• January 12th


    It was then I felt it, a wave through my body. I felt it, and I felt it way before it happened. I saw it too. But I said nothing. I sat there and did nothing and let it happen. It's all my fault, that night, it was all my fault. My therapist said to write all this s**t down. I'll be sure to tell her, that no, it doesn't make this any easier

    In a few weeks I'll have to move. There's an orphanage about an hour away from here in Jersey. That'll be my new home for, well, who knows how long really. I've come to except it by now, it's not like there's anything left for me here anyway. Grandma says it's a nice place, I'm sure she'll be dishing out a pretty penny for me to go, but it's no big deal for her, she can afford it. Mom used to talk about the revenue a place like that must rake in, but those are all memories now...

    January 14th.

    Does anyone understand how hard this has been? It's quite evident she doesn't. I call her She, however she does have a name. Doctor Tina Mervo, psychologist of fairly high stature around here, but not with me.
    "Don't you feel you owe it to your parents to live a happy life?"
    "Don't you feel anything in that black whole of a heart you have?" That's what I felt like saying, but of course I didn't. She's the type of person that means well, but just doesn't know what depression really feels like. The type of person that just seems like they haven't gone through anything difficult in their life.
    "Kaya, I know this has been hard on you, of course it has, how could it not. But the behavior you're exhibiting in school is not an acceptable way to deal with all of this."
    There, she probably had a point. After the accident I was obviously a mess. Grandma allowed me to take a few days off. To attend the funeral and what not. But after the dust settled I had to go back. It was the first period of the day and I already felt like a grim reaper on it's death bed. It only took one hurl of n insult to set me off.
    "What happened, your boyfriend brake up with you? HAHA"
    I punched him square in the face. The look on his friend's face however, was almost enough to crack a smile. That, plus the utter jaw dropped face of my English teacher, on any ordinary day, it would've probably generated a bit of a chuckle, but I was in no mood. The result, suspension and mandatory psychological evaluation. And that brings me here.
    "Do you have any pets? Where the relevance was in that question, I didn't quite know, but I was happy to go astray from serious stuff.
    "yes"
    "What are they"
    "I just have fish"
    "Oh, that's nice. Whenever my kids ask for a dog or a cat I always tel them they can get fish." She let out a beyond fake laugh, a valiant effort to relax me, but to no avail.
    And how about Grandma, how is she doing
    "She's fine." My Grandmother May was now my legal guardian. I've never had any qualms with her really, and I figured we'd probably grow a bit closer through all of this. I better stay away from her, it'll only lead to her death, just like everyone else.
    "What do you like to do for fun?"
    "Nothing, really." The reality was there was a ton of things i like to do for fun! I love to draw and write. I hope to be a writer one day, but that I doubt. I also like to sing. That I definitely won't have a career in. Soccer is the closest thing to a sport I enjoy. I used to play when I was younger, it's okay I guess. I tend to get pretty into it in gym class, but again, those are just memories now. I won't be attending real school now. More like social boot camp for the unwanted, unloved, or unowned.
    "Any subjects you enjoy in school?
    "English I guess" That was probably the biggest piece of truth I had told her the whole day. English is always the period of the day I look forward to the most. More then even lunch or foods class. It was the only time in the day I felt I could be real and express myself. Now I just have this stupid notebook.
    "Have you ever thought of hurting yourself?"
    Until then, I thought I had this lady pretty mapped out. What kind of question was that? Have I thought of hurting myself?
    "No" In fact that was probably one of the only things that didn't go through my head during all of this.
    "Oh, well good. I just want you to know that you never have to do that and that there's always a better alternative than hurting yourself"
    At this I began to stand up and decided this meeting was over. Not to be stood up she did the same and pretended as though the meeting had come to a close anyway
    "Well it's been great meeting you, I'll see you next week"
    "Bye"
    What a pig. Who was she to ask me these kinds of questions. As if I hadn't been through enough these past few days, now I had to be emotionally poked and prodded at. I'm never coming back here again. NEVER!

    Dinner that night was as awkward as ever. Grandma was telling me about some local "young hot spots" She tries to be cool, and I appreciate that, so I entertained her efforts."
    "Like what Grandma"
    "Ah, well, yes, all kinds ya see. singin' and dancin' They call it thee uh rusty bar, No nah nah that wasn't it maybe thee uh ah well I don't know but it's just a few blocks down the road why don' ya go and check it out." To most people my Grandmother's speech is like an enigma wrapped in a question mark. My Grandmother May had originally grown up somewhere in the Midwest, maybe Ohio, or was it Iowa? ... I don't really know. She never finished school, but then again, back then that was a common thing. You were lucky if you could finish school is what she says, of course, isn't that what all college dropouts would want to say?
    "I don't know maybe I'll go. I'm not much of a dancer"
    "Experiences! Experiences that's what it's about! Why don ya go n check it out some yeah? Who knows you might even meet a boy!
    "Okay." I didn't really want to but I knew it would please her so I decided I would go the next day.

    That night I dreamt. I dreamt of the accident. I saw Mom there, her beautiful curly golden hair. And Dad too in the passenger seat half asleep, same as that night.
    My brother was blasting music as usual. So loud I could easily hear it from the other side of the car. Then out of nowhere I felt it again, that feeling. It was like this churning going on throughout my body just pounding and pounding, then the voice. A woman's voice, Oh how beautiful and calming. I couldn't make out what it was though, I just couldn't hear. Kind of like when someone screams or yells underwater, you know they're saying something, but you just can't tell what it is. Then I felt the strangest oddest feeling you could ever imagine, from my eyes. they burned a little but mostly it felt like they were, well, what is the word, hardening? I can't really explain it but it just felt odd. It started in my eyes and then followed through all the way down my body. Time seemed to slow. It was as if I could feel every vein in my body pumping my blood, every function in my body just seemed well, easy to understand, but time continued like normal. And then it happened, everyone, just dead instantly, no screams, no yells, just dead. Everyone of course, except for me.


    "Come on and wake now ya gotta start school sometime!"
    I would've rather died ten times over then go to school that morning but of course that wasn't an option, So I got ready for school as usual and headed off.