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Is it possible for us to pay for our sins? I've done so much crazy s**t and I tell people all the time now to live life with no regrets and I'm starting to wonder how I can say that when I have so much of my own. I feel so torn at times, twisted on the inside. I feel like at times I'm changing and at others it feels like I'm starting to fade. I don't know what I want at times. I want to be happy and I want to be free from all this pain and all these regrets and I don't want to worry about all the goddamn what if's. I see the faces of all those hurt the ones I pushed away all the voices of the ones I threw away. What am I? I preach and I write about all the things that anger me and hurt me so, but am I becoming my own worst enemy?
I don't know at times what I should believe in.... Is there some reason for all this. For all the pain, all the anguish, the torment. I've tried and I've tried to make all this s**t just go away. I've tried to cut it out of me and watch all myself bleed myself dry, as if to purge myself of my sins. Bleed away, if I bleed for my sins does that make me Jesus christ? If I bled for you could I save you too? I've tried to drink it all away. When the depression hit I'd the bottom of the bottle. But nothing ever made it go away.
It seems like no matter what I do nothing ever changes. I'm always fighting one losing battle after the next. I wish there was something more that I could than sit by and watch my world fade to grey. Is there any hope for us the generation of regrets and mistakes. I see so much pain and so much suffering in the world around me, the broken child and the battered wife. I hear them calling out for help and see them yearning for change that never comes. I see them so I know others must too but no one ever does a goddamn thing. I don't understand how people can be so blind. If it were you and if it were me there in that situation we would be beggin for help just the same and we would expect someone to help us but still no one does anything.
I've heard it said the we hurt because it's part of god's devine plan for us. How the ******** is my pain supposed to save me? If god loved us so much that he sent his one and only son to die for us and save us from our sins why must we always hurt so badly? Maybe there is no god and maybe there is no devil, maybe there is only people who make bad choices and we have to suffer though the consequneces. If that were the case all that time spent in blind faith was all for nothing. How many of your prayers have ever been answered? I don't know if any of mine have...... I'm not saying there is no god, I'm sinmply saying I'm not sure. I would have to say I'm more agnostic than anything else, where I'm not really sure if there is a god or not but I don't deny the possibility. People often call me a athiest because of it.
So quick to judge and point the finger, point and blame it's all just another ******** game. Who's to say who's really to blame for all the s**t that goes wrong in life? Maybe I was a mistake, at times I wonder and don't see how it could any differently. Maybe I do have a purpose and maybe I'm just to blind to see through this. Maybe I'm not blind, just simply choking on my selfish pride. I don't know... So many questions yet there is never one single answer. Maybe I'm ******** up and I don't have problems, maybe it's just all in my head. I wish I knew. God, it's driving me insane. Maybe I should be more forgiving and maybe I should try to understand. Maybe I need pills and medications to fix me, maybe I'm too far gone. Am I beyond forgiveness and beyong redemption. All I can do is sit here and watch as my world slowly fades to grey.
-Dan