I don't know.
Today, I went to get my hair cut... [now I kinda look like Rukia. Well.. Kinda]
As we drove past Narwee, I couldn't help but wonder if Bella has forgiven me yet... and I thought of him. I thought of Eugene. And a sudden pang of hurt came to my heart. And I realised... I miss him.
I suppose he's the guy I cared about. I think I 'loved' him. But ever since he broke my heart... we'll, supposedly he didn't. Bleh.
Basically, this is what happened.
Year 5-
I met him, he met me.
Bella and I were like, friends and I thought Eugene was pretty cute.
I told Bella that and she was like 'ewwwww...' so I was like 'Come on, admit it, he IS cute...' I remember this clearly.
He started running in front of me in a superman pose while I stood next to my pole and made me laugh and smile when I was sad and cried.
Year6-
We were still in the same class.
Phyllis and I were writing notes about 'love song dedications' and spreading rumours [heh] and Eugene came along and was peering at it from behind.
He was like 'What does it say?' and I quickly tore it apart into small pieces and he took the pieces away and tried to piece it back together. It was so cute at the time.
He couldn't cuz the pieces were too small and writing were on both sides.
From then on, Eugene and I started giving eachother notes.
Putting notes in eachother's totetrays, passing them 'inconspicuously' in class by walking and bumping into eachother and grabbing the note from the other's hands.
It was the... happiest and fun-est thing thing I think I've done.
I wrote about it in my diary. Now that I read back at it, It makes me cry.
All those happy moments together...
One day, he wrote a note saying 'Okay, you win. I've got to tell you ok? But please don't tell anyone please, I beg you. I admit I like you but there's nothing wrong with that is there? And please don't tell Bella or Phyllis or anyone because they'll tease me. But they wouldn't dare because I'll bash them up."
I was so happy then I nearly cried. I think I fell in love with him...
But one day, during HSIE, we were colouring the Egyptian title page and I kept glancing at Eugene. He was colouring in orange, then soon after, he gave me a note that said 'I HATE YOU!' on it.
God. Do you know how PAINFUL that felt? Only 3 words. Instantly broke my heart. It was nearly home time and a painful lump stuck at my throat. I tried so hard not to break down and cry. I was so speechless... he turned back to look at me as if expecting an answer and I just blurted out 'YAY!' God, to THIS day. I have not the slightest idea why I said that.
After school, I usually stayed to wait for him, but that day, I rushed off. He ran to catch up to me and asked why did I say 'Yay' but I didn't answer and ran off. When I entered my car, I smiled at my mum and pretended everything was fine. As soon as I got back home, I went to take a shower and cried and cried and cried...
I'm never going to forget that...
I left for high school... he avoided saying bye to me. I told myself to forget him and leave him behind...
Recent Times-
So, leaving for high school, I mostly forgot about him.
Talking to Bella on the phone, she told me she fell in love with him. The same Bella that said 'ewww'... I of course didn't really care at that time...
Talking on msn, we talked about the past and he told me he still loved me. He told me things he couldn't tell me in the past. He told me that I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He told me he wanted to hug and kiss me many times, and at least once before I left for highschool. I wanted to believe that. But I couldn't. Not after he broke my heart.
So I lashed at him demanding why he broke my heart, sending me that 'I HATE YOU!' note. He was 'shocked' and swore he didn't. I was like 'YES YOU DID! YOU GAVE ME THAT NOTE PERSONALLY! I WILL NEVER FORGET THE DAY YOU BROKE MY HEART AND MADE ME CRY NON STOP!'
But he still insisted he didn't and he wouldn't. Because he loved me. Because he couldn't stand to see me cry. He wouldn't break my heart. I wanted to believe that. But could I? I know him and his personality quite well... he wouldn't do it. He wouldn't have hurt me. I could feel it. But reality still tugged at me. He DID give me that note... Deep down, there was still this hurt part of my heart that never healed and I still loved him.
So I forgave him and fell back in 'love' with him. Honestly, I still had my doubts. Doubts whether he truly 'loves' me. Doubts whether I 'loved' him. Did I love him? Sure I do. Am I sure? No.
On msn, we were giving eachother hugs and kisses, 'I love you' and 'I miss you' but was this love? It was nearly his birthday. Bella got herself and Joseph a necklace that fitted together to make a heart. I got myself one and often stared at the other one, thinking of Eugene. I asked him if he would wear something so pink and somewhat girly but he didn't mind and that he'd be honoured.
Soon, he told me. Bella still loves him. I still love him. He loves me... but he also had a crush on Bella. That was the start of our little triangle. I pretended not to mind. I pretended not to care. But I felt like I've been cheated on. And at times, I felt like I was cheating on my friend. Gawd, it felt HORRIBLE.
Bella and I talked about it for some time. She suggested we shared. And when we're grown up, he can marry one of us and we can have two kids each. Do you know how stupid that sounded? >>;
Anyways. We decided to go to watch Harry Potter for his birthday. I invited Carmen cuz she was special to me. And it would be awkward if there were only the three of us. I gave him the necklace, anyway. Along with a teddy bear and a 'I heart you' box. I decided to give Bella the other half of the necklace. But she insisted giving it back to me.
I don't know. Bella and Eugene were just... a really good couple. Jealous? Kinda. I tried to get them together. And it worked. Bella even gave Eugene a kiss. My heart was saddened, but I figured it was best for them...
Now-
Now? I don't know. It seems like I've forgotten but now the memories are back... it's painful... But... why does it hurt so much? Is it because I love him?
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-Tis Sparrow-
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