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Suicide is Laughable
In emergencies
I close my eyes
And i see a ghost
I flutter to the light
And pray for lucidity

I can't keep waiting for you
I can't keep expecting you

The sun is turning inside-out of the universe so cupid cupid
Please aim your arrow at my sleeping flower
One time
Cupid cupid
I, won't take it for granted

I wonder about
With my perfume puff
Skipping on the trails
Of broken candy cane

I can't keep waiting for you
I can't keep expecting you

The sun is turning inside-out of the universe so
Cupid cupid
Please aim your arrow at my sleeping flower
One time
Cupid cupid

I can't keep waiting for you
I can't keep expecting you

I can't keep waiting for you
I can't keep expecting you

I'm getting pretty tired of people being dicks (LOL I KNOW-- hypocrite).
No but I mean.
People are never happy with their lives (Lol more hypocrisy).

I wanted to take a moment to talk about suicide again. I don't think I've talked about it. Maybe I did. I dunno, whatever. I think it was a private entry.

Anyways, tl;dr I tried to kill myself 4srs right before I went into boot camp, and that's why I had "quit gaia" for a few months before then, and gave all my items away and stuff. I think I may have referenced it in my journal as a break or a hiatus because of "personal problems". (Yeah, the time when I went away on that 'secret mule' for a while? that was a few weeks before I decided for sure I wanted to off myself).

Without going into too much detail over it, the subject of life seems to be coming up a lot in conversations these days, and I always relate it to my suicide attempt.
I thought for a long time I'd just never talk about my suicidality because, well, I always thought suicidals were stupid.
Not they were stupid for committing suicide-- my opinion was and still is if you want to do it, go ahead and do it (just make sure it's what you want). But that they were just stupid assholes in general, who didn't really deserve to be here.

I mean, pretty much all the suicidals I've ever met thought they were the best at everything and I didn't fit into their exclusive emo club because I hadn't been to a mental hospital or someshit. Yeah, I pretty much wished they'd hurry up and off themselves correctly at that point. rolleyes

ANYWAY, I figured I'd be better than them. Even when I was suicidal all the time(And I pretty much thought about killing myself at least once a week for four years) I still put in the effort to try and better myself. I didn't think life was really worth living, but I figured while I was here I may as well try to make friends. But in order to make/keep friends I had to get a ******** better attitude, because friends don't treat friends like trash, and that's what I did.

I mean I know I was very slow in progressing but I HAVE progressed and I HAVE moved forward, and it's only because I put forth that effort to TRY and make myself a better person, even when I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you know what I mean?

So it pisses me off that people who don't even have a seemingly hopeless situation like mine don't put forth the effort to not complain about every damn thing to everyone.
Makes me ******** sick. =_=

So even though I had all these people giving me advice about how to not be suicidal and how to try and appreciate life. I was listening, but I wasn't learning. And finally, I go and try to off myself for real. Couldn't take it any damn more, and then I failed. Miserably. It was actually comical.
I get in the car after plugging the exhaust pipe and closing the garage door, and I turn up the heat and sit and wait, while I'm on the phone with a friend named Justin crying about how life sucks and I'm killing myself now.

Ten minutes passes by and finally I think I said "You know, I think this is one of those newer cars with the carbon monoxide protection thing."

I thought I was dying when I was really in absolutely NO DANGER AT ALL.

Now, normally, I'd think I'd emo over that-- I failed so bad at killing myself. Obviously I'm a failure at life! I'm no good to not even get carbon monoxide poisoning, the ******** simplest of all suicide attempts, right. Right?

I flipped it; I said. Wow that was a total fail. Let's not do that again.
I turned suicide into something comical.

Of course I took it seriously for a while. I figured I didn't want to die a failure, blahblah, let's start life over, do all this again, be a better person.

But the real message was this:
Life's a ******** joke. You either laugh at it or you don't.

When I got through boot camp, and now I'm here on base, I think more and more about what I did to myself (or was trying to do rather, lol), and how that changed me. And if I had succeeded, what type of person I'd be remembered as.

When I got here(on base), one of the first things I did was buy the Watchmen DVD. I read the comic and liked it, my favorite characters being Rorshach and Comedian. But I didn't really start geeking out over it until I saw the movie, which I liked.
Then I tried to kill myself, lulz (Or that came before Watchmen... not sure).

But it didn't all really start clicking until I got here. I've watched the ******** 3 hour plus version of watchmen over four times now. And I'm not bored of it.
(I do fast forward through the sex scenes, however. xP)

I completely identify with the Comedian. Life's a joke. Comedian wanted to be a satire of our society. Then he realized the joke was on him.

********, man. Life's a joke. I want to be part of that joke.
Who else can seriously LAUGH about suicide? I can. My friends can, and I'm not even insulted. Because it's a ******** laughable matter!

I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life, but I'm enjoying life. I don't complain about much at all. I laugh every day.
It's all in how you think about s**t. You can make it negative or you can make it positive, and you'll just never fully understand that concept until you've done it (changed the way you think, not commit suicide-- don't do that xP).

I'm 22 years old now and people b***h and moan about how I act like a teenager.
******** them, man. At least I'm smiling. I laugh every day. I don't think about killing myself. I love where I am. I have a positive attitude. I like my job.

I'm not going to let someone who wants me to act like something I'm not bring me down. I don't want these teenagers bitching about how they're only in the navy because they need the money, or want the college credits, or whatever to bring me down.

I'm here because I want to be, and while there is some shitty stuff that happens, it's not worth complaining over. Not worth my time mulling over. Not worth emoing about it for days on end like I used to do (FOREVER, even!)

If people could just learn to LET IT GO we'd have such a better life, all around us.

Originally this was going to be about something ENTIRELY DIFFERENT but I realized I didn't care so I wrote this instead. =D

[edit: I'm speaking only of my offline life, here. Despite continued efforts to remain the same off & on, I act/respond differently so this doesn't correlate very well]

User Comments: [3]
Community Member

Thu Oct 08, 2009 @ 04:19am

That is an awesome attitude Q heart Good for you.

The last time I slipped into that attitude it was really horrible (not really, it lasted 4hrs? But for me personally thats crazy long to feel depressed and overwhelmed XD) I went to see Wicked and was all down on life and freaking out, but then they started that song "Dancing Through Life" and it COMPLETELY changed my attitude I couldnt stop smiling when I thought about it for like a week. Anyways I dont know if that song will do the same thing for you, but you should listen to it. What you're saying is pretty much the message that song gave me. It might help you if you ever feel down smile

Alexander Vandala
Community Member

Sun Jan 17, 2010 @ 01:39am

You can always try taking a s**t load of sleeping pills next time, maybe that works? xd

The Grand Kuma
Community Member

Thu May 13, 2010 @ 06:00pm

Wow man...this is raw....

I never, ever imagined life in that context to just laugh at it like one big joke.I always thought life as a test of survival. As long as you were happy, you were winning.

Well, I though I was losing...major.

I was never happy, and I tried suicide on many an occasion, yet due to my hesitation, I failed at them. It's because of my faith and my fear of hurting my family that I haven't tried in a while. It's hard trying to find a reason not to put the nozzle to your noggin and pull the trigger

I still hardly feel happy nowadays, but I'm not going to give you a dissertation on my life. It isn't really relative right now. But I do want to say I liked reading this. And because of this piece, I've gotten some insight on how life can be lived.

I wish the best for you and life in the military.

Enmu Kuma

User Comments: [3]
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