• My Best Friend

    What she went through, most people could never imagine. Sometimes the strongest people are the ones you would never expect. I would never have pictured myself sitting in a hospital waiting room while my friend lay in a strange bed dying. All I could do was sit and stare into space, my thoughts swirling around in my brain like an ominous fog. I don’t understand this disease she has, I don’t know if I ever really will. But what I do know is that there’s a reason Amie is my best friend. She’s stronger than any person I’ve ever met, and throughout everything that’s happened so far, she’s maintained her positive outlook on life. She’s strong-willed. And I know that like everything else, she’ll get her way in the end and pull through this.
    One day I went to visit Amie. I got to her room and found her looking out her one little window.
    “Every day I look out the window and I see all of the beautiful things outside. All I want now is to be able to go outside one last time and just lay under the sun,” She said.
    I was at a loss for what to say to her. I really didn’t like hearing her talk about things as if she would never do them again. It hurt too much. All I wanted to do was take her pain away, but I knew that I couldn’t. I looked over towards her and just watched. Her eyes had dark circles around them, and the hat she wore was sliding off the back of her head. Amie used to have such beautiful hair. She was a rare red-head as I used to call her. It was perfectly straight, and came clear down to the middle of her back. I used to envy her hair, the way it shined and how it looked so pretty in the summer sunlight. Now I just feel ashamed of myself for ever wishing I could have her hair. I feel as if I took it away from her somehow. I wished I could have it, and now none of us can.
    “What?” She asked me, noticing my stare.
    “Nothing. I was just admiring how pretty you are.”
    “Oh sure, I’m America’s Next Top Model!”
    “Hey, you never know. You get all kinds of survivors on reality T.V. You could be the next!” I said with a laugh.
    A small smile crept onto her face, pulling at her thin skin.



    Our plans were to go to college together and be roommates. We were going to join the same clubs, be in the same activities. I refuse to change my college plans. I’m not going to confront her condition in the face unless I absolutely have to. I have faith that she’ll pull through this. She has to. If she left, she’d be leaving so much behind, including me. And I know that she’s not someone who would just give up like that.
    Amie’s always been healthy, she hardly ever got sick. But one day I noticed this deep purple bruise on her leg.
    “What happened to your leg?” I asked.
    “Oh this? It’s nothing really. I don’t even remember doing it. It looks pretty bad huh?”
    She said that it didn’t hurt, but it looked so horrible and it didn’t go away for about a month. Even then it wasn’t fully gone. She just blew it off as if it wasn’t even there. Later on, about another month later, she developed an infection. She stayed in bed for a couple of days, just taking time to relax so that it wouldn’t develop into anything severe. It seemed to tease her, lure her into thinking that it was gone. But as soon as Amie would get back on her feet, another infection would set in. She became very pale, and was tired all the time.
    “I’m sure it’s just from being sick a lot lately. Once I get going again, you’ll never even know that I was sick.” She assured me one day.
    I was becoming very worried about her. She drug herself around as if she only had the energy to breathe. I insisted that she at least go to the doctor, but she wouldn’t hear it.
    “I’ve been healthy all of my life. I doubt that anything serious would just hit me one day out of nowhere.”
    After a while I just bit my tongue. I began to develop a nasty habit of biting my lower lip. It was a small way I could secretly cause myself pain, so that way Amie wouldn’t be the only one silently suffering. My lip became very red and raw, and it stuck out like a festering sore on my face. It hurt like crazy, but I continued to do it anyway.
    She couldn’t afford to miss any more school, so she decided to tough it out and give it a try. The first day she was back at school, I left her to go talk to a teacher about a late assignment I wanted to turn in. The two of us were usually inseparable. I didn’t think anything of leaving her this one time. I was talking to my teacher, when another student ran in, choking on his words.
    “Amie! She…she…something happened! There’s blood, it’s all over her face! Someone needs to call an ambulance!”
    I didn’t need to think twice about what to do. The teacher had already flipped out his cell phone from his pocket and was dialing 911. I bolted out of the classroom but didn’t have to go far. A huge mass of students were jammed into the tiny hallway around what I knew was Amie. She must have been heading towards where I was to wait for me. I pushed my way through the crowd and saw her unconscious on the floor, a teacher bending over her. It was almost like a scene from a horror movie. She was just laying there, her face to the floor. Her body was in a strange, unnatural position, her left arm outstretched in front of her and her right twisted up behind her back. When a teacher moved her over onto her back, you could see blood on her face already starting to dry. It was coming from her nose.
