Loneliness...

• Artist: Lyfjaberg
• Description: This is a little 'poem' I wrote while in one of my moods.Guess it can't really be a poem since it doesn't exactly rhyme..but the words flowed for me. This is basically what I describe loneliness as feeling like for me.Sometimes it feels like an actual person who is often there.
• Date: 08/13/2011
• Tags: loneliness

..Loneliness is a genuine friend
always there when you aren't
its arms embracing me ever tightly
Even amongst the crowds,I'm lonely...
even when with friends..
loneliness holds me hand,and walks beside me
loneliness is my home..
it surrounds me within its four walls
,and blocks out the noise
even when sound is pounding like a drum...
it blocks out your voice
and turns words into lies..
makes me sad
despaired
so tired..
loneliness is my demon
the one who drags me down to the depths of my own sorrow..
its there often..
even if you can't see it
it's always
there...

Comments

[in a pinto forever]

Your writing is erratic. Parts are very strong, esp. in description, but sometimes you sort of forget about "show don't tell" and fall into the poem-killer. Ex.: "Makes me sad, despaired."
Def. work on being more consistent. Grammar and spelling need some work, but that's just me nitpicking.
One more thing. Experiment with syntax/diction. That'll improve a bit of your rampant repetition, and just generally help you to express yourself better.
All in all, it's an above-average work. Props.

[launchpadmcquack13136]

very descriptive. i might know alot more about the topic than it looks. but good job. 5/5
please rate mine.
http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/poetry-and-lyrics/vote/?entry_id=102591237#title