• Xandifer Scene I


    Ash threw himself down on the mattress with a frustrated sigh. He bashed his head back against the pillows, glaring at the ceiling.

    "What's wrong, Ashy?" Xander asked as his head entered Ashifer's line of sight.

    Ash groaned, "Nothing!" then rolled over and buried his face.

    He felt the bed tilt in one direction as Xander sat down on the edge. "Are you sure about that?"

    Ash pulled a pillow over his head, hoping Xander would take the hint and leave him alone. No such luck.

    "Ash? Are you sure you're okay? You don't seem okay to me--"

    "Yes! I'm fine!" Ash yelled, knocking the useless pillow out of his way and sitting up. "Absolutely fin! Now can you just--just go away? This is difficult enough without you breathing down my neck every five seconds!"

    Xander sat there, blinking and looking completely dumbstruck as he tried to make sense of what Ash said. After a moment he forced out, "You... want me to... go away?" He could tell he looked as dejected as he felt. That always had been enough for Ash. Show a pout, shed a tear, give a glance from those big, bright eyes and he'd soften right up. He never stayed mad at Xander for very long. It was practically impossible.

    That's why it shocked him even more when Ash replied in a cold tone, "That's what I said, isn't it?"

    Xander tried to hold back the water in his eyes but was hard. "Ashy...." was only a small squeak by the time it made it past the lump in his throat.

    Ash held up his hand for silence. He shook his head in aggravation. "Look, I just don't want to deal with this right now. I'm really stressing right with Ti and Gabbi and that f** of a teacher--uh, not literally." He had to be sure to add that when talking to Xander. "I need some space is all and I can't get that with you--"

    "With me what, Ah? With me bugging you? With me annoying you? With me following you around everywhere? Or with me in general?" Xander stared with hard eyes, finally snapping. "Trust me, Ash, things are hard for me too! All you ever worry about is Teleguard! 'I have to beat Ti!' 'I have to regain my father's pride!' 'Revenge this!' 'Training that!' Oh. My. God! I have to do things too, Ash! Unlike you, my life doesn't revolve around a sport! Things are hard for me too!" Xander stopped for a moment for breath, but didn't get much due to the liquid that started trickling from his wounded eyes.

    After a minute he continued quietly, "You don't know how hard it is living with you. Having a constant reminder of how much I like you... it's not easy, Whenever you smile, and laugh, and do that cute little glare thingy you do to try and hide your blush...." Xander paused to giggle. "I hope you know that never works, Ashy. But... though it makes me happy when you're happy... a part of Xander is still sad." He had switched into third person for a moment, something he did without realizing it on occasion. "It makes me sad because no mater how many times I say 'Shoo! Go away butterflies! Go bye bye now!' they never listen. And I'm stuck knowing why... and also knowing that the butterflies leave Ashy alone...."

    The next bit came out in a rush. "Buuut Ashy's still the best thing that ever happened to Xander, so I'm okay with it! I can take the good and the bad over a bowl of choco-chip ice cream any day, butterflies and all!" At the thought of food, Xander's stomach gave a little gurgle, letting him know that ice cream sounded rather good at the moment. "Aww, now I'm hungry!" he whined. "Now wonder you're such a pig, all this yelling and stuff really make me huuuuuungry! Do you wanna get a bite to eat before--"

    "Xander?" Ash said, finally speaking.

    "Yes Ashy?

    "Shut up."

    And the rest was completely one-hundred percent unexpected and unplanned on by both parties. Ash kissed Xander. He didn't know who was more in shock, Xander or himself. He didn't know what to expect either--because, well, like it was already pointed out, he hadn't expected it. Like, ever. But it happened. And as they sat there in a weird, awkward bliss, Ash carried on a conversation with himself.

    'Well... huh... this is kinda... sorta... really... odd. I'm kissing my best friend. Oh, and let's not forget the fact that said best friend is a guy. Even weirder than that, it's XANDER of ALL people.... God, seriously? Xander? Wow Ash, just wow. Look at what has become of you. I mean, really? Xander? Xander is so annoying! He never shuts up! I mean come on, you'd think you'd kiss Gabbi before your gay roommate! At least she's got boobs. Hell, at least she's a she! Xander's just... a weird, dorky, hyper, sweet, cute, annoying queer!'

