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I used to think about death a lot. The concept of mortality scares just about everyone. There is no shame in it. It just means that you're happy with what you have now, and are afraid to lose it to get what's unknown. And that's why so many people turn to religion, to hopefully find some long lost answer and get reassurance that they are going to be alright. As I recall, you weren't that big on the God idea, just like me, so it makes it a lot harder to discover our own explanation of death abnd what if anything lies after it. I know it must sound really wierd but here's mine. But first, have you seen the movie Powder? It's a great movie and if you haven't then I highly suggest that you do. Anyways, they explored the concept tht essentially, everyone is just a ball of energy. You're energy and I'm energy. And during our 80 or so years our energy inhabits our bodies. When we die, our energy escapes. It doesn't exactly go up to heaven or down to hell or any of that. It just goes out and becomes a part of everything and everyone. And when a new life is born, it takes a small piece of this mass amount of energy that's around it and it makes it's own unique energy. And I think that that's the basis of our soul/spirit. That when we get deja vu or hear something for the first time and it hits you real deep it's because one of the many pieces of souls/spirits we're made of relates to it. That's what I think happens when we die, anyway.

And I know that you're searching for your own answer, and that there are many out there, but you gotta remember that even if there is nothing after this, you still have what you have now. You still hav your friends and you family, and the love that they've given you. and so what if you're name doesn't go down in history? So what if your life has been forgotten 100yrs. from now? It can't change what you have right now. And if there's nothing after death, no way you can KNOW if you're going to be remembered, than why does it matter that you won't be remembered forever. I doubt if Abe lincoln is having a better whatever because we remember him. But like, it helps a lot of people to deal with this issue of mortality to have children. Because a child is a part of you, and it will live longer than you should and that child, by having children of it's own, will give a part of you to that child too. And I really hope that what I've said is some consolidation, because death is scary, it scares the s**t outta a lotta people, including me, but living for the day, content with what you have and who you are, makes it all a little bit easier.

Okay okay, so I've already written a lot, but I did want to say somthing about the situation you're having with your mother. It's a very sweet and noble thing that you want to help her. And you must be really confused about moving out. Like, I felt really torn deciding whether I should live with my dad and keep an eye on him, or move out and save him money on bills and such. Well, you've got a bit more of a choice than I did. But I did realize that whether you go or stay, things will be hard. I can't help but recommend staying at home right now. Or at least until you KNOW you're financially stable. If you're income is stable enough, and you think that it's enough to cover your rent, eating, transportation, clothing, school fees, etc. etc. than moving out wouldn't be too bad. But maybe instead of paying... I dunno let's just say $400 for your share of the rent. Instead of paying $400 rent to a stranger, why not help your mom out by giving her like $250-$300 and make a savings account with the rest. And a bank account is a glorious thing. I recently opened mine, and I've got $100 overdraft. So if I'm really really poor, I can use my overdraft and pay the bank back later. Bank accounts also help you so you don't have to carry cash around on you all the time. Less of a chance of losing your money. Just don't lose that card! But like, I know there's a part of you that wants to move out and seek independence but with your new job, start up a banking account, definetly a checking and a savings if you want (but I don't have a savings account either) and start saving your money. That way when you do move out, you'll have a little emergency fund that you can always fall back on. Or even if you don't move out and something bad happens, there's a bit of a cushion for you to fall back on. But if you're having finance problems while you're still living at home, the last thing you wanna do is move out. I hope that helps.

you know to ease your fears how about this should something happen to you i'll take care of your mother. seriously i will and your little brothers and sisters. anyone older than that can ******** off cause i aint taken care of no grown *****'s. but anyway yeah i agree you might be dying soon. i mean serious that ominous feeling of death its not something to ignore, but that just means its your time seriously this is a sign for me and you, its time for me to stop tormenting you and finish you off and its time for you to die. and you being one of nemesis and all it is my duty to forffill your dying wish.

okay i'll be serious this time what i really wanted to commit on was that statement about when oyu die you fade into nothingness, do you know how sad that would be to think that all my enemies are not waitng somewhere cursing my name for all eternity. cause thats what a enemy does you kill him or he kills you and you curse his name for all eternity either in heaven or hell. i mean come on just think about all those great men who went out of there way to not only defeat there enemy but make sure that they were in the utmost state of distraught. you know like in rebirth how kalutika went out of his way to kill lilth first then kill whatever his name is(ironic how i forgot the name of teh main characther) or like berserk that was one fo the best ones ever, griffith tottaly screwed them over before killing them. a whole ******** army being killed at what wa probabaly the darkest moments in there lives there dreams destroyed there leader betrayed them that was just beautiful or like... wai tyou didnt see that anime but you get me, whenever the bad guy gos's out of his way to make sure that not only does he physcially beat them but he made sure that for all eternity that wherever he resides it will be a place forever filled with turmoil. honestly thats a very scary thing to talk about, i mean come on be considerate of that villan who gos that extra mile. and be considerate of all the children. just think of all the young evil doers. of they hear that there enemies torment ended with there life. then i asure you that for the next generation the world would be a better place. and that would be a terrible thing.