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failure
my second semester at columbia is starting to crash down to hell. I've already failed yet another class. this is my very last week of school. I've been thinking all this time just how much I'll have time to myself now and maybe even be more active on the guild but that just might change. I guess out of all my friends, I am the most depressing. I never really have a positive thought about anything and I'm always quick to down myself. me constantly failing is a discourgement to life. I don't even believe anymore that I have what it takes to apply myself to college. every class that I wanted to pass I've failed. I thought that college would be the greatest experinece in the world but I starting to fell like it's not. I want to do animation yet I have to go through all of these dumb a** classes just to take it. I need english I, Drawing I, and Foundation of 2-D animation I just so I can take animation. I seriously thought that these classes would be a breeze but I guess not. I dropped my foundations class because they asked too much of me that I couldn't offer and because I registered late, I wasn't even given the chance to really catch up so I dropped it. my drawing class was like what the ********. my teacher was black (I'm black too just to make things clear) and he talked way too deeply about art that I still don't understand. I mean seriously, he just talks too much and has this attitude about him that I don't like. not saying that he's a bad guy but I don't get inspired by him at all. I really believed that I could've made it to class today if I applied myself correctly the night before which of course didn't happen. for starters I was still sick with my unknown chest cold so I manged to get zero sleep that day nor the days before. the night I wanted to start on my work, I ended up falling a sleep early. over all I ended up doing my work in the morning thus making me so late that I missed my class. 3 absences equals an F and that was my forth. I peaked into the class room at 7:30 today to see if I could come in but he was speechless. he gave me this look that just basically said, there's nothing I can do for you. I honestly tried to pass that class but I guess I didn't put enough effort into it. Now I just don't know what to do. college was one of my life goals that I promised myself that I would alway achieve. now that I'm here, it's like what was the point of even going to college if I was just going to fail. so here I am just sitting here on my school's computer typing about my pathetic issues. waiting for 9 o clock to head back up stairs for him to tell me that I failed and there's nothing I can do about it. I guess one of my biggest issues with why I can never pass these classes is because of my home. I lack the ability to do anywork at home. I seriously just can't focue there. I can't sleep there and further more it's depressing there. I tried to distance myself from my best friend but with out him, I wouldn't have made it this far. I've come to understand that me hidding things from tends to just burden me more than anything. any time I talk to him seriously, he actually listens to what I say and then gives his smart a** coments about the situtation that really helps me a lot. I don't like depending on him but if I don't, I'll never be able to progress in life. being at home makes things just seem like time has stop and life just simply have no meaning. I love my family a lot but the issues that go on at home affects me much more than people would know. if I told my mother I failed then she'd say it was because of my going out so much and not doing work, when in reality I was going out so much so I could get work done and to focus on me. this is depressing and now I worrried about tomorrow. my labtop is busted because of that stupid windows update that put a god damn non genuine stamp on it that won't go away, so now I have to put it on safe mode whenever I want to use it. but this is pointless, why do I even bother at times... never mind. Life will always go on. there's nothing I can do about it. I made my choice to fail by not applying myself like I should've so there's no point of me getting upset.
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