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I had another one of those moments where I thought I was going to die this morning. I was in bed resting, and all of a sudden my heart started doing this very bad palpitation thing and I started feeling floaty. I can hardly explain it. It felt like you do when you're in water floating, with the cool water all around you, weightless, you know? Then I got the most amazing calm feeling. It was as if nothing in the world mattered anymore. I thought of various things and my brain was just gently, "its alright. Its alright. We can go. You are ready to go" with a gentle, kind smile kind of feeling. So I whispered my last word (Melissa) and kind of closed my eyes. Then way back in my brain I thought, "I need to see her." And the calm feeling passed and I wiggled my toes and sat up and did breathing exersizes and then walked around determinedly and my heart ******** STOPPED DOING THAT. Grand miracle.

I've only thought I was going to die about three times in my life. I mean when I get that frighteningly calm feeling in my brain, when its a time when my body is doing something that I know I can't control. I have a feeling that one of these days a time like what happened this morning will lead to my death.

I am a very physically ill lady. No one really knows how sick. Not even my doctor because she's only started treating me last September. I am very scared to show anyone. I showed my last girlfriend and she fell out of love with me very quickly. Gosh, I'm thinking about showing people and its giving me panic attacks...breathe, girl, breathe...