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I haven't written a journal entry in a long time. But for some reason I felt compelled to write one today. Maybe it's all the stress around me that seems to just pull me into this black hole. Yes, that's my best description. Just nothingness, this void of space. And I hate every minute of it. I just want to crawl into bed, slip beneath those sheets and go into the fetal position. And after all of that work, I just want to cry.
Usually these emotions are caused because of an event. Well yes I did have an event happen. We all have these stupid things that happen, well I did the most stupid thing of all. I hurt people I love. Yes it's something that happens from time to time. But what sucks is I can't remember what I did, under the haze of intoxication I can't seem to remember the words that were spoke, written or conveyed. Those words hurt people, those words were amplified and then spit back at me or shown to me. And for some reason that made it all worse, all terrible.
So I used to have this habit. Whenever I was stressed, sad or angry I'd clench my fists. But this habit usually happens at night. I'll go to bed feeling anxious or sad and then the next morning BAM! Bruised moons on my palms. Whenever I see those I feel weird though, I know why it happened, how it happened. But it still unnerved me that it actually happened. Like I went to bed and then some mysteries thing happened at night. Like terrible magic. Or bad karma.
So now I'm just curled up in this old leather chair wondering where I go from here. What do I do. There are only so many times you can apologize before people get angry or tired of it. And nothing said fixes the problem. It's like a stain that cannot be removed. And for the past several days I've just felt like this big stain on life.
And yes after this, I still feel like a bottle rolling in the sea.
 RadicalRosebud · Mon Jan 16, 2012 @ 08:40pm · 0 Comments |