    Time couldn’t have gone any slower. It seemed as if years had passed between the phone call and the paramedics actually showing up to whisk away my friend. I couldn’t believe this was happening. The one time I leave her alone something awful happens. I knew she was sick, but I didn’t realize that she was this sick. I told them who I was and they actually let me on the ambulance. Well, I may have lied and told them I was her sister, but that doesn’t matter, we may as well be.



    Acute lymphocytic leukemia, or ALL for short. That’s what she had. Once the doctor explained everything, all the stuff that had been going on with Amie made perfect sense; the unexplained bruises, the exhaustion, her pale complexion, everything. I didn’t want to hear any more of it. I couldn’t. I couldn’t even make myself go into her room. Not even after it had been a week. I walked up the hospital corridor and walked right past her room. I looked up at the bright fluorescent lights and thought about what a beautiful day it was outside. It seemed cruel for something like this to happen to Amie, especially on a day like this.
    I continued walking. All of the nurses and doctors hurrying about trying to get where they are going as fast as hallway traffic allows. My mission was to find the cafeteria. I located the gray sign at the end of the hallway where it splits off to go either left or right. Why is it that hospitals are always so dreary? Grays, blacks, white, pretty much any boring, deep color you could imagine. It’s depressing. Even if the hallways were painted sunshine yellow with pink flowers on them or something I think I would still feel depressed anyway.
    The cafeteria was to the left, so I turned and headed in that direction. It was strange. It was as if I was the one that was sick. Or like someone I knew just died. Everyone was giving me this look that said, “poor baby” or “what a shame.” I bowed my head down and kept walking until I could smell the food. I didn’t want to eat; I just wanted the nice change of atmosphere. Everyone in here seemed happy enough. It wasn’t like the waiting rooms where everyone sat in silence with the look of death on their faces. At least in here they faked being happy.
    After the first week passed, I began to think about how selfish I was being. I can’t believe I left Amie hanging like that when she needed me more than anything. It feels like I was always the one needing her. Amie hardly ever needed me. Whenever things got tough for me, with school or life, she was always there to comfort me and to offer me her advice. We had our secret place, an old willow tree in a field that was on the other side of the river outside of town. We would always walk there, rain or shine. Many summer afternoons were spent under that tree, laughing and eating our lunches. I always felt closer to Amie when we sat there. It was the perfect tree to climb, it’s big, gnarled branches stretching to the sky. I always liked to imagine the tree with a personality, that the tree stretched its’ wooden arms to the heavens, as if reaching for something. I never could figure out for what though.
    I returned to our tree that evening, around twilight. I rode my bike there instead of driving like we used to. Once the gravel road turned into the bridge over the river, I got off of my bike and continued the rest of the way on foot. I wasn’t concerned with anyone stealing my bike. No one else ever comes around here. I stopped on the bridge for a second to peer over the edge, the river’s water rushing away from me.
    “I wonder why the water is in such a hurry all the time.” I thought out loud.
    I continued onward over the bridge. The reason that no one ever came down here is because the road doesn’t continue on once the bridge stops. For some reason or another, the rest of the road was never completed. On the other side of the bridge was the beautiful field with my lovely tree. It’s huge form looming directly in front of me. I could always count on it to bring me and Amie together. If only she could be here with me now. I walked up to the tree and placed my hand on its’ bark, feeling all of the cracks and holes. I wrapped my arms around my tree as best as I could and closed my eyes. The evening summer breeze blowing through my hair, I could feel almost at peace here, a single tear running down my cheek. I let go and looked up at the closest branch to me. I reached up and broke off a small twig. If Amie isn’t able to come to the tree, I’ll bring a little piece of the tree to her. Maybe it will comfort her, if only a little.
    To treat ALL, chemotherapy has to be started right away. That must have been completely terrifying for her. Amie’s demeanor is quiet and reserved. She’s such a sweet girl and she’s always been nice to everybody she meets. Why do bad things always happen to the best people?
    The next day I headed over to the hospital after school to finally see Amie. I checked in at the desk and made my way over to her room. I didn’t bring her anything but the twig from our tree. She wasn’t the type of girl that liked getting flowers or balloons anyway. My hand on the door handle, my mind began to rush with all these different thoughts of what was going to happen. Would she be mad at me for not coming sooner? Or maybe she wouldn’t care. More than anything I didn’t want to see her sad. I took a deep breath and opened her door.
    I was surprised to find her alone. Her mom must have left to sleep or something for a while. She was awake and looking right at me when I opened the door. Her face lit up and it looked like she wasn’t even sick at all.
