Once upon a time, in the valley of Galooga, there lived a beautiful princess named…. Wait a second? Is that a girl or a guy?…Oh…. It’s a guy…. Okay, we’ll start over.
Once upon a time, in the valley of Galooga, there lived a bea…Handsome… Prince named Lewis. He stayed in his tower with no door, waiting for his true love. On early mornings, he would go out on to the balcony, hair flip his wonderful long, golden hair and open his mouth letting loose with a cheery song. Oh wait, did I say cheery? I mean, interesting song. He can hit very erm… High notes. Anyway, one fine day, he heard a faint galumphing. His Greek-like head turned to the noise, poising in self admiration.
“What?” He said to himself, in a rather high voice. “Is that a prince….” Yet again, I am sorry for intruding. I keep messing this story up. Princess…. Not prince.
“Oh, is it Princess Merroc of Halucishicken? I dear hope so. My heart is just fluttering at the thought of his…erm her…. wonderful eyes.” As you can see, he isn’t very good at remembering genders, either. I don’t even think he remembers his own.
But lo, in the distance came, not Princess Merroc, but Princess Jane.
“Oh, Oh my dear M….OH MY GOD! Lewis promptly fell off the balcony. With a swift move, Jane caught him, gracefully.
“Yes, God is what many describe my features of. I’ve gotten that before,” Jane answered, mesmerized by the thin body in her arms.
“… I-I… I… AHHHHHHHHH!” Lewis let loose a high hideous scream.
“Oh…Oh dear… What is the matter?”
“G… Get away from me…”
“Oh, stop joking around. You seriously aren’t turned on by my sexy body? Cause I am definitely on to you. You make my nerves sizzle like bacon on the stove,” Jane answered, flirtatiously playing with his hair. At that moment, Lady Helia came galloping up on her horse quickly pursued by Lord Pavli.
“Wait! My dear Lady! Come back to thy lovers arms. I am waiting for you! So sad will be the day… OH MY GOD!” His eyes fell on the awestruck Jane staring at Princess… erm prince Lewis. Pavli went up to Lewis and grabbed him away from Jane.
“Hmm… He’s cuter than you, Pavlov,” Helia said, eyeing Lewis up and down.
“Back off, lady,” Jane put in, pushing Helia back. “He’s mine.”
“In your dreams,” Helia hissed back, slapping Jane hard in the face. They began to fight tremendously: bruising, kicking, and punching.
“While this catfight goes on, would you care to join me in my tower for a cup of tea?” Lewis asked Pavli.
“I would, thank you.” Pavli replied. Lewis turned, looked at the tower and turned back with a grim look on his face.
“Oh s**t, there’s no door.” Just then, a great sucking noise came from a tree far off.
“What the-,” Lewis began as a blond haired boy came into sight, holding a piece of bark to his lips.
“You there, smoochin’ the tree? Who goes there?” Pavli asked, holding up a rather short… Would you call it a sword? It wasn’t very sharp and it didn’t have any velocity to kill anyone with, much less even hurt anyone.
“I?” The blond said, looking up but not taking his lips off the rough bark “I am Chris, the sumo wrestler who makes out with inanimate objects. And yes, you may think its weird but frankly I don’t care. And who are…. OH MY GOD!” He looked over at the fight scene and jumped back at the sight of Jane.
“That is what happens when you write a story about girls rescuing guys from towers. Somebody’s gotta turn out gay.”
Just then, another horse came galloping upon the strange scene set in this story. Do not ask me why this is going on. I did not write the story. I am simply narrating it.
On the horse rode two broad men, one with huge blue eyes that could see a mile around and another with neck-length brown hair and a mouth as a big as the tower itself. Well, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Well, a little more than a bit but anyway…
“And who are you?” asked Pavli.
“We are one in communal marriage. We are all. We are…” The brunette began.
“We just need your names, thanks,” Lewis interrupted.
“Its William and Davis,” The big eyed dude said, wrapping his arm around Davis.
‘If you would like to join… OH MY GOD!” Jane, again, made these words emit from somebodys mouth.
