hmm. I never got around to posting those pictures from prom up yet. oh well. I guess I'll still debate about it some more later. Life life life. sheesh it's so annoying but hell what can I do about it? I want to live right? so I have to except it whether I like it or not. cause if I don't like it, then that's what death would be for right?. Man things have been such a drag after high school. I never applied for my college 'my fault' I never got my finacial aid 'my/mother's fault' and I never got a job 'my fault I guess'. there's so much that's been holding me back from doing anything this summer and so far I haven't made too much progress. July is the deadline for columbia so I have very little time left. I have no money and was cut from allowance so that's all a bunch of bull. I don't have a state I.D. so I'm restricted from a lot of things since I'm no longer a child and is required to carry around one. Everything just sucks. Okay so I did my finacial aid like so and so weeks ago and I applied for columbia finally. but now they want a teachers recomendation before reveiwing the application. that sucks like hell. so friday with some miracle, I'm going to go up to the school and pick up my recommendation. afterwards things can slowly get back on track.
so there's this job thing right. I need one, that's not an option any more. my friends are growing sick of constantly paying for me to do everything with them. I can't even leave out of the house to go with them because I'm that broke. so what do they have to do? pay for my bus fare just so I can go with them. well ya know what, I'd rather stay home then to always have to listen to you all's mouths about me being a burden. thats not the exact words that come out of their mouths but thats how I feel. it's not easy for me right now so not having people to keep my backbone straight is just making things worse. I'm stuck in that situation again of feeling as if I'm not going to have a future so what's the point of going on if everytime we go out, I have to treasure every single second of it because I'll never know when we'll ever do it again... or if I will. Merciful/Tan is going to the marines or what not. he's going to become something now. he's been doing far too many things that I don't approve but hell what can I do about it. I'm at home. doing nothing all day. I have no money. I can even see the one person who still remains in my heart. I think about her... but I don't call. I so badly want to get a job so that I can have money to go see her and take her out places. be able to invite her to my house and have money to take her home. I want to have money so I can get off of my a** and visit her a lot to show her that I care about her because I'd rather see her then pick up my phone. but... I don't think anyone understood that.
constantly I'm being pushed or told by my best friend that I should make a move on her and take her away from that man she's with but in my current state I can't. what good is it going to do for me to attempt something like that when I can't even go see her with out begging a friend to go see her. we can't even go out to the lake unless I ask him for some money. I just seem like a damn loser if I was to do something like that. then there's merciful that's only thinking of himself because he's leaving. I told myself that I wouldn't him in my journal because I wouldn't want to make matters worse with his so called loved one. 'sigh' Usagi... all I wanted was her happiness... but even me rejecting my feelings from her still gives me grief. not because I used to love her but because I'm worried about her love for another... I'm stopping there. It's just not right. none of this is. I don't understand people's logic. why do humans behave the way they do. I wish I could've take psychology in high school but I missed my chanse on that as usual. How people respond to certain emotions really makes me sick. I don't want to speak too much about that either but that's enough for me to know what I was truely getting at.
I'm glad that I was able to keep all of my good friends even though all of them, well most of them, are assholes. even I at times can be considered one but of course I'm nothing compared to all of them. They've really stuck my side for all of these years and I hope that it can remain that way. but I guess what people say about life is true. it's nothing but an endless cycle. Like instead of moving forward on a straight line l feel as if I'm just going around and around on an circle. only thing about this circle, everytime I complete one full course around it, I level or evolve and go on to the next phase where the process repeats on the level is now more difficult. first elementary, then high, now college. problem is my life is just beginning. my story hasn't made it to middle chapter yet. yet I keep thinking about giving up. so many of my friends that have a good future awaiting them. I haven't even started to shape mines just yet. Rayne's in college going into a field that's destine to give him success. Jarrel, who I'll call Blaze from here on out, is in college now going into film or video games or what not. his family is constantly helping him stay on his feet so if college don't help him then he'll have people to still back him up. out of us 4, supposedly the best of friends, I'm the only one that seems to be destine for nothing ness. I can't afford college and plus the field I wanna get into might not be too sucessful. not too many artist who want to become animators actually make it. that really sucks to think about that since that's all I can dream of doing.
so here's the deal. I decided to try and get a job at UPS. I've been kinda procrastinating on it because I don't like the idea of traveling late in a far out neighboorhood that I'm going to be terrified of. but the thing is I have no choice but to accept this job and no other. it pays for college. not only that but it pays well. it'll keep me on the move and I'll be basically working out and pushing my limits everyday. that sounds like a extreme challenge. I don't want to back this opportunity down and by accepting this challenge, that may also allow my father to look at me in a different way. I don't think he believes that I can handle it. I don't think anyone thinks that I can. not even I to be honest but I must give it a try. I want to. I have to. I don't challenge myself enough at all. if I don't do this then I'll jeopordize all of my chances to do the things that I want to do. not having a job is holding me back from so much I can let it hold me back any more. also my best friends birth day is coming up. Already I feel like a burden. he wants my broke a** to tag along with him to different places. yet I'm so broke so I'll only get in the way as usual and of course I'll be reaping all of his benefits as usual. it's bad enough that I couldn't get matt the b-day gift that I promised him, keiko a b-day gift, Merciful's going away present and now Rayne' b-day gift. but that's one of the reason's why I want this job so soon. then I could pay for all of those gifts and also help my mother out. I also need to pay back Rayne for the money he used for his saved car. then there's me and him saving up to move into an apartment together. man it would've been so nice if we could live in one of those nice apartments by khats house but that's way out of our league.
now is around the time where I end my journal. I become lazy after a while and then no longer feel like typing. yeah I know, really lazy. but hell, who wants to read this mess anyways. I need to vent off some stress some times. there's no freak'n possible way that I'd ever make an entry or entries like Rayne but I guess it's because I don't think as much as him. so he says. I believe him though. on a lot of occasions, I just get tired of thinking. it becomes stressful to be constantly hit with so much logic that you either start thinking illogical or nothing at all. that's just me anyways. I hope things get better and work out for me. I really don't want to have a horrible future. but I guess as for now I will since I can't even see myself 4 years after today like everyone else. The furthest I ever see myself on most occasions is like only a month ahead. I like staying my a** in the present and treasuring my past... certain past events. my future is what I make of my present. hopefully that goes well. Man I need some sex...
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'sigh' You all amaze me at the fact that you all actually read this stuff.
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MERCIFUL
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aozora fox
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