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Audacity
The willingness to take a bold risk
Rude or disrespectful behavior

Audacity, Impenitence, insolence, presumption, cheek, effrontery, nerve, gall, defiance, temerity, chutzpah and sass

It was a single touch. A loving touch. A caring touch.
A touch that caused me to think “How dare she have the Audacity to touch me”
I don’t want to be touched today. I don’t want someone’s hand slipping through my hair. I don’t want someone hugging me, I don’t even want someone to be near me. I just want space, endless space. Sitting here in my room alone isn’t even enough space for me. I want more.

Selfish
Lacking consideration for others

Selfish, egocentric, egotistic, egotistical, egomaniacal, self centered, self absorbed, self obsessed, self seeking, self serving, thoughtless, uncaring
Me

I know. Pity party in aisle sixteen! I feel as if that’s all I’ve been for the last four days. A massive load of s**t. It’s disgusting when a girl doesn’t take a shower for a few days. Even grosser when she can’t even put makeup on. I mean the least I could do for society is make sure I’m actually presentable. I can’t even manage that. I’m a selfish woman. I hurt a good friend yet I want them back. How selfish is that? They said they needed time to heal and all I want is them to come back so they can make me happy.
Self seeking aren’t I?
I just feel want right now. I want my brother home, I want him out of that hospital. It smells to clean, looks to clean and reminds me of bad things that I just want to forget.
I hate that. Not being able to forget memories. Theres only so much you can do to repress them.
I feel like that’s another selfish request. Some people can’t even remember their names or who they are. Yet I want to repress memories, I want chunks of my life to just disappear.
Funny thing is, I am forgetting. But I’m not forgetting memories or myself.
Today I almost had a panic attack because I couldn’t find my car keys. I almost started crying because I couldn’t remember where my iPod was. I just about broke down when I couldn’t remember if I put my car in the garage or not. I can’t remember things anymore.
Sometimes I forget how I got home. I remember getting in my car, possibly driving down the highway. But then I’m home looking at the icy pond.
And all I can think of is “How did I get here?” I just want to remember the simple things. Like if I washed my hair or not, where did I put my eyeliner. I know where they should be, but then I can’t remember where I last placed them. I should remember though, I use those things every day. I forget to clean constantly. My room looks like my closet just puked. I have empty hair spray bottles just everywhere. Books and more books just stacked in piles. It’s a hazard to someone’s health. Yet some how I manage to navigate these dangerous waters on my way to the bathroom at night. Go figure.

I’m going through the stages of anger, selfishness and forgetfulness.
And tomorrow I’m pretty damn sure I’m going to want to stuff clay in my mouth and choke on it. Of not wear a mask while working with the dust and chemicals.
Or smoke a cigarette. Gawd I miss smoking so much sometimes. But I can’t. I promised someone I wouldn’t. Sometimes I loath promises, I hate them, I wish I could stab them.
Wouldn’t that be selfish?