• The words flew from my mouth so fast that my brain didn’t register what was said until it was too late.
    What have I done? I thought solemnly as my ears lost their purpose and his mouth added the word ‘too’ to his response. I saw his lips move, and I knew from reading them what he said, but all I heard was the thumping of my heart, and the self-chastising my mind was yelling at me.

    His eyes met mine as I stared up from his lap, and his hands ran through my hair while we laid on my blue bedspread. I had broken the fourth wall…Completely set off an A-Bomb and disintegrated it.
    Blue…like the clear water from overseas I thought. His eyes were beautiful, peering out from behind silky smooth black hair. I wasn’t quite sure what to think at that moment. My heart had ripped control from my brain, and forced me to speak for it. For once in a long while since I had given up the ganja, my brain was silent and empty.

    “Brian?” the dulcet tone of his voice broke through the deafness. “are you okay, baby?”
    I just nodded yes, fearful of what might be said if I opened my trap again.
    “You don’t regret what you just said, do you?”
    Must we talk about it this very moment? I wanted to say, but I just shook my head no.
    He leaned forward, and gently met our lips together. I always seemed unable to resist him, his kiss was a drug I would gladly OD on. I closed my eyes and let him take control, lifting my hands and putting one on his cheek, the other in his hair, and just drifted in the euphoric embrace, like a morphine drip after surgery, it was bliss. It eased away my pain and made me think everything was right in the world, that I could be a better man, a better person. That I wasn’t just some discarded trash like my previous relationship made me feel.

    I fell back onto his legs, breaking the kiss and just watched my ceiling fan churn the air while he continued to play with my hair and went back to his book.
    It was only three months into the relationship, and I had such strong feelings for him. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was terrified of my emotions, they scared me shitless, to the point I wish I never decided to stop keeping them hidden. But I swore to myself I would never lock them away again, I didn’t want to be seen as emotionless again. So not only was I vulnerable from that, but I just expressed myself to him and meant what was said, so I was even more unprotected.

    Silence enveloped us. The kind that is comfortable, with contact and affection still being displayed. The kind of silence you see in romance movies and cheesy films. I brought myself up with my elbows and pushed myself a little further up so I was sitting upright. Bringing my hands gently to his face, I kissed him deeply and looked at him, those blue eyes staring back into my green.

    “I Love you, Dylan” I repeated.