• One weekend four married guys went golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place.

    First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

    Second Guy: "That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

    Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

    They continued to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?"

    Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Golf course or Intercourse?" She said, "Don’t forget your sweater.’
    ----
    Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.

    After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

    The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.

    The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."

    She says, "Smell the rim."
    ---


    Council tax re-evaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.

    That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

    We have a huge council house in our street....
    The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.
    Her car isn’t taxed or insured, and doesn’t even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
    Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments.
    A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son’s girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.
    All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
    Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.
    The family’s odd antics are always in the papers.
    They are out of control. ..........
    ---
    An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on a cold blustery day.
    The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold.
    The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
    So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
    The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said "My hands are freezing cold."
    The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
    So he did and warmed his hands.
    The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
    He said, "My nose is cold."
    The girl replied. "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
    The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said,
    "My p***k is frozen solid."
    The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a p***k?"
    Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies,
    "Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?"
    ---
    1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club and two balls.

    2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

    3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

    4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

    5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

    6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

    7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

    8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have play on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.

    9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

    10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

    11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

    12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.

    13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.

    14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

    15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.