• Friday, July 10, 2009
    2:22AM


    Today seemed ok. Itora got online for once in like a month and I talked to him practically all day, and I finally got to see what he looked like. Actually…that was the only good thing that came of it. Juan didn’t send me a text all day long…and I know he goes to work tomorrow. He got on a few hours earlier and hollered at me.

    He apologized for not sending me any contact, probably knew I was freaking out (which in truth I was, I was terrified that he had hooked up with Kat and didn’t want to talk to me anymore.) Well…I wasn’t to far off. When he got on, after he said sorry, he was point blank in saying it. Which I thank him for, “Um…Kat and I are….um….should I go on?”

    I felt like my heart was torn into two and thrown at me. Julio said that I should fight like hell, not give up until I got what was mine. I wanted to; I wanted to storm down to California and slam my fist against his door until he opened it up. I had it all planned out, I knew for a fact I’d be scared out of my wits but I had a dream about it.

    I kina lied to Juan about it though, I told him I came with Julio, but in fact I stormed to Juan’s house by myself and got directions from him, true he was with me as I drove to his house, mad as hell but when I got there he didn’t get me into his house. He sat back in my car as I knocked on his door, put on a big fake smile for his mom and his sister and when he finally came down and they left us alone I smacked him across the cheek, hard.

    His eyes were wide in shock but I didn’t give time for either of us to think, I grabbed him by his shirt and kissed him deeply, god it was the best kiss I’d ever had. But halfway through the kiss he grabbed me and pulled me to him, Julio was in my car making gagging sounds for fun, making us both flip him off while still kissing. I knew and know my feelings. I love him; I love him with all my heart. I don’t now how long it’s been since he left me.

    I think it’s been a month…hell it could have been two months but it feels like yesterday he told me he was sorry, but he was in love with Kat…oh but he still cared for me deeply. I warned him about it…so many times…so many damn times. I had dreams…nightmares that he would leave me for Kat.

    I remember one dream…so damn visibly…I was asleep in bed, turned to the left with the moonlight shining through an open window onto the bed. I felt the bed move and I rolled over to see Juan pulling off his shirt, his pants already on the floor by the bed with his socks and shoes. I leaned up and put my hands on his shoulders, kissing the back of his neck; asking him how his day at the art studio went.

    He sighed and wouldn’t look at me, he told me it was good but tiring…and…he’d been thinking. I blinked and wrapped my arms around him, feeling a cold spot in my heart that told me something was about to go horribly wrong. I couldn’t stop myself from asking, what have you been thinking about? He was silent a moment and bent his head down so I couldn’t see his eyes.

    Kat came by the studio today, he told me, and she looked really great. I smiled, I think I’d met Kat before and I knew we got along we always had over msn. I looked at the ring on my left hand ring finger and smiled, I think we’d had three years of marriage under our belts. I was thinking about how much he loved me.

    I think I made a mistake. He said softly, I blinked, snapping out of my daze. What? I asked. I couldn’t hide my voice wavering from fear. I think I made a mistake…he repeated, I’ve…I’ve realized how much I care for Kat…Brittany…I love her…and I think I’ve made…a big mistake.

    Imagine a small heart made of glass set up on a pedestal, smooth and without a crack or nick anywhere in it. Then imagine someone taking a sledge hammer and smashing it, then…when it’s all fallen to the ground, they take a big boot and stomp down on the pieces until they are tiny mirrors of the persons face, frozen forever into the shards.

    I felt like that, my heart shattered at some simple words. I gathered my courage and let go of him quickly, making him look back at me. I was crying, tears streaming down my cheeks. If it’s what you want. I said simply. I got out of the bed and walked to the door after packing a bag of clothes, thinking about the hotel across town that always had rooms open. Juan never looked back at me; he just sat there, with his head in his hands, crying to himself and staring at the floor, his wedding band gone from his finger.

    I looked back at him and waited until he lifted his head, his brown eyes so sad and lonely, I smiled as best I could and removed the band putting it on the oak dresser by the door, showing it to him. Give your new Mrs. Velasquez all my love and regards…I hope you two are happy….if you wish…I’ll send you pictures of the baby. And with that I left, leaving Juan to look back at the floor and cradle his head in his hands, crying softly.

    I remember jerking myself awake from that, tears already in my eyes and the word ‘no, please’ on my lips. I told Juan a sketchy version of it but he only laughed and called me silly, he’d never hurt me that way. I was the only woman for him. I was his queen, his life, and his love. It was one of his favorite quotes from Lyonidus of 300.

    I believed in it, I had two or three dreams of us having a child together, getting married, living together, just the two of us. But…all of it was shattered the day he told me his realization of his love for Kat. I cried for days, simply lying in my bed with a book on one side of me, my cell phone in the other, just staring at nothing as I recalled all the dreams, nightmares, hopes and fears I had and realized which was true and which was fantasy.

    Now I can’t stand to write anything but poetry, heartbreaking emo poetry. Or drawing pictures of shattered, torn or bleeding hearts. I can’t smile without forcing myself, I can’t laugh at all unless it’s too hilarious that even the dead couldn’t help but giggle. Some people will call me emo or a p***y. But what I had for him…even if it was returned…my feelings for him were true.

    I know I won’t date anyone else. I’ve already had a dream about it; I’m going to die a bitter old b***h, alone in a small house out in the woods. It’s like my personal fear: dying without knowing your own child’s unconditional love, without a memory of being in the emergency room, waiting for a nurse to bring you your baby.

    Its 3:07AM now, and I’ve poured everything that I know of to write about into today’s entry…who knows. Maybe my dreams…or nightmares…will uncover something I missed.