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Y'know... it's not even funny how many times I've wanted to keep in communications with people 'round here and elsewhere and can't due to various reasons which I won't mention here... but what really burns me on the inside is how slowly things go bad for people and all you can do is watch it blow all away...

I donno... maybe I'm just rambling... until better days come around. I just don't care about ******** "better days" anymore. All I care is to fix this shitty mess once and for all. There are people here whom I've hurt. There are people here who probably won't ever read this. There's people here who might think once or twice about leaving a message. There's people here who will prolly leave a message. There's people here who could care less about what I say here... they have worse things to deal with. Besides, I'm just me... a voice within a seemingly infinite chorus of voices in this single speck in the universe. I'm ... just nearing my breaking point. If there's anyone (and I do mean anyone) who has not made me lose it after all this time, is Ally. This is not one of those posts glorifying her like I've done in my LJ before... no. This is just me coping once again with situations that are out of my control. And the anger this causes. The rage.... it's very stupid to think one can become enraged at something so trivial as when things are out of their control. Perhaps It's me finding out just how much of a control freak I am, or perhaps I just can't stand it anymore to see people being ******** over by those whom they trust and me not being able to even have a say in the situation. If it's the former, I'd rather sstop loving and caring for anyone before I actually hurt someone beyond repair. I've done it one too many times before in the past... and I don't want to imagine what would happen if I failed.... Not anymore...

Maybe this fear of failing once again shall be my downfall... but I swear I'll do my damnedest to make sure I pour every last ounce of self control I've achieved since I've had the use of reasoning.

So many names... so many broken hearts... so many failiures... and yet I am still here... wondering if all of this... was it worth it...?

* * * Memai :: I still am unsure when your gift might arrive... but I recieved word from jenna she recieved hers and I sent it at the same time along with yours. I'm just hoping your gift can reach you as soon as possible, since The way things are where you are are not looking all too well... .__.

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