    “I wondered if you were ever going to come in. I could see your shadow outside the glass on the door.” She said.
    I hadn’t thought about that. I wonder what she was thinking, watching my shadow figure like a ghost standing outside her door.
    “I’m sorry, I was just thinking for a second.”
    She just nodded her head, not needed to vocalize that she understood what I was trying to say. She didn’t take offense, she simply patted the bed and told me to come and sit with her. As I got closer to her, I realized how sick she really did look. Her skin was pale white, like a ghost and she looked like she hadn’t slept the entire time.
    “I’ve been so bored here. I really missed you.” She said.
    “I’m really sorry. I have no idea what came over me. I was just scared I guess, which thinking about it now, seems really stupid. You should be scared more than anyone.” I replied, not really wanting to make eye contact, I was scared of what I would see.
    “I’m not scared. I know that what I have could kill me, but I know in my heart that I’ve been the best person that I could possibly be. I don’t know for sure where we go when we die, but I’d like to think it’s somewhere nice.”
    “You’re not going to die.” I said with certainty.
    Her arm reached out to me, the cord from her I.V. hanging down. Her hand found my chin and she lifted my face up to meet her gaze. Her face was so warm and friendly, her smile even reaching her eyes.
    “It’s going to be okay, really it is. I may be getting sick a lot because of the chemo, but for now my spirits are still high and I want to take advantage of that.”
    I reached over to the box of Kleenex’s sitting on her nightstand and wiped my eyes and face.
    “I’m sorry. I just, I don’t really understand this disease or why you got it or anything. It scares me to think of going through my life without you in it to help me through.” I sniffed my way through my words.
    I opened my hands to show her the tiny branch of our tree that I had brought for her. There were three little, green leaves on it and it was beautiful.
    “I know that you can’t go to our tree with me right now, so I thought maybe I could bring a little piece of it to you. You know, to look at if you feel down. If you ever feel sad or upset, you can look at it and think of me and all the adventures we’ve had so far under that tree and in that field. If this room needs one thing, it’s something that’s familiar. That way you won’t feel so alone or scared while you’re here.”
    Amie’s face broke out in what I’d have to say was the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. Small tears welled up in her eyes and spilled over. She was the only person I knew who could cry and still look pretty.
    “Mia…that is the most thoughtful thing anyone could have done. It means so much to me. I…I couldn’t ask for a better friend. It’s people like you, that make me want to get through this all that much more. I want to be able to help people. I want to show them how great life is. All the small things in the world, like plants and animals, sometimes people look over these things. And then they wonder why they’re not happy. But it’s because their lives are centered on the wrong things. I’d like to think that I understand what’s important in life, that I have that ability to understand and to show people what true joy is.”


    After the first month or so, the next round of chemotherapy for Jane was going to start. The first didn’t get rid of all of the leukemic cells. This method seemed so awful. It involved putting a catheter in a vein in her upper chest. It sounded so painful I don’t know how she endured it so strongly. I went to visit her about three days after the catheter was inserted. On the way there I ran into her mother.
    “Mia I don’t think it’s a good idea to visit Amie today. She’s really down and she’s having trouble keeping any food down. She didn’t even want to see me this morning.”
    She looked so tired. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have your only child in the hospital for such a long time. She looks as though she’s been through a war. I feel so bad for her.
    “Okay, I’ll just go sit in the waiting room or something, so at least I’m here. I’d feel weird just going home.” I said.
    She just looked at me with her sad eyes and nodded her head. I started walking the other way, the cafeteria being my goal once again, but I was stopped half way into my turn by two arms pulling me in for the most emotional embrace I have ever experienced. Amie’s mother buried her face in my hair and wept. I wasn’t really sure what to do at first, but Amie’s mom was like a second mom to me. I was around her as much as my own mother. I just put my arm around her tiny waist and held her while she cried. She stroked my hair, little gasping noises escaping her lips. I know now where Amie’s internal strength came from. Her mother had held strong for so long, but she had finally broken down. With Amie’s father gone, dead for twelve years now, her mother was all alone in this fight. She finally let go and I noticed there were tears running down my cheeks as well. She held my face in her hands and wiped away my tears.
    “You are the best friend Amie could have ever asked for. I’m so glad that she has you in her life. Through everything in life you’ve been there for her; her father’s death, and now this. I just want to thank you for everything. You’re like a second daughter to me.”
    With that she patted my head and headed towards the waiting room, most likely to wait for Amie’s spirits to lift a bit before trying to go back in.
