This month was your birthday month. You would have been 55. I never remembered how old you were, when you were still here. I stopped counting when you were 41, but now you stopped counting.
This month has been full of ups and downs, highs and deep hard to get out of lows.
My health has went down hill. Sleeping feels nonexistent since you left. I can't relax. I tried meditation, yoga, working out, writing, reading, painting, smothering myself with a pillow, nothing is really working. My mind is always being a little jerk, thinking of one crappy thing I did or another. All the "what if"'s, and "wish I did"'s. Honestly, just missing you and feeling incredibly alone now.
I can't seem to keep myself up and going. I miss having you to whine to, about that kind of thing. You'd tell me not to baby myself, but I'd call and vent to you regardless.
I miss your voice. I miss seeing "mom" come up on my phone. I miss just knowing you exist in the world.
I try to focus on the present during the day. Set the acknowledgement of your absence aside, and carry on. Try to be happy and productive, but it is not going as smoothly or normal as I'd like. I just feel broken all the time.
Nights are the worst. There is no where to run. Nothing else to focus on. Just a lot to think about, that I'd rather not think about, and none of it is helpful in the end.
It is complicated. I want to honor your memory, but there is a lot of negativity there. I don't want to glorify you or our relationship, but I miss it all regardless. I miss it for what it was. Most of the time, it was a messy, dysfunctional, and an unhealthy relationship. That doesn't make anything better, or easier. It just makes it all complicated, and unfinished.
The way you left still upsets me. I feel like when someone dies of cancer, you get more time to accept the situation, and say your goodbyes. The way you handled it, because you didn't tell us, it still feels like you died suddenly and traumatically. I think that's why I'm still having such a hard time. Still, sometimes I feel like I'm over reacting, and find myself judging myself, for feeling sad and missing you. Like I should be over it already. Definitely feeling like I'm crazy. But in time, give it time. They say it gets better. So, I'll just have to wait this one out.
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