My New Smile

• Artist: Guardian123
• Description: This poem is about my new and Current Girlfriend of 2 months and she makes me smile every time I peer into her eyes Hope you like it and feel free to comment on what I should do to improve it
• Date: 03/24/2009
• Tags: smile

A girl that is just like me
Both childish and carefree
To whom I am sharing my life with
A woman that brings joy to my days and smiles to my nights
She is a cuddle bug and a pest at times
She clings to the fabrics of my shirt and nags when she doesn't get her kiss
Her teasing and jokes are annoying and sometimes hurtful
Although I still have to laugh
Our relationship may not be the best but it is as close to heaven as I've ever been
Her presents is inspiring and warming at the same time
I have found a soul to bind with and a woman to protect
She understands my faults and leads my strengths
Tickles my intellect and toys with my verse
Dances the tango of love and affection
She is the one who repaired the broken beaten heart that is now able to love again
My new smile that brings me our happiness.

Comments

[Dark Angel Of Night]

and once you establish who your talking about you don't have to use she and her so much. I know you may need it in a few places but 7 times is a bit much for one poem. It takes away from other aspects becasue we know its her. Just my opinion. Don't take it the wrong way just sweeking.

I couldsn't fit it in one post. you can only use 500 words. lame

[Dark Angel Of Night]

I like a lot it but it could deff be compressed. Take a look at it again in week or two and try to see if you can take take out the extra words.

Like here

"Our relationship may not be the best but it is as close to heaven as I've ever been"

could be shortened to-

Our relationship isn't the best but it's as close to heaven as I've ever been.

See its still saying what you wanted to say but there isn't so much extra stuff or fluff as my creative writing teacher once told me.

[iiZoMbIeClOwN]

wow i like it 5/5