She walked alone on the beach. The sun was setting and there wasn’t a soul around. Not even the wind was there to accompany her with it’s whispered secrets. Nope. She was completely alone. She picked up a small rock and threw it into the ocean. Its splash was strangely muted. She sighed and walked on. She was worried, as she always was in situations like this. After delivering a bit of bad news(over a text, of course), she became worried when he didn’t respond with the usual love and hearts that he does when he tells her goodbye. That was why she was on the beach now, ipod in her pocket, and cell phone set to vibrate should he text her. She hoped he would. She got to a small hill of piled boulders and rocks. She climbed up to her usual spot where she’d be hidden from sight on all sides. It was also a nice spot because it provided a spot of shade for all times of day, spots of sunlight for cooler days, and it blocked the wind. Not that she needed any of those now. She just needed a place to hide for a bit.
She hated how needy she was.
She always needed validation. That’s how pathetic she felt. She wears a good mask, one of self confidence and lighthearted joy. If ever something is the matter, up comes the mask. It’s usually always half on, no matter what’s happening. She can only let herself be free of it when she is alone, when she won’t hurt someone.
Yep, she was constantly causing him pain. She was always bringing new worries, new concerns, and her low self confidence and feeling of self worth never helped. She was always afraid of doing something wrong. She didn’t mind this feeling though, she was only afraid of hurting him. Now, she was afraid she had done it again. Only because she always jumps to conclusions that something’s wrong, that she did something wrong, when she doesn’t get the validation, the certainty of the words. She believes he loves her, of course she does, she knows he loves her more than anything, and yet… she always feels as if she’s not worth it, as if she wouldn’t blame him for retracting it quick as the snapping of a twig. Snap her heart, she won’t blame him. She’s not worth keeping whole.
So now, these thoughts running through her head, she looks at her phone. The world is silent, and she hopes that maybe a vibration from this small device will break the silence. This doesn’t happen, however. It remains silent, and the silent defeans her ears more than the silence of the world does. She stares at her phone for a couple more seconds, then gets off the rocks and heads home, checking the phone every minute or so, despite it being on vibrate. Still no text.
The next day she sees him, and everything is happy again, and yesterday is one of her secrets that she keeps locked in her heart. He can sense something’s wrong, but after she assures him that everything’s alright and flashes him the smile that is only an accessory of the mask, he is satisfied. All goes on as if nothing ever happened. She still worries though, she worries…
Am I worth it?
Would he be happier with someone else?
- Title: Silence
- Artist: Shico-luvly
- Description: The silence is deafening, and she's not worth any of it.
- Date: 05/29/2009
- Tags: silence