• "Excuse my 'bad' disposition"
    I spoke with desperation
    "Love, I've got a question,"
    I said alone, quietly
    "Did you ever love me?"
    the question rang out

    Two weeks before, started lazily,
    Saturday sky, causing gaiety
    in my room, waking sleepily
    watching skies of white, sun fed
    above my bed, above my head
    thinking of the wonderful news

    I reveled that I knew what she was gonna say
    what she had figured out, the evening of yesterday
    it was a new dawn, of a new, bright, shining day
    I mustered a belief as powerful as one believes
    though flustered, as falling, in the breeze...leaves
    I basked myself in the not so calm of my ecstasy

    For two more days I awoke like this
    In a state of sheer and utter bliss
    Those queer, happy feelings I miss
    I remember, so gay was I that day
    Until, it happened, in an unlucky way
    as all disasters come about, unluckily

    I stared, jaw ajar, at the email blazing on the screen
    the question there, so innocent, seemed obscene
    "Would you leave me for her?" it said...keen
    Shakily I thought what my answer would be
    My fingers played across the keys, honestly
    as the cursor hovered over send, my finger dropped

    Asleep, my mind had faded, in morning, I awoke
    Anxious, no, apprehensive, were words I spoke
    and at my situation, it was fun, I tried to poke
    but the reality of it all wasn't funny, so serious
    and it was delirium for those who aren't delirious
    It was an unexpected, yet expected occurrence

    I knew what she would do, before I read the email
    still... I can recount that it felt like being pelted by hail
    I recall, thinking that if it were a class, I would fail
    I already figured out that she'd leave me for my answer
    the answer was honest, what I wanted, and it had a lure
    It was my belief that had caused me to let truth slip

    A day followed, with the terrible knowledge, that I broke her
    but ignorant was I, it was not just her breaking to which I spur
    but I also managed to start a friendship's disintegration, like a cur
    Another email read, bringing news of my own ignorance to my mind
    at this news I answered back, with words that I now cease to find
    because those words cannot be shared, intimate and private, they are

    When one knows their crime was no crime at all
    You will find that others, you immediately appall
    And like an angel, from others' grace, you fall
    With the sadness, came emotion colored red
    the unmistakable hue of a shroud of hatred
    where love should be, this shroud had obscured

    Attacked...attacked, by the what if and would've been
    sleep was a plague, awakened, I never would know when
    using methods of calming, I tried to count to uttered number ten
    Counting, counting, counting down the seconds 'till more judgment
    another day away, a day of peace, before more extreme, was torment
    and still I swayed on unsteady legs, knowing that I must redeem myself

    Dreadfully came the red dawn of the Monday
    Eyes snap open, awakened in an automated way
    Tormentingly awake, yet still in bed I continued to lay
    Through willpower I dragged myself from my cover
    in the mirror, I did not see my face, but that of another
    Epiphany, I believe, told me to face the consequences

    Step by step, I marched toward the car
    Mind miles away, the walk was not far
    dead man on the green mile, a falling star
    Three minute drive turned to an hour
    over time, I hadn't any real power
    Tugging to a stop...arrival

    Stepping from the car, closing the door
    I don't want to be me, not anymore
    I feel so much like a betraying whore
    One foot, one foot in front of the other
    leaded feet, the ground, they smother
    as I step into the door, my insides fall apart

    Forty eight minutes, and I start to shake
    another forty eight and I cannot wait
    Sitting through the torturing forty eight
    finally I see her, realization, I need her
    for once, words, I do not slur
    as I start to speak, words coming slow

    Sentence by sentence I start to speak
    words coming faster, yet still I seem weak
    What did I want, is it forgiveness that I seek
    "I told the truth." I had whispered, quietly
    "I'm proud of you." she whispered to me
    "Then why do you hate me?" I replied, wanting

    Oh, by the yellowed lights buzzing above my head, I heard
    that she hated me, for things to me, that were obscured
    I cannot believe, that I would be, the capacity lacking turd
    to not have previously known, to her best friend, everything was told
    I wanted, to start a fight, malevolence had taken me in it's hold
    but only for a brief moment, something inside of me...stirred

    I think that I dreamed a dream only the mind of a demented mortal may create
    A dream that bordered on reality, everything in it, all of it, seemed real, not fake
    In my dream, I formulated a plan, everything was in my head now, steps to take
    I blinked several time, the dream still before my eyes, the bell had rung, off we go
    we were reading a book when my dream had occurred. but I believe it did not show
    I knew how to fix it, everything, no more tears. just smiles and laughter, if I succeeded

    I spoke to Eli-her, when three more forty eights passed
    With all of my emotions, words on paper, I amassed
    and even my greatest achievements, I has surpassed
    I laid it all down, everything, bare for her too study, see
    all my traits, faults, pros and cons, everything on me
    just to say I was sorry, and in the end, I was forgiven

    I went home that night, events seemed uneventful
    I started to think, to dream of things now null
    I went to bed that night, my senses now dull
    I was awakened by light from my window
    steadily, I got up, spirit on the high and low
    Once again, to school, I had embarked...

