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Learning how to build myself again... For my sake, I decided to type this in this journal... Nobody has known this, but i keep a real life journal where I write out frustrations that really peeve me... things that ... just bother me to no end... and out of all the things and people who've i've written throughout this journal, there's one constant person who keeps popping up in that journal. ... me ... See, I don't like myself very much... I don't really like myself at all, except for those few moments where i can make others feel good about themselves, and feel happy too... and no. I didn't write this journal as a means to make a pity drive with all of you who read this. It's not fair for all of you who know me or have known me to do this. All I can say is that no matter what I do, I manage to say things I shouldn't. Not only that, but most of the time I keep making some people feel uncomfortable when I'm around. I know they probably won't say it to me... or maybe if they read this, they'll gather the courage to and either post it here and pm me, but regardless, I feel I owe an apology to everyone. No, I am not begging for forgiveness from anyone or everyone. I am merely expressing my regrets for any misconceptions you might have had/have of me. Naturally, I'm semi-sociable, and yes... I tend to make others smile at my antics. It's the only way I can live with myself. I just can't help feel I'm not fulfilling a special and very personal promise I made to myself one September morning. I'll honestly never forget that morning, because it's that day that has shaped me into who I am. I have been told I worry too much over things, and i happen to agree. I can't live without thinking of everyone I have befriended over the years and how are they faring. I know it sounds irrational, and probably goes against advice I have given a few peoples in that "you should care less of others and care more for oneself.", but what do you do when the caring for others, and striving for their happines, even if you have to sacrifice your own fills you just the same? Are you just considered crazy? I think I know the answer... You'd be considered afraid to dream. Yes, you heard me. I am afraid to dream BIG. I am afraid to dream things that others may consider incredible. Or perhaps is to let everyone know of these dreams... the things I REALLY want to do and think and say that frighten me. Maybe it's the routinely facade we use to hide ourselves every day of our lives while interacting at school, college, workplace, and even social and family meetings. We just cocoon ourselves from all that because we feel it's not what fills us with joy. Maybe I'm the only one in the whole planet who thinks that way, but I don't even consider myself that lucky, nor that special. Perhaps I'm just worrying again... and i should not mind things happening around me... Perhaps I should not mind the way people could react to some of my statements, or even most of my actions. I know I do very blatantly stupid things... and trust me, I feel remorse whenever a flashback hits me of one of my many stupid comments or actions, and the way people's faces...disfigure from a smile to a frown. It HURTS goddamnit! and the worse part of this is... no matter what i do, I can't help but wish I'd never did such a thing. I guess it's a double-edged sword to have such a good memory. I can recall things others probably would normally forget, but not me. I can remember things i wish i'd never do, as well as remember great things that fill me with joy. My problem is, as of recent I've had few and far between good things to happen to me. Or rather, few and far between good things I have done for people. I don't even know... it's like that entry i wrote for my brithday long ago... I just wish I could give back everything everyone has ever given me... even if by only an infinitesimal of what they have given me.... I feel like I have failed that, and so much more.... god... sigh ... heh... I can't even stop my tears from overflowing at all I've done and regret... it's... just... that killer. Thus the title of the entry appears clear. Even if I can't make it work, I want to.... no... I AM gonna set my mind into being even more helpful that i have to be. I know I'm bound to spread myself too thin at the very start, but I can't help feel I owe it to everyone. All I would like to say to everyone I know is... if there's anything I'd WISH you could do for yourselves is to be happy with who you are, and not with what others think of you. I don't think I have stressed this point too much in the past, thus why I feel like I'm failing at my compromises. .... well... that's all for tonight. who knows what tomorrow will bring. Let's just hope for the best and pray it just keeps getting better, even with the small bumps on each of our roads. - take care, and be safe. ^__^

Posted by: Shiro Nishida Thu Mar 03, 2005 @ 05:47am

#FrillsPayBills
please make Quetzalcoatl real.
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Art by: l2ainy Days
#Quetzalcoatl #MoonHarvest #Lukoa
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Shirt#5951

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Memai-kins
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Commented on: Thu Mar 03, 2005 @ 09:15am


	You know Shiro, you've never made me frown. NEVER. Not even once 3nodding And you don't do stupid things. Humorous, yes, but never stupid 3nodding You've always been there for everyone, even at times when you couldn't make it, you're still there, even for a fleeting moment. And I doubt you could give me back everything I've given you. Why? I'm not done giving yet. I feel I owe you more than a 'hug' or a silly picture I drew, something more. I don't know what it is yet, but I'm sure it'll be something worth my time 3nodding Perhaps when I make it big into the manga/art world, you're most definately gonna pop into my mind >w<

Commented on: Thu Mar 03, 2005 @ 10:33pm


	You're not alone in not thinking well of yourself -- most people struggle with that.. But... I don't think that there's anybody out there that could know you an be on the recieveing end of your kindness and generousity and not think the world of you. I know I do. I personally feel that making connections with people and pleasing them is what life's all about. I've yet to find anything else that truly brings me joy, and like you, I feel down whenever I'm alone and not making those connections... It's not so much a bad thing though. I mean.. it's what helps make those good moments all the more special. ^_^ hugs heart Oh.. and if there's one piece of advice I could give you, it's to not spread yourself thin... It will tire you out, and it's difficult to actually give those around you the love and attention you want and they need. I've tried to make friends with people like that (Nyome, Lili, etc.) and those friendships have pretty much failed. Those of us that care about you want all of you that we can get. I think it's much more satisfying to honor those, and those you care about by focusing on them.. PLus, they'll be able to return what you give them. Whether you'll admit it or not, you need love too.

Lull
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Kyou Yan Sohma
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Commented on: Fri Mar 04, 2005 @ 04:18am


	Well that's a quirk in your alcohol bottle. Translation: You've got a flaw in your personality. And, yes, you are too hard on yourself. I've always known this. But it seems it is beyond my power to try and help YOU feel happy. Let others give you happiness not by you giving them happiness but by them helping your day brighter. Let someone in. Let someone make you happy for once.

Commented on: Sat Mar 05, 2005 @ 03:06pm


	I didn't like myself much either. But I learned to do so cause if you don't, nobody will do it for you. You shouldn't apologize for being who you are, baka! and if you're semi-sociable, what am I? you're like 5 times more sociable than I. As long as you have sincerity and determination, you can accomplish ANY promise. Don't believe me? try it. yes you worry too much over things. And pencils are made with erasers because nobody is perfect, therefore we all make mistakes. What you do after you make the mistake is what will lead you to where you'll end. If you keep feeling horrible about it, you will never get over it and will never improve. If you learn from it, put it aside and move on you will improve. If you just stop trying when something goes wrong, what wouldve the dude who made the lightbulb be? Thomas A. Edison probably no one, and we'd be chatting thru paper messages tied to stones and thrown to other peoples houses. the wrong things done in the past are not there to hurt you, they are there to learn from them. And care for others, not LIVE for others. It's not the same. When people like other people they give without expecting anything. If your friends are REAL friends they will not want a receipt for good things they've done to you. because they've done it out of love. If you love them back be nice to them, that is all you need to do. Friends are not making you a FAVOR by being nice to you, they do it because they feel the satisfaction in doing so, that is the reward they get, so you really don't owe them anything. I'll try to be happy with who I am, and not with what others think of me. but Im gonna TRY, so don't expect much, it is hard enough as it is.

Ryuuhou
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Shiro Nishida
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Commented on: Wed Mar 09, 2005 @ 03:49pm


	sweatdrop Thank you all for your awesome comments. ^__^ heart You all rock! (but you guys already knew that. so xp xd )

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