So of course I have those two issues to deal with now. whether or not I deserve happiness or if I'm a caring person. Then there's my belief in existentialism, which a lot people think is rather depressing. for all of you that don't know the meaning of existentialism its definition is the 20th-century philosophical movement that denies that the universe has any intrinsic/essential meaning or purpose and requires individuals to take responsibility for their own actions and shape their own destinies. now is that really that bad? dying and having your whole existance being erased...
Anyhow, I've been bothered by these two issues of happiness and caring recently. first of all, with the whole happiness situations, I say that I don't deserve it because of my problem with keiko (ex g/f now). She was with her new b/f for a few weeks now and I've been happy for her because I thought that she was happy with him and that he was treating her better than I was. but I guess I was wrong. she still wasn't happy. she still wanted to be with me. she stil lthinks about me. and the thought of not being with me anymore, I think kinda caused her to become even more depressed than before. Last I believe thursday night, she cut herself again. but this time it was a large gash in her arm. larger than any of the other cuts she's ever put on her arm. it was horrible and yet I really wasn't paying attention to it. Rayne went over there and talked to her since them two are always close which is rather annoying to me, personally. he was asking her about why she was so down and of course she wasn't even fully telling him the truth. she tried to be normal about it but of course none of us could take it lightly. she let us read a note that she wrote which was kinda like a poem. well actually I was the last to read it because she hates letting me know her personally thoughts because she feels as if she's being ignored. sadly enough, she's the only one that feels as if they're being ignored when they talk to me about their personal issues. After Rayne read the letter, he pushed it back to her and siad he didn't understand and that it was too confusing. she laughed but it was a really sad one. I asked for the letter so that I can read it. she hesitated a bit and then gave it to me. it was so sad. all of it was about how the way she stil lthinks about me and how the way she can't be around me and now she doesn't know what to do especially about her feelings. I felt so horrible inside because I caused her to start cutting herself again. I smiled and handed it back to her saying "well ya know, do I always have to hi to you first in order for you to respond to me?" she smiled back and said "hi" and then I told her "thank you, now that wasn't so bad"... Later that day, she was taken away. they took her back to the hospital and now she has to stay there for 3 whole months. that means she's proabaly gonna come back even worse than before. it was bad enough that she could only be happy if she takes her medicine but now shes' going to be stuck on happy drugs. Also, the prom that I've been thinking about since last year is going to be depressing because now I don't have a prom date. I didn't want to go with anyone else but her and although we weren't together anymore, she still agreed to go to prom with me. Guess that's not going to happen. it's really sad that because of me she couldn't stop cutting herself and so now everytime I try to make myself happy, I get all depressed because I start thinking about her and how the way she is locked up and can no longer enjoy life because of me. it's sad and although Glass said that I should really stop beating myself up about this, it's really hard not to.
(I'm not good with typing around a crowd of people like this so I'm gonna have to finish this later.) sweatdrop
(the next day)
now it's time for me to get on that subject of caring. So do I care? I mean I always thought I did until my recent conversation with my friend jarrel. I never thought of myself as the none caring type but he insisted that I was. he said that all I ever cared about was things that revolved around me and anime. if it's not related to those two things then I wouldn't give a care about it. I told that wasn't true but the things he kept pointing out just made me think to myself "do I really only care about myself". it was really depressing to hear that from him and of course I kept telling myself that he doesn't understand and how would he know. he said that I didn't care for keiko when she was in the hospital and I told him that wasn't true. I told him the reason for not calling her was personal and he just responded "right" very sarcasticly. I really do care about her but it was just really hard for me to speak to her especially if she was going to keep threatening me and talking about how much things was my fault, and how I make her think negative thoughts. He didn't understand but when she came back and I just accepted her having a new b/f behind my back, I just kept thinking to myself "she's young any ways and so is he, besides she's happy now... right?". It's true that it's hard for me to talk to people without thinking about anime or gaia but I honstly didn't think of myself as none caring. I tried talking to Usagi about my problem and she said that I was caring. I don't know, I didn't accept when she first told me because then I told her how much I don't do things that a caring person do like, ask my friends how are they, or hows their day been or discuss anything of their interest. she told me that the fact that I think about those things mean that I care. I was starting to feel a little bit better until one night when I spoke to Jarrel. I just finished watching the 1:30am Champloo and was getting ready for bed until I got a call from him. I was telling him that it is way too late for phone calls and that I was ready to go to sleep. he brought up the movie kung fu hustle and thats when it all happened....
( getting kicked out of the lab. finish tomorrow )
He was shocked and asked "you went to go see that movie? when? you actually went by yourself?" I told him that I went with...
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'sigh' You all amaze me at the fact that you all actually read this stuff.
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