• Dear Sandra,

    First of all, I just want to say that I am one of your biggest fans. Well, I actually only weigh 128 and a half pounds, but you know what I mean. My doctor says I weigh 220, but I know that's not possible because my mom says I have the slender figure of a gazelle.

    Speaking of my mom, I discovered recently that you and her share a birthday. The same day, the same month, the same year. Don't tell my mom this, but you actually look about 10 years younger. So really, you don't even look like the old bat you are.

    I thought that, to celebrate this new discovery, as well as both yours and my mother's birthdays, we could have a conjoined party at my house this weekend. I know my mom is also a huge fan of yours, and she would be delighted. Also, I already spent all my money on an Xbox, so I don't have any money for a present. You were my last resort.

    So, with the conclusion of this letter, I once again ask that you use the return address on this letter to find my house. BYOB.

    -John

    P.S. I'm writing your name on the cake. I think your birthday is more important than my mother's. Please enjoy it.
    ---------------------

    Dear Sandra,

    I'm sure you must have forgotten about the party, considering your absence, but you didn't miss much. In fact, all hell broke loose yesterday. I wrote "Happy Birthday, Sandra!" on the birthday cake, which didn't go over so well with my mom, especially since you weren't there.

    I told her I thought that you would be coming, but she only got even more angry and starting raging out and calling my entire family "The worst son on the face of the earth. Yes, you John." I mean, sure, it was all my sister's fault, but my mother didn't have to scream at her like that. I almost felt bad for the poor brute.

    To make a long story short, my mother kicked me out. Apparently age 30 is "much too old to be living with your mother" or some rubbish like that. Crazy old woman. It's off to the nursing home with her when she gets to that age. I hope I'm still in the will.

    -John

    ---------------------

    Dear Sandra,

    You have ruined my life. Remember how I said I was your biggest fan? Well, I changed my mind. I'm now your littlest fan. ever. That's right, even smaller than Ryan Reynolds in your new movie, The Proposal. That's right, I know his little secret.

    I would like to announce that this will be my last letter. Not only am I so furious that I can no longer speak to you, but I also can not afford paper or pencil anymore. What I write to you now is scrawled onto the back of a concert poster that fell off of a lamp-post and a pen I borrowed from a passing hobo.

    So long, Sandra. I hope your life turns out even more horribler than mine.

    Your littlest fan,

    -John