I was confused. It was as simple as that. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know if I was ready. Options swirled all around me, everyone telling me what to do. I had made a mistake, and I was doing my best to think carefully, so as not to make another. It was so hard though, with the pressure of everyone I knew, and the criticism of everyone I didn't know. There would be people who didn't understand me either way. I tried to think, but I couldn't hear my own thoughts over everyone else's.
I made my decision, a split second decision. Yes or no, I would or I wouldn't. I couldn't hold off, it was wrong. The decision had to be made. Keep life the way it always had been, but lose people I cared about, or change my life forever, and lose people that I cared about. Either way, I had to lose something. But I didn't want to. I wanted it all. I wanted to change my life forever but keep my friends. But I wanted a future I could be proud of. I wanted it all, but I couldn't have it all. It didn't feel fair to me. One mistake, and the punishment would cost me so much.
I thought of the outcomes. Who I would lose, who I would keep, and what life I would live. I thought hard, but not long. I didn't have long to choose. I made my decision, and it happened.
There are times when I wish I had thought just a little longer; just a little harder. That decision may have been the worst one of my life. The emotional turmoil that raged inside told me I couldn't have made a more ignorant choice. The world around me flourished with what I chose not to have. People who wanted it as badly as myself, and people who had it. The people who had it didn't hide their happiness. It was their pride and joy.
It could have been mine. It should have been mine.
To this day I think about what it would have been like if I had choosen differently. The sacrifices I would have made would have been quickly replaced by rewards. I may have been young, and I may not have been the most responsible person, but I could have done it. I could have handled it. I'll never regret anything more than the day I killed my own child before it had a chance to show me what I would miss.
I'm sorry, but don't forgive me.
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