• Don’t Go.


    tab When I was eight and he was ten, we would climb out our window onto the roof, just sitting quietly looking up at the stars. We’d usually do this after a bad day when the bullying was so bad we’d both come home with sore eyes and red faces. We’d stare up at the tiny lights illuminating above us, wondering if it’d ever stop. Wondering if there was anyone else out there that could understand, but knowing in our hearts…deep down, that we only had each other. We were each others only light.
    tab Eventually we’d make our way back, back into the room we both shared. Him heading to the top bunk of our bed, while I slipped to the bottom. I’d lay there, imagining him, staring up at the ceiling and listening to my breathing. I always imagined he did this to reassure himself, that I was okay, that he was okay and that we’d still have each other in the morning. The thing is…I never really knew, he never ever told me.

    tab Our parents divorced years later on his fourteenth birthday. At that time I was twelve and Junior High had proven to be worse than elementary. He and I had tried to tell them, our so in love parents, but in the end they just fought, blaming themselves and never really solving the problem. The divorce apparently was supposed to solve things.
    tab While our parents filled out the divorce papers and made angry phone calls, I ran up to my room, grabbing all the money I had saved up and went looking for my brother. I found him, sitting silently on the front porch, I looked down at him and he looked up at me, just staring.
    tab “Come on.” I said grabbing his hand and pulling him up. “Lets go.”
    tab We started walking, away from our house, away from the street corner, away from our neighborhood and onto the road. We walked two miles away to the Quick Zip, a small gas station and went inside. Determined I walked to the back where they had rows of snacks and sweets, I grabbed two packs of mini Hostess Cupcakes, two bottles of Dr. Pepper (Our favorite drink by far) and made my way to the cash register.
    tab After paying I walked outside where my brother had stayed, he was sitting in the middle of a parking space which would be silly of him…but no one ever comes here. I went and sat next to him, unwrapping the cupcakes, I sang “Happy Birthday” softly, handing one to him and watching with a sad smile as he took a bite. The cupcakes were waxy and gross, the Dr. Pepper was flat, but that was my favorite meal we ever had.
    tab As soon as we finished, we walked to the large dumpster that was on the side of the Quick Zip, throwing away the trash. He took my hand just like when we’d walked here, as we made our way back home.

    tab Some point after the divorce it was decided we’d move in with our mother. My brother and I arrived at her doorstep with sunken eyes and broken hearts, carrying out things in tattered suitcases. She smiled when she saw us, enveloped us both in bear hugs, trying to squeeze hope into us, trying to convince us we still considered her our mom. I had no mother, not anymore.
    tab We unpacked our bags, mom had made sure there was enough room in the new house that my brother and I had separate rooms. I sat down on my bed, looking at my new room and just thought. I thought about my mother who wasn’t my mother anymore. I thought about my father who was now so far away. And finally I thought of what was ahead…a thought that scared me.

    tab We’d sit in his car, keys in the ignition, but never leaving the safety of our driveway. We’d sit there, sometimes I’d reach over and flip the radio on. I’d turn the volume up loud and then thrust my hands into the air. I’d close my eyes and sing with whatever song was playing, putting as much passion into each word as I possibly could. There were times when I’d hear him singing along, our voices letting out all our pain into the lyrics. Mixing part of ourselves…into all those silly, silly songs.
    tab There were other times, that it’d be deathly quiet. I’d look over and see him gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles turned white. He’d look straight ahead, foot on the gas pedal, ready to drive away, ready to get out. He’d contemplate for what felt like hours, but in the end he’d turn to look at me, hands dropping into his lap, eyes hinting fresh tears. I’d lean close to him, wrapping my arms around him and murmuring “Someday.”

    tab We moved again, this time into a bigger house with mom and her new boyfriend who had three kids of his own. My brother was now seventeen and I was fifteen. In this new town my brother finally met new people that soon replaced me. When mom and her husband were out, he magically would be too, with plans and exciting adventures of his own. I’d sit at home, whipping up some Mac n cheese for the kids that were not my real siblings. It was then that I realized I was truly alone in this world.
    tab My days were spent in fairytale stories, sneaking peaks out my window in hopes that I’d just see something. Anything. I would hope it’d call me out from the walls of my room, the solitude…and take me somewhere, anywhere, anywhere had to be better than here. It never happened. The days became nights, nights became days in the world I’d created for myself.

    tab Before I even knew what happened he was leaving for college. I woke up late, glancing over at the table beside my bed and seeing a simple note with my name scrawled across the front. My eyes widened as I jumped up, I saw his car leaving our driveway. I ran to the front door, pushing past my fake family and outside. I chased after the only person I’d ever loved my whole life. I ran and ran, ran until I lost my breath. I stopped, knees buckling from under me and fell down to the ground. I cried, choking on my tears and spitting on the ground. I rocked back in forth, trying to calm down, trying to accept the fact he was gone now.
    tab “Don’t go…” I whispered knowing it was too late. My two words were carried off by the wind, I imaged them traveling so far they fell off the edge of the Earth, where he could never hear them.
    tab I walked back home shortly after, picking up the note that had fallen on the floor. As I unfolded it I let out a shuttering breath. That’s when I knew, whatever was written here would change my life, even if it involved breaking it.

    tab I’ll meet you in the parking space.

    tab He didn’t sign it, he didn’t have to. I was there.