I didn't think of you yesterday, not even once. I was too busy with my book to realize it, until the end of the day. But for once in a very long time you weren't in my head. I wasn't thinking about you; what were you doing? where could you be? how are you? I just spent my day in my room. My body at rest. My nose in a book. My eyes straining a bit.
It was a little late, pass midnight. I normally sleep even later, but I've been reading for hours. I felt like sleeping earlier than usual. I put the bookmark in chapter 23. I turned the lights off and climbed to bed. I tucked myself in and slept on my side. It was the end of my day, really the beginning of the next. One arm, my right arm, was flat on my bed, then it just hit me; A memory of you hits me like a ton of bricks.
My right hand was flat on the bed, the same way it was on your chest a long time ago. I remember sitting on a field, the green grassy field on a clear, sunny day. I was squatting on the grass. Then you put your head on my lap. I look at you smiling at me for just a second. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to touch you. I even felt the urge to kiss you. But I stopped myself. Both my hands were on the ground, supporting my weight. I dare not touch you. But then, you took my hand.
You took it in yours and you put it on your chest. You held it there for the littlest while. Then you left it alone. I could have taken it back anytime, but I didn't. I didn't want to. So I kept my hands busy. I began to tap my fingers to an imaginary beat in my head. I traced lazy circles on your chest. I just did anything to hide my nerves. Then I felt something that calmed me down.
Your heart’s steady beating under my palm. My hand finally settles down to feel your heartbeat. I listen to it. I like it. I liked it so much because it was like having something that told me that everything was okay, that you were okay. I see you everyday. I talk to you everyday. I know you're okay, but all of it were just assumptions. Now I felt it, literally felt something that told me that you're okay. Something that proved to me that you're okay, that everything will be fine.
Feeling that strong, steady rhythm calmed me. It reassured me. I always thought that if I knew that your heart was still beating I don't have to worry about anything. Everything could shatter. I could crumble away but if I knew that you're okay then I will be too.
Nothing in my life ever felt that right. It's so rare to come across something or someone that significant. Now, I pity the people that have never felt it. I could die away and know for sure that I've loved someone more than humanly possible and if given the chance to love more I'd do it... happily.
I love your heartbeat. I like hearing it, feeling it and having it... I miss it.
I snap back to reality. My hand is beside me, flat on my bed. It wasn't on your chest anymore. We weren't on the field anymore. Your head wasn't on my lap. I was in my bed, alone. It’s the middle of the night. I'm in my room. My dark room. My hand is on the bed, and it's only the mattress, the bedsheets and empty space. I don't feel anything... not anymore.
I don't feel your heartbeat. I don't feel it. I don't hear it. I don't have it with me. I miss it. I don't know if you're okay.
I cry. I cry on my pillow, finally thinking of you and how much I miss you and your heartbeat.
- Title: Missing your Heartbeat
- Artist: alinx23
- Description: old blogpost of mine... very highschool, teen sort of writing about love and lost... enjoy.
- Date: 01/02/2009
- Tags: love