• I remember

    Once a thing is remembered, it is seldom forgotten… “This” I remember as clearly as ever…never to fade away…
    The nineteen of October. It was my birthday. My mother took me to Ngee Ann City to shop but as usual it was my mother that did all the shopping. We had just finished having high tea at the Crystal Jade restaurant; we walked out to the pavement. The green man was blinking and I rushed out to cross the road, leaving my mother to struggle with her hands full of shopping bags. Out of instinct, when I reached the centre of the road, I turned to look for my mother. She was no longer struggling with her bags. Fear and terror were in her eyes. She opened her mouth but nothing seemed to come out. She rushed to me in an instant, wrapping her arms around me. She seemed to be trying to get me to run. The smile that used to be plastered on my face was gone. Confusion took its place.
    Wham! I was on the ground. I turned to look at my mother. My eyesight was already blurry. She was there, blood dripping from her forehead. She reached for me with her blood sprawled hand.
    Black-that was all I saw.
    Black and nothing else.
    “She’s awake…” murmurs all around me. I tried, I really did. I tried to open my eyes but it was black. All black. The voices were getting louder. My head hurt so much. People were touching me. Unfamiliar touches. Unfamiliar voices. I could hear a man talking to me. His voice was low, but warm, as if it was filled with love and he was talking to his baby.
    “Darling are you okay?”
    “Where am I?”I replied with a sharp edge in my voice.
    “I can’t see. Did somebody off the lights? Who are you? Who am I?” I started to get desperate.
    I heard a sigh. Then this other voice, a man, said he was the doctor. I heard crying. The doctor told me that I was blind. That I had been hit by a car and I lost my memory along with my sight. It slowly registered in my mind that it was not darkness that surrounded me. It was me that was living in darkness. “What is that irritating sound?!” I thought to myself. Then I realized it was actually me, I was whimpering. I felt the hot and heavy salty tears reach my lips.
    “Who am I?” I asked once more.
    The first voice replied. “Star. Your name is Star. I am your father….”he broke off. I sat there silent for a long period of time. I heard the doctor mentioning something to my ‘father’, something along the lines of going to see my mother. Then the door slammed shut. I asked my ‘father’ to tell me more about myself but there was no reply. Instead a lady’s voice told me that he went to see my mother. My ‘mother’? I questioned her. She told me about the incident. She told me that my mother did not have much longer to live. “I want to see my mother!” then I remembered I could no longer see. That I was going to be deprived of sight forever. However, that lady must have read between the lines and knew what I was driving at. She helped me out of bed and I silently followed her, wondering what my mother is like. I felt the lady lead me through the door. It was hard, walking without seeing. Feeling but not knowing.
    Then I was lead to a bed. I held my hands out, feeling the place. It was all confusion. I did not remember my past, yet here I was meeting my mother. A cold and frail hand stretched out to hold my hand and led me to sit down on a chair. I assumed this was my mother. “Darling are you alright?” she spoke to me as if she did not know I had lost my memory.
    “I do not have long to live. This I know, but you do. You have a whole future ahead of you.” There was a sob. “Do you know how you were when you were only three years old…” she told me about how I was when I was younger. I learnt a little bit more about my past. She started to talk about how she did not regret ever rushing out to save me. About the joy she felt whenever she was with me, a dog with two tails, that’s what she said. I felt this wave of comfort rush over me. It was as if the pity I felt at first. The pity for this dying lady, who did not realize that her own daughter had forgotten her, was gone. There was this admiration. Her sudden cough broke me from my trance. She coughed and coughed. Her grip on my hand tightened. I felt hot tears drip down on my hand. I wanted to see the face of this lady. I wanted to see the face of my mother. “I don’t have much longer to go on.” I felt her reaching out to grip my father’s hand as well. She told him to take care of me and for me to take care of him. I heard my father’s cries of sorrow and pain. I cried too. Then I hated myself. How could tears come out of these eyes?! These blind eyes?! Yet I cried and cried.
    I felt her reach out and wipe the tears away with her thumb. “It is sunset now, Star. My mother used to tell me that I came with the sunrise so I shall leave with the sun. Do not cry.” Her breathing became heavier; I could hear her gasping for breath. I let out a whimper.
    She cupped my face with one hand. I felt her cold hand on my cheeks, but it was not cold, it felt warm…very warm. I covered her hand on my face. “Stay bright Star. Even a cat can look up to a king, not to mention my Star. Shine forever my darling…” those were the last words I heard from her. I cried without stopping. The tears kept flowing without stopping. My dad hugged me tightly and I cried and I cried. My dad and I shared that mourning period. For my mother that came with the sun and left with the sun.

    I could never love my mother the way I did before. I love her now for what she sacrificed. I love her now for the tears we have shared together. I love her now for she believed in me. I love her now for she is not only my mother but my beloved mother. I remember her touch, her breath against my skin. Her husky voice filled with care and concern. Her hot tears. Her smell. I remember the pain of thousand arrows piercing through my heart when all life left her. Even though I can only see darkness…I remember…I remember how she looks like…