“And that, my dear friends, is what prostitutes are for.” Lewis put in as if ending the subject. At that moment, a huge bang filled the clearing as a horrendous smell came to their noses.
“Oh, sorry, that was me.” said a curly haired blonde guy with a big head.
“Gawd man, what have you been eating?” Pavli asked, putting a hand over his nose.
“Don’t ask. Lets just say, it was a rather.. spicy… portion.”
“I see,” put in Lewis. “So what is your name… erm.. sir?”
“I am Kenton of the fairies.”
‘Faires but your not a fairy?”
“I know but… OH MY GOD!” Must I tell you what he saw?
“No, he’s mine!”
“No girls,” Loewis said. “There’s plenty to go around.”
“That’s nice,” whispered Davis, without a bit of sarcasm.
“Erm….” Awkward silence…. Then…
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” A scream filled the forest as a young woman with streaming brown hair ran into the tower and fell flat on her back. Everybody turned to her.
“IT-IT… ATTACKED ME…” She screamed, getting back up and running in circles.
“What attacked you, dear maiden?” Lewis asked, catching her arm.
“THE-THE…. BUNnY RABBIT!” She continued to scream until Pavli went up to her and smacked her on the face.
“It’s a bunny,” he whispered, sarcastically. “They can’t even bite you, there mouths are so small... Idiot girl.” He grumbled this as he turned around. At that moment, something large and very furry jumped onto his back. The girl started screaming again mingling with Pavli’s screams of agony. At that moment, a tall dark skinned young man… erm woman… erm…. I don’t quite know… came running in brandishing his sword.
“BEGONE FOUL BEAST.” And he cut the bunny’s throat.
“Oh, Merroc, you have come for me…” Louie whispered.
“Yes, my darling.”
Helia let out a whimper.
“You killed the bunny.”
“It killed me,” Pavli put in, defending Merroc. "... Well, tried to kill me.” He turned to the once screaming woman and asked, “What is thy name, fair lady?” The woman glared at him but did not answer.
“Please speak thy name,” put in Lewis, not leaving Merroc’s eyes.
“I will, to you. But not to him,” she pointed jerkily toward Pavli who bowed his head in shame. “I am Princess Terra.”
“Who el…. OH MY GOD!” … Explanations are not needed. Let us continue on with our story.
“So,” Jane said. “Anyone else want to turn me on, since Lewis over there seems to be taken?”
“I will,” Kenton said, raising his hand. And they ran off, holding hands…
Awwwww… Okay, cute moment over.
“Wow,” muttered Pavli, utterly amazed at what had just occurred. “He must have been desperate.”
“Hey, wait a second. Where’d the gay guys go?” Helia asked.
“And where’s the… Oh wait, there he is. Wow, deep into that tree, isn’t he?” Terra made a wincing noise and looked away. “So… I don’t think I know all your names.” So they all introduced themselves to their newly acquired member.
“Well, Pavlov, it seems that our game of tag has been delayed too long,” Helia put in. “Ta-ta.” And she left. Pavli looked at his watch.
“I always wait a minute until I run after her. She’s so slow.” He waited a minute in awkward silence, broken only by the smooching of Chris finding another tree to… You don’t want to know. Then he left without another word. So all that was left, ‘neath the canopies and the tree was Chris, Merroc, Terra, and Lewis*.
Chris made a huge galumphing noise and was suddenly sucked into the tree.
“ Oh no! Chris got sucked into the tree! Should we help him?” Terra asked.
“ Nah, lets go have some tea in my tower.” Lewis said.
“All right,” Terra and Merroc said. Lewis turned to the tower then turned back with a grim look on his face.
“Oh s**t, there’s no door.”
*= it rhymed with the real name
- Title: There's No Door
- Artist: Lionessrox4ever
- Description: I wrote this at 2 in the morning, with my friend laughing behind me. We wrote this about people at our school and ourselves... I changed the names... Its even funnier if you knew the people but I think its still funny if you don't.... except for one which couldn't be changed for it wouldn't make sense. Comments wanted to see others input...
- Date: 10/12/2008
- Tags: funnyshortstory