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To Rina, If you ever bother stalking me this far.

Firstly, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for many things.
There are things I've told you but haven't...

I'm sorry for being such a bad friend, consumed in my own feelings to a point I feel like I should give up and ignore you and others who care about me.
I'm sorry for being so selfish and hurt others without intending to.
I'm sorry for being so whiny, clingy and retarded.
I'm sorry for being so weak and stubborn because I can't seem to say some things to you without crying.
I can't even tell you in real life because I can't seem to say it. I can't seem to express myself... That's also why when you're near... I just seem all shifty and doubtful.
And when I do happen to say it, I cry. When I told you I don't want my friends to leave me, I cried. When I confessed near the NSB bus stop, I cried.

Half of me believes people DO care about me... but half of me thinks not.
I remember... I remember someone once telling me:
"You? Having friends? Nobody likes you! Everyone HATES YOU! They just pretend to be your friend because they hate you and are scared of you!"
I... can't stop crying... And now every time I care about someone, and someone cares about me... When someone gets close to me, those words keep resonating in my mind.

I still on my computer have a copy of a letter I sent you, but deleted it before you could read it. Why? I was scared. I was scared what you might think. I was scared you would hate me and leave me. The last paragraph said:
'I'm not going to bother continuing. You don't and probably won't understand me. Hate me if you must but I won't hate you. Because I can't.'

At the moment, I feel like calling you. To hear you voice... to reassure me it'll be ok... But I know it's not. I feel like nothing can stop this pain.
Pain? Why pain? What caused the pain? I don't know anymore. I can't think properly. I'm so confused. I don't know anything when I'm in this state. I'm so muddled. I can't think! I'm sorry... I'll have to tell you the rest some other time...

Oh, and sorry for rambling. I don't even know if this whole entry made sense.

`Eva