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I am currently sitting in those little 'cozy' family rooms that hospitals have. I've probably been sitting here since three in the morning since I couldn't go back to sleep. A girl was wailing down the hall way all night, it sounded like a terrible horror movie, like someone was being tortured. The nurse had said she was mentally disabled so it was hard to asses the pain she has. I felt terrible for the girl, but the crying and screaming. It was driving me crazy.
I hate these waiting rooms. They pretend to give you this warm happy fuzzy feeling. Happy pictures and prints hanging on the wall, neutral colors, comfortable looking furniture and free coffee. It's as if they're saying "It's going to be fine, nothing will go wrong." But you never really know that do you? You're never really sure of what's going to happen. So sitting here, I can't help but feel sick in a place that's suppose to help people get better, or at least help them die comfortably. Looking out the window, all I want to do is scream in this silence. But I can't, society would frown on it and I'd probably get slapped with some sort of panic attack.
And the worst thing is, I can't talk to anyone about this. Yes I'm posting a damn journal entry but this is going out into the nether world. People will read it ya but it's just something their eyes will scan over for a brief moment, they'll shrug and move on to the next whatever they're doing. And I'm completely fine with that. This is just me trying to defuse whatever anxious feelings I have.
My older brother has never had a break in life. He was born first. From what I've been told he cried all the time, nothing brought him comfort as a child. My mother was at her wits end, the doctors thought he was mentally challenged. And then my twin and I were brought into the world a few years later. My grandmother claimed that he was then pushed aside. My brother is unique socially. Sometimes he spills whatever is on his mind without realizing what he's saying. He can't read social cues very well and he's awkward with new people. He was teased from elementary school all the way to high school. And then he gets slapped with this gawd awful disease that has him in pain if he even eats a little bit of the wrong food.
And now that disease has him in the hospital for two weeks. It's not life threatening, it's not going to kill him now. But eventually, my brother will die. And being here, sitting here with him, I'm just lost. I feel as if I can't confide in my friends. I've never been really good at telling them issues in my life. I'm afraid I'll sound like I'm complaining or whining about life. They don't want to hear my problems and even if they do what can they do about my issues? They'll only look at me with pity and say "It'll be okay". Don't promise me that, don't tell me it'll be okay when you yourself don't even know.
He'll have surgery in a couple of days. They wont know if it's serious or not until they open him up. They wont know if it'll be major or minor. And that also scares me, the unknown scares us all. All I can do is visit the hospital and offer what little company I can. We don't talk really, we just sit. He watches TV, I read a book. That's it. Sometimes I wonder if that's enough, is just being in the same room as another human enough? Is this comforting to him?
My brother and I don't have the best relationship. We find each other frustrating. I'm open minded where as he's closed. I have love for everyone where as he hates what is different. We're complete opposites yet share common hobbies. Sometimes it's utterly frustrating.
He's so tired, always having to wake up every three to four hours to get meds or blood drawn or more shots. At least the night nurse was really kind to him. My brother can be difficult when he's tired. But I felt horrid for him, I stayed up the whole night, sleeping just a little here and there. I'm so nervous, every time he hurts I hurt for him. I wish I could be in his position.
 RadicalRosebud · Sun Jan 22, 2012 @ 03:45pm · 1 Comments |