    Of course, all of this went on in the course of about five seconds. At that last thought, Ash pulled away from Xander, looking at him as though he were crazy, and blurted, "You really are annoying," before retreating to the hall to think.


    Xandifer Scene II {....roughly 3 days later....}


    "Why not, Ashy?"

    "Because, Xander."

    "Because isn't an answer."

    "Just drop it."

    "But I don't wanna drop it."

    "Well I do."

    "Ash--"

    Ash turned to Xander, not glaring, but his eyes weren't exactly nice either. "I said drop it."

    "No, Ash!" Xander fought back, his stare matching the steadiness of his friend's. "You always get your way. You always tell me to drop it or let it go or forget about it. But not this time. It's my turn to get my way and I want some answers."

    "Xander," Ash sulked, " I don't want to talk about it."

    "Well I do," Xander said, throwing Ash's own words back at him.

    "But Xander," he whined.

    "But Ashy," was the mocking reply.

    Now Ash was glaring. "Why do you always do this?" he snapped. "You're always trying to pressure me into crap I don't want to do!"

    "I have every right to know," Xander countered.

    "WHAT is there to KNOW?! It was only experimental! Spur of the moment! It meant nothing to me! End of story. What else IS there to know?"

    Xander winced and turned his clouded vision downward to hide his blurry eyes. He stood, defeated, until he decided he was not giving up that easily. He looked back up and glowered at his roommate. "No, Ashifer. I know you are lying."

    "I am not lying! What is there I could possibly lie about? You think I could actually like you? Xander, you are a guy." Ash motioned to Xander with his hands. He tended to resort speaking with them when worked up about something. "I am a guy." He motioned to himself. "You are gay." Xander again. "I am straight." Himself. Then he dropped his arms and brought on a voice hinting that he were explaining something very simple to a child for the umpteenth time. "I am not attracted to you."

    Xander's confidence deflated and he was reduced to staring at his suddenly very interesting sneakers and tapping his finger against his thigh nervously. "But," he mumbled, "when you kissed me... I thought--"

    "You thought wrong," Ash cut him off. Then his voice softened. "It meant nothing, Xander. I'm sorry."

    "You're lying!" Xander accused frantically. Fighting back his tears had kinda made him tick. "I can see it in your eyes, Ash, so don't tell me you're not! Everyone else can see it, too. They know, Ash. Even Aunty Cassy knows. If they can accept, why can't you?"

    "Why can't you accept that I want to be left alone?! Go find someone else to play the role of your little boyfriend and get off my back already! I'm sorry I'm not desperate enough to be madly in love with you like you want me to be." Ash scoffed.

    "You think that's all this is?" Xander asked, one annoying tear escaping its cage. He wiped it away irritatedly. "It's all just a game with roles to be played? Oh, I know!" he chirped in a false cheery tone. "You can play the role of the poor, misunderstood emo kid who lost his parents and never gets his way and I'll be the happy gay boy who hasn't had a bad day in his life besides when he found out Cher died!" His face fell and his voice dripped with bitter sarcasm. "Riiiight, Ashy. Well wake up, because this isn't some play you put on for your friends, and there's no script to help you when you royally screw up. This is reality, where your only friends are me and a sport. Teleguard will betray you eventually, Ash. Then what? You come rolling back to me in a wheelchair for comfort after pushing me aside and treating me like crap for all this time? Well guess what Ashy?! No. I won't put up with your s**t much longer. So. STOP. LYING!"

    Ash blinked, taken aback by Xander's explosion. Off guard, he asked stupidly, "Since when do you cuss?"

    Xander glared through the liquid that was still trying to get out. "******** you, Ash. [******** you!" Another tear ran free and his voice shook with the unfamiliar vocabulary.

    "Xander!" Ash cried in shock. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

    "What the hell is wrong with me?" he quoted sharply. "I'm gay, Ash. That's what's wrong with me. According to you, anyway. I'm sorry if you see that as a bad thing...."

    Ash looked down guiltily. "I don't think being gay is bad, I'm just--"

    "Just what? Just a jerk? Or a liar?"

