demons

• Artist: planet-lover4er
• Description: not my best but came to me one day while walking home this is in a guys veiw not me
  i lik feed back
• Date: 11/16/2011
• Tags: demons

every day i watch her walk by
every day i try to get the courage to talk to her
every day i watch her demons take her away piece by piece
and every day i wish i was strong enough so that my demons hadn't built a wall around me

Comments

[onionio]

You have a good start and some interesting ideas, you just need to finish them. Keep trying and best of luck to you.

[onionio]

I wouldn't call this poetry so much as prose. The ideas in this aren't fully developed. You need to expand on each line, particularly the last. You also need to better portray the connection between each line. The repetition of "every day" is a bit out of place. Usually repetition gives the illusion of something happening over and over again. You may have tried to use it that way, but since the rest of your poem is underdeveloped it doesn't give much meaning to the work as a whole.