While Death Awaits

• Artist: AlmostAshleigh
• Description: i dunno what catagory to put this in, so i just put it in this catagory.
• Date: 12/19/2009
• Tags: death awaits

She hits me once,
Hits me twice,
I fall to the ground,
Though not for long,
She grabs me and holds me up to the wall,
I can't breathe,
She's choking me,
I faint,
Though I wake up and she's still kicking me,
I cry out in pain,
she leaves me there bleeding...

Comments

[2pound]

categorized as "Journal Entry # who cares" because it didn't happen; now, if you were to say that death is metaphorically beating you up, you need a better way of doing it. but the title says "Death Awaits" and well, it's always on standby, proving nothing, saying nothing. if you want emotion, be subtle. 2/10

[SnackBall]

I like it...Good job :]

[X-HayKay-X]

I don't care what others are saying. I like how blunt it is. Bravo

[princess1luv]

theres no emotion, just action
no descriptions, no artistry, no thought...it's just words.
if you were gonna go this blunt you should have at least made it rhyme or something. it's not a poem and it's not a story, i don't know how to categorize this either.
Just flesh it out and revise =)

[Shibu Mizaku]

Eh.... I'm not sure you know how to write well. It's pretty blunt and not really descriptive. Try and flesh it out more next time.

[out of controll]

sorry but this is not poetry. its not even very artistic at all. you have a decent subject but you need to work on your delivery.

[BentiaSHalke]

its a little twisted but i guess it makes sense i mean she beats him down its like showing that not only guys can hurt chicks and beat them, but girls can do teh same thing. it also is like showing how much heartbreak a chick can cause