can u feel the pain now?

• Artist: Techno Q-tip
• Description: depressing separation life human nature
• Date: 07/22/2008
• Tags: sadhurtpainful

she falls to the floor she cant take it anymore the lies the pain the defeat she cant take it much longer shes not getting any stronger she becomes a mother they said they loved eachother they become strangers to one another....she has a child thats the only thing that keeps them together they always tell the child they will love her forever the child grows older her parents leave eachother she cries herself to sleep she laughs at her pain she laughs while she hurts herself she becomes a loner no longer bolder than she used to be sad and hurt useless and plain she cuts her veins she cant take the pain much longer she quits and says she threw she dies she leaves her heart to her parents the cause for all this pain and misery she fades away shes gone.....

Comments

[Yan Qi]

I'm very sorry if I seemed too harsh.
3/5 for effort.

[Yan Qi]

To be quite honest I don't much care for it. sad

It certainly has great potential, however I have trouble getting past the complete lack of punctuation and capitalization.

Also the storyline is far too compressed and feels like you're merely giving a summary of a movie you saw.

As far as tradgedies go, this one isn't great. You give the reader no reason to feel pain for this character we know so little about. In fact, I just thought of her as another dumb kid who commited suicide.

[The_One_ReBorn]

nice i like it

[coolwhipgirl83]

thats really good.

[Techno Q-tip]

please leave comments so i know what u people think ^-^