• Adam’s Song

    The room was cold. I sat on my couch looking at her picture. She’s so beautiful… I sighed and rested her photo face down onto the table. I picked up the cord, tied it tightly around my bicep, tapped on my wrist to see the vein, and picked up the needle. I clenched my teeth as I moved the syringe closer and closer to the vein, and I stopped. I can’t do this, I thought to myself. I can’t let her down. I threw the needle across the room and collapsed onto the couch. I felt the sting of tears and sweat roll down my cheek…
    I wiped the tears away and grabbed my notepad. I scribbled a couple of notes and words, and propped it up on my table. I grabbed my guitar and squinted to read what I just wrote.
    “It’s not finished,” I said to the ceiling. “But I’ve been working hard, and I think you’ll like what I got…”
    I strummed a couple of notes, and sang what I could read,
    “It was so simple in the moonlight now it's so complicated
    It was so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight
    So simple in the moonlight...”
    As the notes and melodies carried on, I remembered back to when we first met. We both went to Narcotics Anonymous, and she asked if I wanted to go to a party.
    “I know that it is freezing, but I think we have to walk
    I keep waving at the taxis, they keep turning their lights off
    But Julie knows a party at some actor's West side loft
    Supplies are endless in the evening by the morning they'll be gone”
    “Wow,” she said, “It’s colder than I thought. I’m sorry.”
    “It’s alright,” I smiled, “But I think we might have to walk to this party. None of the taxis are stopping. I guess it’s later than I thought.”
    “I just feel bad, there was just this party that I really wanted us to go to. Johnny’s parties are always fun, I used to go there a lot before I started going to N.A.”
    “If that’s the case, I think we should try somewhere else.”
    “You’re right, thanks. If it wasn’t for you, I swear I’d be right back where I started…”
    “When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
    I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations
    with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
    The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like s**t.”
    It was late in the afternoon. The sidewalk was radiating heat from the noontime sun, and I was sitting outside of the café. As a lazily skimmed my newspaper, I noticed the pigeons and squirrels next to me, pawing and pecking at the crumbs scattered about the ground. I sat quietly watching them, enamored at their simplicity. After looking down at the animals, I came back to my senses and headed back home. As I walked down the street I passed by the same stores I always pass by every day. I lightly waved at the store owners who took to knowing me after living here so long. I felt my muscles tense as I forced myself to grin as I walked pass. I looked at the window and noticed myself. I saw the lines underneath my eyes make a roadmap of my ever-growing insomnia. My face became a blank mask, and began to hate myself more and more.
    “You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
    Just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
    Well, it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad
    But what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag”
    As I sat in the restaurant, I began to get impatient. Every few minutes, I lifted my head to scan the room for her and after failing to see her, I’d sink back into my chair, wringing the cloth napkin between my sweating hands. I began to sink, thinking the worst thoughts. What if she doesn’t come? What if she fell back to her old self? What if I fall back to my old self? What if…
    “Hey!”
    I darted up, and there she was. She looked so beautiful. I stared in awe as she wistfully strode past the other tables and lightly moved to mine.
    “H-Hi.” I stuttered, “You’re looking lovely tonight.”
    “Thank you, Adam, you’re so nice.” She said as she slowly sat down across from me. I felt myself starting to sweat as I tried to think of something to say to her when all of a sudden…
    “Hold on, I need to use the ladies’ room.”
    “Oh, no problem Julie...” I said awkwardly.
    As she walked towards the restroom, I silently cursed myself for not thinking of anything to say. I sat patiently, watching and listening to all of the people. The restaurant had been one of the happier places I’ve been in a while. I was captivated by the smiles and laughter; I almost forgot about the times before that moment…I sighed, she seems to be taking a while, I hope she’s alright.