Three worlds, one heart part 1

• Artist: Kira_justice57
• Description: This is something that I came up with, about vampires, mortals, and magicians.
  
  Please comment and I may continue this, give me your opinion.
  
  Thank You!!!
• Date: 09/29/2008
• Tags: three worlds heart

Chapter One

My name is Tsuki, and I'm here to tell you a story about how a human, a magician, and a vampire became intertwined in a never-ending destiny.
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The Sakura (Cherry blossoms) tree flowers fell towards the ground as I ran out of the gigantic gate of Tokyo Gakuen High School. In one hand, I held my diploma certifying that I successfully graduated, and in the other, I held the hand of my beloved best friend, Shiro. At that moment I never noticed anything about him that was different, until I was pulled by a great force.
"Ophh!!" I huffed in pain as I couldn't get the urge to stand up again.
"Stay away from that 'THING' girl. . ." the male that push me said.
He had cold eyes that looked like they could pierce me into rock hard stone. His hair hid behind his hat that looked ridiculous because it was gold and black with one side longer than the other. He was very fair skinned and wore a black robe that had Kanji characters on it that said "Wind, Fire, Earth, Water, Moon, Sun", but the weirdest thing about him was that he carried a staff that formed a crescent moon at the top.
"What do you mean by THING? That person there is my friend!!" I yelled at him with all the energy I had left.
"I can't believe you, he isn't even human and you can't tell?! Man, mortals are hopeless.." He said as those words pierced my dignity.
"Hey, leave her alone!!" Shiro said as he ran towards my aid.
"Wanna duke it out then?!" The strange boy said as he took out a bunch of talismans.
As he said that, it was the first time I saw Shiro snap.
"LIKE HELL I WILL!!" Shiro yelled.
With that said, he punched the strange being in the face.
"Too slow..."
The male vanished before the punch even finished the blow. In the place that he was standing was a calling card.

It read:
I am coming after the fair maiden at ten sharp tonight, and from there, we shall finish our battle...
Till then, Farewell...
- Ryuunosuke Shirayuki

Comments

[Hieilover69]

...I don't get it. First we're talking about flowers, and how it's spring, because that's totally relevant, and then all of a sudden one guy is screaming at the other cause he's racist. And I thought vampires were supposed to be elegant? I'm so lost @_@
You need more descriptive-ness, and more character development. It's pretty good thoughxD

[Kira_justice57]

Oh my gawd!!! you people!! Please read in between the lines!! Sakura is a flower in Japan, thus showing that it is spring (Graduation time) in Japan!!! Gosh do your homework!!!

[HotStuff13]

Post #2

Furthermore, this whole story seemed disorganized. First, you started off with a female, Sakura, and never came back to her. Not to be harsh, what was the point of that? In my opinion, she shouldn't have even been mentioned at all. Second, the fight began way too abruptly. Again, not to be rude, but it seems as though you wrote this story up in five minutes and posted it as soon as you were done.

[HotStuff13]

Post #1

You seriously need to add a lot more detail to your story. 'Hats you see in movies' and 'strange patterns' hardly suffice; it's just too general. And it's not just the details of certain things you need to be more specific with, but also details of a person's expressions and even the fight scene.

[zeldabcc]

The ending is really good, but the begining is a little fuzzy. You start off with Sakura falling, then you never seem to come back to her. And the one sentence '...looked like those hats you see in movies.' is very vague. You see many hats in movies. Overall it's good, you get a good desciption of the robed man, but the fight seems sudden and and out of the blue, the characters don't seem to have a real motive. Once again, I really like the ending.