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Realization of no transgression.


Well, It's been pretty hectic.
And by hectic, I mean busier than usual but still with long periods of nothing, but I call it hectic anyway 'cause I hardly work and so some work is hectic for me and I stress out easily, and all that.

I graduated high school thursday. Only one person cared. Only that and one other person remembered. Aside from my parents, anyway.
They really try.

Dear god, they do. I don't know why I treat them like crap. They're trying their hardest and I just talk s**t about them all the time. All they want to do is make life easy for me. All they're trying to do is make me happy, make me realise that this faux world I built up around myself just isn't going to cut it.

And all I do is blame them for my problems. My dad this, My mom that. I say that because they went easy on me through childhood, It's the reason I suck now.

I was disappointed yesterday because my dad went out of his way to get me something I liked - Scrubs season 1 and 2 - that wasn't on my list, and I had the audacity to think ill of him for that, even though I went downstairs and I watched and laughed at every single episode.



I made my mom feel like crap because when I said "#2" on my christmas, I meant volume two and not the DVD that has episode two on it. And now I had duplicates so I called her stupid.

When we were in the car on Xmas eve to go shopping for my brother and dad, I told her how I couldn't understand why she was getting me any gifts for Xmas because I had been such an a** to her and dad. And that this was the worst year in terms of me treating them like s**t.

She said she blamed it on my "diesease".


I've tried so many things this year, and done so much. I could've sworn I conquered Depression, I made a commitment to be happy every day, and not sit in a corner and mourn about about what happened in the past, or all the silly reasons why I should cut myself.

I tried to make new friends, and at the end of it all, the very person I always talked ill about- the cutter buddhist- was right, and she was nicer to me than everyone else on the last week of school. I felt like such a backstabbing p***k after that, but I didn't let it pull me down.

I had no friends whatsoever this semester, and I didn't go to one single party. I had to ask to get invited to the christmas party I usually go to this year.
Out of all the gifts I bought for my friends, only one of them gave me anything back.

"There" most everything is nothin'
That it seems
"Where" you see the things you only wanna see

I managed to scrape by with some pretty bad days. I lost friends who were helping me learnt hings, I got ridiculed and hardly have any friends even on the internet left. But I don't sit down and cry about it, because I make that concious effort not to, and now, the most that comes out of me is two seconds of a tear or a sniffle, and them I'm done. Tuesdays with Morrie and Traveller's Gift lesson there.
That's an accomplishment, people. For me, it is.

I realise I've had everything given to me in my life, and now, it's all going away. Now, I have to work for it, so it's all going away, since I'm used to being a lazy a**. To being an a*****e to make other people feel guilty about my lack of life so they do whatever it was I was supposed to be doing for me.

I borrowed money from my parents and then never paid them back because I took advantage of the fact that they forgot they paid for whatever it was I had bought.

I'd fly away
To a higher plane
To say words I resist
To float away
To sigh
To breathe.... forget

And with all that this year, more things went black. More things were forgotten. I can't remember what I did yesterday, can't remember what I did last week or ate for breakfast. Couldn't recall what went on last year or kindergarten. The black hole that I complained about before being the puzzle piece of my life just grabbed ahold of everything else and made itself 10x bigger.

Not that I would know, considering I needed a calculator today to calculate what 10% off of merchandise was.

And heaven's not enough
If when I'm there I don't remember you
And heaven does enough
You think you know it
And it uses you

So now I'm looking at colleges for this education I just decided I wanted all of a sudden, because I've been so Hem about not going anywhere after highschool and I'd just be famous(Go Who Moved My CHeese).

And I almost blackout giving the first school I talk to my phone number after requesting for information from them for the third time over the phone.

The second time I had a phone call, I had no voice and was woken up. The third time, I was treated like an idiot because I asked how long a bacelor's degree would take to earn. But then when I went and toured the campus(Art Institiute of Atlanta, incase you're wondering) she buttered me up like a toasted bagel and couldn't stop complimenting me.

I saw so many things
But like a dream
Always losing me in a cloud

But the main lesson here is, that after all that, after I was so certain I'd be a video editor as my dream job, that I'd make it happen, I don't know what I want to be.

I don't know what I want to do. I don't know if I even CAN do anything.
"I know I'm stupid. I live with that."
- "You are NOT stupid, you're just too stubborn to even try."
"I AM trying! Can't you just accept that your kid sucks at math?!"
- "No. I can't accept that. Because I know you're better than that."

Cause I couldn't cry
Cause I turned away
Couldn't see the score
Didn't know the pain
Of leaving yesterday really far behind
In another life
In another dream
By a different name
Gave it all away
For a memory
And a quiet lie
And I felt the face
Of a cold tonight
Still don't know the score
But I know the pain
Of leaving everything really far behind
And if I could cry
And if I could live what truth I did then take me there
Heaven goodbye

I am trying. I am. But it's not the trying that's hard. It's the lack of motivation. In middle school, I was popular. I was also the bully. Then highschool came along and I got pregressively less friends until now it is none.

I'm having a midlife crisis and I'm only 18.
I have no motivation to do anything. To get a job, a liscence, an education, gain gaia gold, even.

I'm constantly drawing myself into this smaller and smaller cage, trying to figure out why everything was working out back then and now it all sucks.

Why is everything so hard? Why do the people, when I try to talk to them, all turn and walk away?
Where id my motivation go?

Why is there nobody around that I can trust anymore.

I just want to hold someone and feel like I matter more than myself, but there is no one to hug.

This new year's resolution: I can't think of one.