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Ya know for a long time I always thought that it was better to curse than cuss. I'm still not too which one it is but whatever. 'Sigh' The real world. Very annoying and yes I know that everyone of you is aware of that it's just that, certain things in this world and the people in it really pisses me off. I'm starting to notice that most of my problems revolve around others. I starting to see that there are one or two things about everyone one of my friends that I hate about them and yes I mean hate. I'm still not too sure if I can depend on them but then again why should I. I hate the fact that my girlfriend must know every single ******** thing about what's wrong with me and why I'm depressed. I can?t tell her everything. It's like when I do talk to her I feel as if I don?t trust her and really I don't. I want to but it's really hard when you know that she's not going to keep her word about stuff. I've tested her on so many different occasions and she's only proven herself once and that?s when I talked to her about my mental scar from my past and how it still hunts me. Especially since now I'm starting to feel that I can no longer run from what is the truth but it's really hard to confront if you have a gut feeling that if you do and truth lets out you'll lose all that?s precious to you. My father told me about an old saying "your first impression is your last impression". It really sucks to know how truthful that statement is and now I can understand why my father feels the way he does about me. But back on to the main subject, I just can?t take anymore of this crap. I mean there are only two people that I know for a fact that will accept me for who I am. All of my short comings and mistakes, my faults, likes, dislikes and I really don?t feel that that person is my best friend. I mean yeah I can understand he accepts me but he jokes around to damn much that I take to heart. Me hurting his image and crap like that. s**t is annoying and I really feel like when the word actually gets out? he's not going to accept me for who I am. We are two completely different people from all aspects. Are motives in life, our views, almost everything. My way of thinking is far from his. I have no logic and never accept things for the way they are and try my best to ignore the things I dislike and try to let them be. I get confused at so many things and never try to take the time to figure out why. I don?t pay attention to the world around me and keep everything to myself. I told my best friend before spring break that I'd start telling him my issues and stuff like that but what he doesn't understand is that my issues are things that I would never want to speak to him about or anyone else. I mean it's something that I would like to let out but I can't. I still can?t trust all the way and well the only other person that I can trust as much as my best friend is my old best friend. I can't speak to her the same way as I do to him because well we share a different bond. I never knew a person that I hated so many things about and yet stay so close to them. My best friend puts so much logic into things but I hate it. I guess it's my way of saying "I hate what the world really is so I'm gonna keep pretending that everything is a okay!" I know one thing though. When it comes time for us to part from our families and be on our own, he?s gonna be fully prepared and on his own two feet at all times while I'm gonna be lost with out a clue in the world on how to get about.
I'm not much of an individual if I'm always comparing myself to him. It really sucks just how pathetic I am compared to him. I have no initiative to do things on my own and always wait for someone to tell me when to do something. I never think twice or as far as I should when it comes to the situations that I'm confronted with. I'm extra sensitive so when there's a situation where I'd like to stick up for myself or say what's on my mind I never do. I hate to acknowledge anything that I do and whenever something I do is acknowledged sooner or later it's just shoot down by someone so what the hell. Another annoying thing is the useless factor. I hate it when people call me useless. I hate the fact that my best friend always says that every one of his friends serves some type of purpose to him. I'm not to sure if I'm some type of pet to him or what but when he treats me to things I try not to get the image in my head that I'm some puppy dog being rewarded for doing a good deed and that him giving me something is like him patting me on the head. But I know that it's not like that. He's nice beyond all comparison. (Sometimes I think even nicer than me). At any given time he's usually always there to help me. He spends money on me just so we can enjoy a lunch and talk and damn when I say spend money, he makes sure we?re both full or if he doesn't have enough for both he gets nothing at all. He makes sure that I'm on task with things and that I'm never slacking off. He doesn't see me as dumb but something else that I think is close to stupid but not. He talks to me about almost anything and discuss his issues with me even though I can't even respond well to him or even at all. He's himself and although at times he may seem like an a*****e I know for a fact that he's far from it. Knowing these things about him and dealing with him for 4 years experiencing some of the craziest situations is what makes him my best friend. He may be like a rival to me in some ways but this guy is cool and my best friend. No matter what he has my back and I have his. Although I may not be there at times when he really needs me, I know that if there was a time that he needed me I'd kill to try and help him. When I think about these things as a whole it kinda makes me smile. I owe a lot to him. To be honest I don?t think that an Aozora Fox could even exist if it weren't for him helping me become an individual. I may not be one fully just yet and I may have some things that I'm still keep to myself about that he may not know of but hell he can't know everything. That's really sad though. If I knew that our friendship wouldn't change from these things then maybe I would say something but hey like I've said before. Certain people are not meant know certain things and some things should stay hidden from them to keep anything drastic happening that would affect the both of them. I've always thought that and still do and in some cases it's worked. I want to say that I can trust him to know everything about me but I think I still need a little bit more time to see. Ah, so how does that other saying goes, "curiosity killed the cat" Man that is so true.

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