Well... I'm not really good at doing these kind of things but after a hellish week with cried tears, mixed emotions, realizations, and even praying... I have come to cope with alot of things that make me... me. Things I always saw, but thought that they were not flaws... to a certain degree.
And so... here we begin. sweatdrop ._.;
About a week from tonight, I was randomly feeling depressed, and talking to people, seeing if I could find something i could help with... even after re-reading my last entry in this journal. As fate, chance, or whatever powers that be would have it, the answer i was searching for... the answer as to why did I preocupy so much about people within my reach and even those who knew me, became clear... here's the phrase that unleashed my whole realization of the real me.
Quote:
^^; its the worrying that makes me feel safer actually
That sentence up there, could easily explain what I wrote in my earlier entry, as I couldn't see it myself. And upon further inspection of how I am with everyone... I managed to understand one thing... something that pains me a lot.
in one way or another... I feel I have used you all, in order to make me feel safe.
Now tell me... isn't that horrible? I felt that resolution shake up my entire existence. I felt horrible. I felt like a total hypocrite... and moreover... I felt like I had done the exact opposite of what I promised myself to do on that September morning all those many years ago. And for the first time... I shall tell you all the story of how I came to this oath i keep so sacred to me.
When I was in 5th Grade, I met the person you'd only meet once in a lifetime. A true best friend. He and I spent all of fifth and sixth grade together doing just about everything... except visit each other outside of school. When he first started, he was a loner, but as time went by, him and I got to know each other very well. It got to the point where we were... nearly inseparable. Then came 7th Grade... and that's when it happened. One afternoon we proposed to each other to go to his house... and he had already talked to his dad about it too... so we were all set to do this on the next day of class. It was a Tuesday. The next morning, I had even forgot to even eat my breakfast out of the emotion... yeah... I was that crazy. So... first period begins and in comes our homeroom teacher crying like there was no tomorrow.... only minutes later to give us the news. My friend had died.
Apparently he died in his sleep, due to a pulmonary collapse. Yeah... I went into a state of shock then and there... I do however, remember the girls in my class, crying over this... and some of the guys going "oh man" and just shaking their heads in disbelief. sweatdrop .... I can vaguely remember what I did for that week, except for feeling a sense of guilt that was unbearable... trying to hang myself and fortunately failing... and coming to terms with myself over this whole incident.
Also during that week I missed his funeral. I felt sick about myself about it and... I knew I wouldn't be strong enough to face his family without breaking myself. One week later, on the 24th of september... as I looked onto his vacant seat... I coudln't help but feel I needed to do something for him, or rather for his memories' sake...
Thus on that morning, I decided to care even more of my friends... I promised myself to be wary of them and to do anything for whomever had earned the right to be called my "friend" ... I promised to myself that I wouldn't let down the people that trusted in me. I promised that i would care, just like he did care. And ever since then... I've been the person you've always met and talked to. ^_^;;;
Yet, there was a point in my life where I asked myself, WHY do i have so many friends? ... Why is it the more I try to push myself to excel for them, the farther waya they seem to be from me? It was this past week in which I learned the answer... and to be honest, I felt sick to my stomach. To believe such an earnest promise turn out this way... it basically made my whole world crumble....
And so... I ask of all who read my Journal... of those who talk to me, as well as know me... I bid you all my apologies for doing such a thing as "using" you ... It was pretty hard for me to understand that by trying to help, I could have inadvertedly made things worse... and in that sense, as well as many others, I bid my apologies to you all. ^^;
This is the real me. A man who had no ambitions for himself other than that of living for others instead of himself. A man with no goals in his life except to make everyone happy. With the only reward as to feel safe. Personally as happy go lucky as that sounds, it's pathetic... and what's even worse.. It's almost as a part I created to fill in a void people expected me to fill... and without question or motive, I decided to fill. I have truly found just how meek and weak I am. I'm not as great and as powerful as some of you might have touted me to be. I can't even phathom how some of you might feel now... learning the truth.
All I know is, its better you would have found out now, than for me to keep straining the remaining friendships i have forged. I am honestly sorry if you feel deceived, and even more so... I feel you should have known this sooner. So, whichever your desicion may be in regards to me... be it to take me out of your messenger services / out of your friendslists / and to stay away as far possible from me... do so. I know I would... But for those of you who do wish to remain, I have this to tell you:
I now can honestly look at myself and not hate me for who I am, nor for who I was... and can only work towards making myself care for me, and be a little more selfish in that aspect. This doesn't mean I'll stop caring altogether... it only means I won't live for others, and finally live for me. Live for my own thoughts and ideals. and care just the same about my friends. From here on out, I feel changed throughout this process this past week. I feel drained... and I feel...relieved in one way or another...
you could even say this entry could either build stronger bridges, or even burn them altogether... but whatever happens, I know that for me it's only the beggining... let's see and hope for what the future will hold for us all. ^_^
Best Regards ...
___________________________________- Shiro Harukaze
Community Member
And Shiro, I've never felt the sense that you were using me. Instead, I thought of you as a wonderful guy willing to look for his friends, even if they are behind a bunch of chibified pixels.
Actually, when I read the part that you were 'using' others, I thought you were merely joking. And you know what...I still think that you are a good friend to me, to others 3nodding
*hugs* I still luff you as a friend, though. whee