Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

As the dawn became the sun and the night became light I felt the pain that has been scorched over my hell bound soul and I felt the love of all those who I see in my nightmares. As the dancing of the moon and the sun comenced the world kept turning and I watched as night became day. In a broken stae of consiousness I wasid to myself in an demonic voice " notice how the sun rises from the east where our heart burned for her, and look to the Northen East and see the blackish hell that was is your broken hearted love. Notice anything that would show you the way to the life you want. No, I thought not cause you are pathetic and alone, you are gradually and increasingly getting worse and wosre by the passing of the sun and the moon, as the day goes night you are truly at piece with the hell you create, but in the day you are torn between the watchful Demon and the Caring Angel. I pitty those who have falsly loved you, your nothing more than a shadow of your true self. You should feel me, know me, want me. I am your ambition, your lust, your pain, and sorrow the reason you have the thought of a self-righteous suicide, im your happiness, im your only friend. Honor me and bow to me im your last chance at happiness. Feed me.

" As unpleasantly weird and crazy that sounds its completley true, I was swayed by the very words my own mind fathumed in my past. I was being tempted by my hate, the one emotion I had burried and burned in the back door to hell in my mind. I feel the presence of hate giving me oxygen to breathe, showing me the way to go when im lost, feeling the hatred I have for so many and showing me the path I should be taking to do what pleases me. Im dead and my hate is all that makes me feel alive. I cant breathe without it. But its the fact that I havent slept or eaten, talked thought about her or any of the hers in my life that I feel is driveing me to self-pitty. All of this anger that I hold back, I build up, pent-up stored away, burried and marked with its own headstone. Its ressurected and im fighting as hard as I can to put my demons behind me, I am winning the fight over my body, but my mind. Its slipping further and further into darkness. The emotions that I have for the women in my life is fading like the drop of a hat.

From yestrursday I didnt want to see my own face in the mirror, to this night and day I still wish only to die in the arms of my own demons. All I can breathe is the hell I have cooked up for myself. I dont want to takk about it, or think about it, see it, hear it, know it, think it, wonder about it, sense it. s**t I dont even wanna imagine it. Cause I dont think that you understand, atleast I pray that you do cause im totally clueless on what the ******** im suppose to do anymore. I cant seem to sleep, think straight, processing things. Im not getting dumber im losing reasoning and instinct. When everything in my life either breaks, dies, crys, see's me its my fault that whatever they or it is going through its myfault. Im not so good as I thought i would and was. The redirection that I feel I must go is the path of a self-righteous suicide. I feel this is the only way i can utilize the true potential im capable of. In every aspect of my life I have been left alone and need others to get over of into an relationship. I think ill just do what i almost was ******** over for, and have me a kid. Im kidding, im unfortunetly talking straight from the hell in my heart. Its an unnatural feeling to hate someone for breaking your heart and leaving you alone, and pesturing you just to get thier kicks. I feel we must all utilize that philosophical state of mind, that we are alone in the universe. Just to see it in the way of a smaller canvus and see that we all are alone no matter what. So many peoplel have said that life is measured in the amount of names you are remembered for, or the loved ones you left behind or the ones who you love and got love from them, some say there is no meaning to life what so ever.

I say we are alone no matter what, so Love no matter what. Give love, live and life a chance, even if that means to give hate death and pain a try. Its not enough to say what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, its how much strength you have from those trial of life you have survived from. If you are willing to try it and able to do so with a healthy mind body and phychological structure end someones life, and notice the pain that they go through, and then watch the pain that persons loved ones go through, and if you smile from this display of pain and suffering, or actually can say with a straight face and a clear consiousness "Im so happy they are dead," then i truly do owell-come you in the land of lost souls. Im am not worth it anymore, I never was, and i put the well-being of others before my own well-being in your own opinion do you think im intitled to whatever I can get with the price of the duty of greatness. Im so happy I can sit here and go crazy second by second, it makes me that much closer to Jessica. And my Halloween Kitty. What if is the question that I ask myself also. But for some reason I come up with the same results " So ******** what, What if."Im truly tired of letting all of you lying, blackhearted, phycho, loving beautiful lovely sexi independent godly, perfect women in the world just earn my heart so you can break it and leave it in pieces. Now im just going to give it to you as a token of my esteamed thanks for making me going insane.

But im not completley their yet, Im might need to do sometihing horrible to make you not only listen but love me and need all at te same time. Im not sure what that will be but I promise just like all the other promises I keep but you dont, I wont leave you alone, I will be with you every step of the way and willl end the lives of all of those who appose me. I am alive. I love you to much, and i love you and especially my favorite Kitty Kat, but he can go to stupid mixed retard hell, cause there is no reason no excuse for being 18 ******** years old and act like a ******** child. I mean really how the ******** are you attraceted to stupidity. But sorry private message anyways. Love you My Beautiful Angel, and R.I.P my flawless Rose.