A Field of Daffodils
A field of daffodils, all you do is bring back bad memories to me. The memories of a girl, who was my only friend. The memories of me being crueler then I should have been. While others would talk easily, I would sit there and wallow. While others looked at me sideways, I kept a blank expression.
Field of Daffodils, why have you cursed me? If only you would let me get on with my life, even though I know that even without you the pain would still be there. What are you really to me, you stupid flowers? Even I do not know.
"You think differently then others. So when the world falls into havoc, I'm following you." She used to tell me, when others would say I over think things. She'd link her arm with mine, and we walk away. I was lucky to have a friend like her at all. I didn't think so then.
I thought of her as annoying. I didn't want friends, I didn't see there point. I wouldn't voice it openly to her, only now do I realize it was because I didn't want to hurt her. I was stupid, blinded by self pity.
Stupid girl, why didn't you hate me? Stupid girl, why did you never react when I was so cruel to you?
Now I put daffodils on your grave.
The thing that kills me the most about it all really, is how I reacted when I heard
the news. When I heard the news of her being diagnosed with cancer. My reaction was blank, as if nothing had happened. But really it was just a show for my parents.
Inside I was relived. I thought, no longer will I have to pretend for this girl. No longer will I have to say such words that have poisoned my tongue once she's gone.
For the longest time, my parents would let me stay at her house for weeks. The doctor’s frame of mind hadn't changed. "She is going to die. She's had it for a long time and it hasn't been treated until now. I don't have much hope."
I watched her cry, and thought nothing of it. I comforted her, without a heart. Still she felt as if I was the only person doing anything for her. When she got really sick and had to be in the hospital for weeks, I was the only one she wanted by her side. "You are a comfort to me, I can't explain why. Maybe it's because you don't act like everyone else." she told me once.
I know she wasn't dense. When I looked in her eyes, I could tell she knew I didn't think much of her.
I regret it now, as I lay daffodils on your grave.
The girl with tears streaked across her face, and with a look of knowing in her eyes. I was stupid, to hate her. I had no reason to. Still, she loved me, even if she did know that I couldn't stand her.
It was the last weeks, when my prospective of her changed. We talked for once, and during then I couldn't help but think, she's not really as bad as I made myself think huh? We were, for the only time we ever will get, close.
Of course, these were some of the last weeks she would live. It wasn't long before you could see her becoming frailer, and frailer. Soon she had to stay in the hospital.
And for the first time ever, I cried for someone that wasn't myself.
God, why do you have to take her? Why must you torment her? I am the one you should torture, not a good person like her. I would think.
Alas the day came, but it was not the last thing she would ever say to me. She was prepared; she had awaited this fate for a long time and had thought of ways to contact the people close to her once she was dead. I got my letter about two days after the funeral.
I'm sorry things ended up this way. But please, do not cry for me. Who knows what awaits me after death, but I wish to grant you a few last things before you leave as well.
Even though you spoke harshly to me, and often didn't want to be near me, I ignored it and stood by you. You must wonder why...
Well that is a conversation we will never have. Even though you gave me the cold shoulder, these past weeks I finally caught a glimpse of your hope. Please, for me, don't shut yourself out anymore. It will only cause more pain to you.
I clutch the note tightly.
As I stare at the daffodils on your grave.