she did it. she finally did it. her blood all over the girls looker room. leaving a message on the wall that I was not able to read. her friend, stunned. tokk pictures of the site. me and rayne, walking to class. both meeting in the morning at the bus stop. both late. rare occasions where this happens. you'd think that this was a sign for a good day but with my eyes killing me and the sky so gloomy, only time was able to tell when our day would crash and shatter in less then the speed of light. before we could enter or class, before we were able to even get out of the breeze way. we encountered kitty who I thought was in a good mood to see rayne but as we got closer and as I tried to walk away, she looked down, pulling out her cell phone and grabbed my arm to prevent me from going to class right away. there was something I must know. there was something about my g/f that I must know. she showed us the pictures on her cell of what had seem to be a letter written in red ink. very bold and red on the dull white. my eyes were to watery and itchy, and I couldn't stop sniffling or sneezing to read it so she read it to us. never again, yeah, that's all I remember from what came out of her mouth. what I thought to be a suicide letter turned out to be completely different. I asked "what is that?" and she replied a lil disoriented that it was a message she left on the wall in the girls bathroom. "with her blood?" I asked now starting stand straight up looking into her eyes. "yeah" she said as she went on explaining all that she knew. rayne walked towards the class and I stood there just stunned. I walked in the opposite direction ready to just leave the school but I told myself no. no actually I spoke out loud to myself. "No! I won't leave! that'll be running away from my problems. I'm not running!" I stepped into the class not knowing my expression but knowing that I felt more disturbed then I've ever felt before. I was lost, Confused, angry, disappointed, disgusted, shamed, disturbed and sadened all at once. so many thoughts kept crossing my head and to know that this girl, this girl that is supposed to be my g/f was really this weak, not able to accept her life for what it is. giving in to her own emptiness and darkness. no longer did she care for the people around her and their feelings towards her. she was now just a void. roaming around not knowing which road to take anymore. I didn't know how to approach her. I know for a fact that I wasn't going to avoid her but of course she was going to avoid me. she really was not trying to talk to me and when I was finally able to say good morning to her. she greeted me back and walked away. I did my class work and went back to the table we sit at since she had her head down. I rubbed her back and asked what was wrong. she responded bitterly and psychoticly "don't touch me". I stepped back and became disturbed once more and now offended. I was her b/f and as usual when she's in a bad mood or there's something up with her, she always shuns me away from her. 10 mins before the class ends and she's just sitting there with that blank look on her face. I asked her if she was even going to talk to me and she didn't even budge one bit. Looking at her pissed me off for some reason and so I just walked out of class. I couldn't believe that just happened. I really couldn't. All I kept thinking about was the fact that I left her yesturady when we all went to the skating park. she was confused and thought I was pissed off at her again for being with other men when that was far from the issue.
I had a long conversation with her 2 days back because she saw my journal entry DREAM.... and got angry about it saying that I shouldn't be telling her business and she can't believe that I write something like that for everyone to see. plus she was angry about me, saying that I over exaggerated about her arm and that I called her a cutter. I told her that I wasn't about to take back my words and that it's my journal. plus that I didn't say her name so what was the big issue. she wanted to cut herself but I said no! there were other methods of relieving her pain and she needed to quit. it wasn't my words that made her stop nor did she, quote on quote "Give a ******** about what say or care about". while walking to the skate park yesturday and being disturbed during the whole trip with lord tan raping her in my face in a 'playful manner'. him putting her in a whole lot of sexual positions and laughing about it. along with her enjoying it. I mean I know I just got through talking to him the other day about me having problems with her and yet he does all of this crap thinking that I mentally fine about it. then of course to top it all of they do the biting on the lip thing again. IN MY ******** FACE! All I saw was their lips together. no hesitation from neither of them. my mind went blank. until she stopped off at her home/aunt's place. when we got to the skate park we were all sitting and smiling and what not. she sits next to me while everyone is skate bording and blading and pulls up her sleeve. bright bloody red lines. that was it. at first I thought she just tripped and fell, and that she scrapped her arm and her old wounds opened but I was wrong. she went home to cut herself. she said "I know where my mind went when I got home" and so she just skated off. I was just so messed up... so I tried to draw and sketch out the muscles of the upper body area of the male body but then it just got to a point where I couldn't stay there anymore. I couldn't. I walked away and said by to rayne since he tried to spend time with both me and kitty. I needed coffee and walgreens coffee machine was out of order so I bought a bottle of some cold starbucks coffee. when I got home I just talked to rayne for like 2 hours and yeah just went on with my home life.
I went to my 2nd period class, going back to today. I was kinda inspired by the poets we were listening to on def poetry set thing on cable. but then I realized that it was kinda pointless for me to be inspired since I'm not the one going through the mental issues. I was thinking more and more about the situation and my relationship just was so confused and stuck. so I left. when the bell rang I went to my locker to get my jacket and left the school. I needed some coffee bad so I went to the gas station since they sell some of the best coffee for some of the best prices. their coffee machine was messed up. only hot water would come out so I had to find out some way to make some decent coffee out of that pure bitter s**t. I spent soo much money at that gas station just so I can have a large cup of coffee and a breakfast sandwhich that wasn't too great. it was pouring down outside and it seem like the rain would never end. I walked out with my coffee and was heading for the #6 jeffory bus down to randolf so I could go to the borders downtown and think. I needed to clear my mind so I thought that it'd be best for me to stay as far away as possible and in the most decent enviroment. somewhere I know I'd feel comfortable and would have no problem being to myself. so I got on the bus with this girl since we walked there together without any words exchanged except for me saying "coffee doesn't go well with rain". After making it downtown and relaxing at borders, I gotta call from rayne saying that he couldn't take anymore and that he would have to leave too. little did I know that he was bringing lord tan with the intent of bring me back to the school but when rayne arrived and told me, I was alright with it since I believed that I had more than enough time to think about the situation. I felt that during the whole time that I was there I just kept thinking about how the way I was running from my problems and how bad of a boyfriend I am, especially to the one I love. I needed to be with her not away from her. but when I arrived back with rayne, we were too late. Lord tan stayed at borders since he had to work today and when we arrived, we got the news that her aunt came to pick her up and that kitty left. Now I don't know what to do. should I call her or what?
Kitty was found and now I know the true message she left.
<center>I won't fall for that again
keiko
P.S. I won't cry any more. </center>
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'sigh' You all amaze me at the fact that you all actually read this stuff.
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