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Im sorry
Current mood:Bloody hell
Category: Life

I care. Thats all I can say is that I care. But its to the extent to how much i care. I love you in such a way that I hurts and you know this, and the reason for my action is reflected upon this. Im not tyring to avoid you its just that in my mind you dont need me, and I am to bent on you so I feel for you so much that its not healthy. I mean Im losing sleep over you. And im so very afraid of things that wouldnt have ever in years cause me alarm. I really dont think that you understand how it is that I care about you, and its the feelings that I get while noticing you in school or in a thought, or in a way off drifted memory. I pain myslef with the thought that somewhere in the future I can be with you. But this is nothing more that a meer interpersonal understanding. Meaning its one sided. I really dont think that in my constant time of trying or atleast convincing myself that i have been trying; to have you back is ever really going to happen. I have been the voice and consicious of so many others and they hang on my every word. I have given advice to the broken hearted and the love sick, the depressed and the suicidal.

I can help others with the ability to find the words to speak to another as if they have known them for all of eternity, but when it comes you and me finding those same beautiful words and sentences, or one liners to say to you im left with a blank. And I would give up all that I would have to say those words to you everyday. But after finding out what it is that I truly feel which is nothing more than a sick obsession of another, I realize that I have been following nothing but a dream. Understand that I havent slept in 6 weeks. Do you understand what that does on the mind, its an agonising pain and process that basically destroys that mind and how it relays information from one point to another. And all of this over just one person. Its not only damaging, but unnatural for me. Im so far in the mud of your world or feelings or the obsession that is surrounding you that i have lost my way. I was bent on being the greatest boyfriend that was ever birthed, even with the knowledge that this will never happen in a hundred of my life times.

That paragraph holds nothing but jumbled together feelings and masked emotions. I truly see it as this, I have fallen. Not just in love with you but with eveything about you, I have gone so far out of my way for you and I have recieved nothing in return and it angers me. But in the same way doesnt anger me because since im so in love with you it doesnt allow me to be mad at you. Now I have come to the understanding that I will never be with you, but this understanding wasnt figured until I looked in the mirror and was disgusted with what i saw. I saw a 17-18 year old ******** idiot. Why because I had fallen so hard for just one person that I was willing to give up my life for them and for no apparent reason.

Seeing that the same feeling of love would never be returned to me i was infatuated with you. I imagined me and together countless times, all the while fighting back tears infront of you. Because with the pure sight of you crushes my heart. I have a good way of hiding it that I am amazed I havent ran off and started crying after trying to say one word to you. Im sorry because I think what it is that I am doing is bothering you. I feel as if I am inturuding on your life. I have no reason to tell you that I love you, without knowing one thing about you. It was wrong of me to do something without anothers permission. because no matter how expensive it may get or how ******** up my mind may be, or become I was willing to hurt others in your name. I was and still am fighting to honor your name among the hated and beaten. I have endured constant discrimination overdefending you. Im close to fighting for you in the way of proving a point that no one should ever mess with you, and should think nothing but beautiful thoughts of you. I feel as if what im saying is going to anger you in such a way. But Im just revealing what it is that my heart has held in so long. I love you no matter what, and I have no place to love you. You do not need my love. But its you that I need truly. Not in the way of being in a realtionship, but as a friend but I dont see us being friends without some complication happening. I do want yo be your friend and more, but when im told that I am a drug addicted pill poping alcoholic, it tears me up so bad. but not only heraing that but that is the only reason in your eyes that keeps me from you kill all the understanding in my mind of anything. i an angel fell in love with another angel so to speak.

I a fallen angel felt it my responsibility to take care of the other angel because that is my ability. I am the angel of love who does nothing less than love no matter what, which in enclines me to be hurt multiple times. Its the good guys such as myself who are hrut and beaten by love and all of its beautiful unfair stress. I have done for you that I have done for no one else, and it pains me to kno that what I have done is in vain. because its those bad guys, the cheaters, mean boyfirneds, beaters, curseing, ahteful, evil men who take advantege of the angels in this world and treat them like s**t until they break them so that they know that without that horrible evil man or women life either holds no meaning or reason. And we the angels on the beaten path lose ourselves and forget the power in our bodys to change the minds and the economy to a better society. but those same bad guys walk around as if they walk on water, as I the good guy walk as if im in the valley of shadows and death. I was made to be broken. For real no lie, I was bor n in my eyes to be beaten and burned adn hated, but loved, more of love than hated, but with my missery came the haoppiness of others.

But it doesnt work the other way around, So if im misserable, and I cant smile. You have the ability to do all you can to live your life so beautifully. I see no reason in living, so all I do is exsist. I do nothing but exsist, I dont want a thing, all I need is whatever, but I love which in itself wants. And in my love I want you, I want your happiness, I want your protection, I want your safety, I want your love in return, but not wil never recieve it.

The basis of this is that I love you no matter what, and that in muy heart im afraid. Im afraid to love you. Because with love comes pain. But I dont know who it is that will recieve that pain, and I pray that it is I who takes every blow for you. I want to be your friend I want to be your lover I want to be your everything, but I want to be nothing to you. Because love isnt a feeling, its an ability and I was blessed with this talent to love no matter what. I dont want others to notice me, because of how I protrey my life. because in my opinion, the world isnt reasy for my personal brand of love. And i cant keep myself from you anymore. I am in your corner no matter what. If you cry for help I will run to you with out a single thought, if I ever see you cry, my first question is whos a** do I have to beat. Cause I have found myself very protectiive of you. I love you, and want you. And im sorry for that.