What's wrong with me?
I don't even know anymore...
This past weekend was wonderful.
I got to spend time with friends and my dad was gone so I had breathing room.
But it felt like it almost blew up because of my feelings and how strongly they rule my attitude.
Darius and I stayed at Tim's house on Friday, and it was fun and all, but Darius was flirting with Tim pretty badly, and I even told him to hold back for my sake.
We ended up on the computer all night and watched these funny things on Youtube and I sincerely regret letting Tim show them to Darius because he would NOT stop repeating it over and over AND OVER!
And then on Saturday, after work, I went to pick up Tim to come over and he and Darius had been planning for all of us to go to Darius's house. Now, I'm not one to normally disagree with plans, but, I really didn't want to go. I kinda felt like Tim wanted to hang out with Darius more than me and I was just the ride there and back.
I felt like I was disposable. Like I was being used in some bizarre hookup plan.
I was acting kinda emo and Tim was trying to ask me what was wrong, and I just denied it as usual...
I lost it.
I left the house and drove home in tears.
I felt alone and used like I did all those years ago in Jr. High.
I didn't want that to happen with Timmy...
I didn't want him to tire of me and throw me away like Sam and Declan had done.
I ended up calling Tim later and told him a little bit of the situation, although, I didn't say much.
I'm just glad to hear that he actually cared that I left and he wanted to make sure I was ok...
But I couldn't tell him I felt disposable...
Ever since Darius showed up this year, it's like I have to fight for his attention.
I feel like there is a possibility of what happened way back when could happen again.
I don't want it to...
I admit I have an Adrian Andrews complex when it comes to Tim...
But I can't help it! He's just something that if I lost, I'd never recover.
I wish I had someone to help me. I can't tell him this because I don't know how he'd take it.
Looking at it now, it's kinda stupid to put this in a public journal, huh?
:/
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The looking glass to the Wonderland that is my mind.
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Community Member
Look, I understand why you'd feel that way,
And I can't say I'm sorry enough to apologize for it.
You are FAR from being disposable.
I feel terrible for having you feel like you were just "the ride there and back",
Because trust me, you're not.
I love you, Garrett-wa,
Ain't nothing gonna change that. :]
And please;
As if I could use anyone,
Let alone YOU. Gawsh. xD
But, in all srsness,
I'm sorry, Garrett-wa.
And how about we hang out this weekend,
Without Darius,
To make up for it. :]
We'll stay up late and play DDR and you can show me all those nifty games I never bothered to buy. xD
Hope this made you feel better. <3