    Sitting in the cafeteria, I began thinking about everything. Amie’s words from the first day I visited her came back into my mind. She had mentioned that she didn’t know where we went when we died. I never thought that I’d have to think about something like that for real. It didn’t bother me too much to think about it in Amie’s case. Whenever it was that she died, I knew that she would go someplace wonderful. She’s the most deserving person I know. No one has a more beautiful soul than her.
    I got up and decided to at least try and see Amie before I went home for the night. I headed back down that dreary gray hallway towards her room. I reached her door and prepared myself. I opened her door to find only a fragment of the girl I used to know. Her hair was gone. She didn’t even bother wearing a hat like she did at first. Her body was swelled from the chemotherapy. Her eyes were closed and her head was tilted away from me.
    “Go away. I don’t feel like seeing anyone today.” She said.
    It was so hard to see her like this, I couldn’t help but cry.
    “Come on Jane. You…you’re going to be okay, I know it. You have to be. We’re going to go to college together remember? It’s going to be just you and me, out against the world together.” I was desperate.
    She didn’t move, and I just sat there and watched her breathe, her chest slowly rising up and down, the catheter visible through her robes. She turned her face in my direction finally, and I noticed that her face was wet with tears.
    “I’m scared Mia. I know I said that I wasn’t before, but I am now. Everything is so much darker today and it scares me. I don’t know what’s going on. Can you hold my hand please? I need to feel that there’s someone here with me.”
    I don’t understand what’s going on. Should I call a doctor in here?
    “Amie, you need the doctor to come and see you. Something’s not right.” I said.
    She weakly shook her head. She grasped my hand with both of her hands now and looked at me with her beautiful eyes. The thing that scared me was that they were facing towards me, but they were definitely not looking at me. She really couldn’t see. That was definitely not right. By now I had lost all control of myself and was beginning to weep.
    “Amie, please. Let me call the doctor in here. Maybe your medication needs bumped up or something. Anything is worth trying.” I pleaded with her.
    “There’s nothing they can do for me now. I can feel it.”
    She closed her now-distant eyes and smiled her fragile smile that I loved so much.
    “I see such a beautiful place. You remember that big oak tree we used to play under Mia? I loved that tree. It was my favorite place. Out of everywhere in the world, I would most like to go there now. What would make it perfect is if I went there with you. You’re my best friend. You’ve stuck with me through everything that’s happened in my life. You’re the one stable thing I could rely on. You’re a great person Mia and I know you’ll be strong after this is done. Please don’t forget me.”
    “Oh Amie how could I ever forget you? Through all of these years I’ve watched and admired you for your strength and beauty. I don’t know how I could have ever made it this far without you. I don’t know if I can keep going if you leave me here. You can’t leave me here all alone!”
    The smile was still on her face, the tears still running down her cheeks.
    “I’m glad it was you who was here with me. I’m not scared anymore.” She said.
    The grip on her hands began to loosen, and my mind became increasingly blank.
    “Thank you so much Mia. I love you.”
    Her smile softened and her hands let go of mine completely. What air was left in her lungs came rushing out and she was still. My mind shut down. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t hear. No part of my functioned anymore. A part of my own soul had just died and I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. A voiceless scream escaped my lips. I curled up closer to her on her bed and buried my face in her neck and wept.


    A year later and I’m still learning how to cope. For a few months after Amie’s death, every breath I took hurt. I could feel the whole in my heart as if it had just been punched through me. There was no comfort for me anywhere. I know that this isn’t the way that she would have wanted me to act, but I couldn’t help it. Everything felt so much colder without her around. There’s a collage up in my room that has pictures of me and her on it from throughout the years. It’s now one of my most prized possessions. Whenever I’m feeling really down or depressed I know that I can just look up at our pictures and smile for all the great times we had together. I love my best friend, my sister. Her memory lives on with me every day of my life.
    I made a memorial to Amie underneath our oak tree. I made a duplicate of the collage in my room and set it under there. I even took a knife and carved both of our names into the tree. I thought that would be something Amie would like. That way, we will always be together in spirit. After someone close to you dies, you think more clearly about what happens to a person when they go. For me, I find comfort in thinking that parts of Amie are everywhere. I feel her when I go visit our tree, and when a warm breeze blows through. All around me I can feel her. I finally got to a point in my life where I don’t feel as sad about it. Although Amie’s body may be gone, her spirit lives on with me and keeps me company. I realize now she’s always been my guardian angel, both while she was here with me and now that she really is one. I’ve found peace, knowing that wherever I go or whatever I do, Amie will still be there every step of the way to guide me and to comfort me.