    Ash groaned. Xander's bi-polar attitude was giving him a headache. 'Women...' he thought with a weird sense of irony. "I told you before, I am not lying!"

    "Then PROVE IT!" Xander nearly yelled, taking a step toward Ash. He lowered his voice, but his glare deepened all the more. "Prove it," he challenged, stepping even closer.... too close for comfort.... dangerously close for a certain friend of his.....

    Xander watched Ash closely, not missing a single or blink or breath, which he himself did neither of. Slowly, his glare lessened and his eyes slid closed. He was scared. He was risking a lot by doing this, but he couldn't take it anymore. He either liked him or he didn't. There was no in between. Xander waited, knowing more than he wanted to that Ash's reaction could either make or shatter him.

    Ash could tell he was giving in. His defenses slipped for a moment and he could feel his own eyes closing and his muscles leaned in against his will and for the slightest fraction of a second he felt the warmth of Xander's lips brush against his. Then his mind caught up with his body and in his shock Ash pushed Xander away a little rougher than he should have, knocking him by the shoulders into the wall.

    "Xander! Just stop!" Ash cried, again with more force than he had meant. Then his eyes widened at the look of pure, raw, mortified terror on Xander's face. "Ah, s**t! Xander! I-I'm sorry! I didn't--" He cut himself off with a wince.

    Xander's eyes were as wide as an owls; his lips quivered and his heart was fluttering uncomfortably for more than one reason. He had to remind himself to breathe, but when he tried he only choked on a sob which eventually won him over. His entire frame shook, and as mad as he was, his hurt was even worse. Hurt and rejection.

    And that is exactly why no matter how badly he wanted to, Xander couldn't bring himself to refuse when Ash pulled him into a deep, apologetic hug. Xander needed him, and for that he also hated him.Yet all he could manage to do was wrap his arms around Ash in a death grip and bury his face his chest as his broken heart poured out through his eyes.

    "Waydehoohahwideheooisss?!"

    Ash blinked. "Uh... what?"

    Xander sniffed, took a shaky breath, and through his sobs managed to stutter, "Wh-hy... d-do you... al-l-lways... do-o thiiis?!" As soon as the words were out somewhat clearly his strength collapsed and his face was reunited with his new best friend: Ash's shirt. He would need a new one when this was over.

    "Do what? What am I always doing? I don't get it!" Ash sounded desperate. Probably just to make Xander stop crying.

    Xander hiccuped. "Do... thii-i-i-iiiss!" His voice broke as his not-so-quiet bawling interrupted him mid-word. His arms tightened even more around Ash. His nails dug into his sides, letting out his frustration and anger in the only way he could while every other fiber of his being focused on the selfish desire of holding him closer.

    "Xaaaaaandeer!" Ash whined, sounding very much like said person. "I don't understand!"

    "That's exactly it!" Xander snapped, more of his aggravation leaking out for a moment. "You don't understand because you don't listen!" Then he broke again. He was too sad to yell right now. His nails dug deeper into Ash's sides, hoping they would leave marks. He deserved them enough. He moved his head to the side so that his cheek rested against Ash's now soaked `n salty shirt; the better to speak and be understood. Xander sniffled, then in a weak, quiet, shaky voice said, "You always do this.... You act like you care, yet you say you don't like me.... in that way. And then you do something like this," his voice broke on the word, kipping up several octaves, "and I can't help but fall for your stupid hugs and pathetic jokes all over again." His tone cracked to a sleepy whisper. "I'm tired of it, Ashy. I'm weak and I'm tired."

    "You sound like you're describing a fifty year old man," Ash joked, trying to lighten the mood.

    Xander continued as though Ash hadn't spoke. It obviously hadn't worked. "I just can't do it anymore. So just... tell me now... please...."

    Ash stood there and took it, both the physical and the mental pain, because he knew every word of it was true. He hated hurting Xander, but he couldn't stop himself from doing it all the time. Even if he could.... he was hurting him just by knowing him. And he would have to hurt him again right now.

    "Xander, I can't because I don't." It was a lie. Ash knew it. Xander knew it. Ash knew Xander knew it just as much as Xander knew Ash knew it. But they both accepted that as their answer for now. Because until Ash could accept otherwise for himself....

    Xander nodded and whimpered, "Okay...."