    I will skip my uneventful activity
    The only important piece to study
    is the part at the end, don't you see
    I went again, and I fixed, repaired
    though my senses were impaired
    Everything was okay Jor-she was okay

    I can't believe how desperately wrong I was
    I walked her to the next class, feeling shoves
    I was going to ask her, but then I stopped, 'cause
    He walks up to her, completely ignorant
    and asks her, as I stare completely indignant
    choking on my heart, I turn and walk away

    That night, I went and sat down in the shower
    Every single feeling I had, they turned sour
    and as I exited, near the ending of the hour
    I felt as if I were so drained, so very empty
    and I was astonished the Eli-she could not see
    just exactly, what had happened to me

    Silent for days, I did not want to burden them with my problem
    I realized, that all the things that occurred, it was all for fixing them
    Cutting the original weed at it's roots, I was hit by the stem
    Why was there such a horrible counterattack, a backlash
    it was as if, in all of the cleansing fire, I was to die by ash
    Or maybe it was just a hint of what I was to die by?

    Later, I've lost track of time, I opened my eyes to the light
    It was coming in through my window, assaulting my sight
    Wasn't it just a few seconds ago, I had told myself goodnight?
    I stood and walked to the shower, still wanting to be back in bed
    and when I sat down, a song playing, a series of thoughts in my head
    It was, strange, it was, queer, it was, true, sensations, an epiphany...

    It was a simple thing, oh so simple a thing
    but how those kinds of processes can sting
    and how it can remove the wind from your wing
    listen now, we are nearing the bitter end
    how much money I would want to send
    to deliver me to a happier close to my tale

    Another week and I wrote a note
    words that cannot escape my throat
    the intimate things that I had wrote
    A singular vital step in my plan
    to make myself act, I know I can
    As I step forward and deliver the message

    I knew that there would be three different endings
    I knew because I thought them through in ramblings
    and because of feelings that would turn to lingerings
    reader, do not fool yourself, there is a true end, to refer
    but imagine if you will, that you may choose one you prefer
    so you may look at my story, and give me a fairy tale ending

    Ending A

    "Gather round, come friends, rejoice!"
    Oh please listen to her just choice
    which was spoken in loving voice
    "I need you, I choose you not him"
    I love that fulfilled, was my whim
    what a beautiful end to my tale

    Or would you choose, the latter
    an ending that would prove sadder
    one which would make the mad madder
    would you choose the pessimistic
    over the highly chosen optimistic
    would you wish me such a fate?

    Ending B

    I cannot say how I departed into lonely emptiness
    whether it was her voice which started sadness
    or my reaction which led to madness
    I was left without serenity
    I ceased to feel tranquility
    heartbroken with failure, and speechless I fall

    Or rather, would you choose me to be left without fulfillment
    but filled with a rather empty contentment, and resentment
    left without surprise, without worthy reaction, or astonishment
    would you choose the true ending, what I had let myself do
    would you be honest, and know this is what I had chosen too?
    Will you choose with me, an ending, that is, for lack of word, bittersweet?

    Ending C(True Ending)

    I had complete confidence in my epiphany
    I walked away in complete, total stability
    I spoke with a pure, precise clarity
    "I knew you wouldn't prove me wrong."
    I sat down in the dark, sang our song
    With empty eyes, but still content, I let go

    If this cloud, this gray, stormy cloud has a silver lining
    then, in all truth, I must say that it is not shining
    maybe if I discover it, it'll be self defining
    that to behold a bitter truth, the bitter truths
    that she shall never be mine, but a thought that soothes
    and quietly, speaking aloud, quiet heart beats declinin'

    I go to her and ask my question
    no hint on me to confess apprehension
    she knows not that she meet my expectation
    through moments where I am weak and weary
    and sitting alone, writing, eyes becoming dreary
    I conclude the story of my own, bitter epiphany

    "Excuse my 'bad' disposition"
    I spoke with desperation
    "Love, I've got a question,"
    I said alone, quietly
    "Did you ever love me?"
    the question rang out

    (After Note, editated due to recent events.)

    And in the silence that ensued for the next three weeks
    I knew that there was an answer, an answer everyone seeks
    and in the silence, I wanted to break it, and she knows who speaks
    I found myself and gathered myself, and brought myself together
    and I tell myself, that it is me, and I'll be me, always me forever
    and she gave me an ending, that is best described as bittersweet

    She's made it known, that she has the capacity to love me
    that she might actually take my hand and let me help her see
    that we may, in a later day, end out together, the two of us, we
    who almost gave up on what we had always known was there
    we, who now know, that the ecstasy and burden is for us to share

    She lacks the selfishness to willingly break a heart
    so I will go, and I will do, my seemingly endless part
    and I shall await the day, when we are together, not apart
    She told me the same, that she will stay, and wait for me
    and I decide, that nothing, not even time, an endless sea
    will keep her and me apart, not as long as my spirit shall live...

    Epilogue

    Nay, do not say another week, I shall land in dismay
    Why is it, that in the very morning of Friday, yesterday
    That In all things, I cannot go to her, and say what I wish to say
    everyone told me, that we would land out breaking each other
    Trying to tell me that, finally they took their voices, and me, they smother
    and just what happens, when you force me, to rip my heart out?