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Delta Radio. Just before an onslaught of Nirvana, the band in which people have been laughing at me since I've never heard it, ever, slaps itself into my ear drums, pummelling my jetlagged a** with repetative lyrics and guitar strings. All the while thinking "What the ******** is wrong with announcer? Angst isn't blissful."

And then I find myself enjoying Nirvana even though through all ways and sorts, I should not be liking it, because all it does it repeat "I don't have a gone" and "Entertain me" throughout the whole song. Almost as bad as "Harder, Stronger, Faster" or any song Daft Punk ever made/sung, for that matter.

So as you all probably didn't know, I was in Hawaii. And let me tell you, I have a very long, detailed, rant about how much Hawaii sucked a** and you shouldn't bother going. Or I should kill my parents.

It wasn't that too long a go when I used to watch my parents sleep with a knife in my hand. Sometimes I wish I'd actually done what I had planned rather than watched back then. But stupid travel plans aren't reasons for killing people.
And I'm glad I'm over that whole homicidal phase, because I was scaring people.


So We fly first class to Honolulu airport and go to Oahu. Basically, Oahu is like New Orleans. Except instead of street lights, you have lanterns with real flame. And instead of music, you have half-naked men lighting up the flame light things every night. Very crowded city. Waikiki.

Then after 5 or so days we went to this other island, Kaua'i, which is basically pernounced Hawai'i but with a K. That was basically Arizona. With Chickens.

There was beach, but there were cactuses everywhere, and chickens. Way too many chickens. When roosters are more common than pigeons, you have a problem. They said that the reason there were so many chickens was because in some big hurricane all the chicken breeders let their chickens go free instead of die in their little cages. But what they didn't know was that it was class five and so the chickens went all over the ******** island and bred and became wild and such. What's worse is that the government protects them, so you can't even kill the damn things.

But, I learned a lot of "definitons" on this trip.

"volcano" really means "huge canyon that's not worth seeing via a 100 USD helicopter ride, and doesn't even count as an extinct volcano."
"Swimming" with dolphins really means floating in a little tub of water and sticking your hands out as a trained piece of petflesh swims by.
"Whale Watching" is really a dinner cruise that's not worth going on, where you eat a part of a lobster and don't even have any windows to see any damn whales. Needless to say that if you actually saw a whale by some pure magic, it'd be 'improper' to get out your videocamera and start taping. Neverthemind that it's whale birthing season in Hawaii.
"tubing" is sitting on a huge cheerio and peeing in an irrigation ditch, wearing miner's outfits and going through the ******** smallest tunnels there are. (okay, so that was mildly fun, but whatever)
"kayaking" is sitting in a two-person boat where the person who has actually kayaked before and wanted to be navigator/rudder(sit in the back) is stuck in the front while the "adult", who has never even SEEN a kayak before gets to be the controlpost. Even if the adult is my aunt. She just felt "unsafe" with me navigating.

That ruined my whole ******** trip.

The only good thing was the submarine. We went in a submarine and saw all these coral reefs and stuff. Only problem was the other side got sharks and my side was stuck with colorful fish. And the driver decided it wasn't cool to turn around and let my side see the reef sharks.

When we went to the beach, there was this huge sea turtle there eating stuff, and I started taking pictures of it like no tomorrow, and of course when I touch it my dad pulls me away and gives me a big stern lecture with no real reason about how I shouldn't touch the sea turtle.
I'm 18, if you guys can't remember. And I didn't just turn that yesterday, either.
Needless to say I was cut off from the sea turtle.

Did I mention that "beach" in Hawaii really means "huge jutting shards of rock with imported sand ontop of them to make it appease to tourists"?

What kind of shitty people go to Hawaii and not even visit the big island? Not the active volcano? Don't go whale watching in ******** whale birthing season? actually SWIM with a ******** dolphin? Let the expierenced person drive?

I was so encrusted with disappointment and boredom that I started reading Terry Goodkind's new book, "Chainfire". 800 pages of bullshit. I wasted three days reading it. Read the back summary. That's all it is.

Here's a more detailed summary if you'd like.

Kahlan disappears one day. Richard is all like "I have to go find Kahlan" after he almost dies and is healed by Nicci. Insert deadly shadow monster from Jagang that has no way of killing it. Nobody believes Richard. Richard finds Shots who tells him "Beware of the viper with four heads", "Chainfire", and "What you seek is long buried."
Richard figures out that the viper is the four sisters of the dark that taught him that one time. He finds a book named chainfire that explains what happened to kahlan(basically a spell to make everyone forget about her) and that the world is going to end eventually because of it. Richard gives the sword of truth to Shota's little pet thing(forgot his name) in exchange for the knowledge. More action with monster who can't be beaten. Richard presents evidence of kahlan with the chainfire book. Everyone believes him. Shota's pet now has the sword of truth and one of the boxes of orden while the other sisters have the other two boxes of orden. "We have to go save the world, find kahlan, get the sword of truth back". The end.

Yes. That's right. There's no ending. That's it. Despickable.

Well, I don't really blame Terry. The book was written well. Very action-like. But too predictable and nothing happened. Riveting but stupid. I can only assume that Terry keeps getting pushed by his publishers to release more sword of truth series books.

In Ohau we stayed in a hotel room. In Kauai we stayed ina condo and bought all our food from the gorcery store. Which was actually a good plan since one mean cost over a hundred dollars. Even cheaply. But then again, there was seven of us. I had to deal with a ******** five year old the whole time. He was so annoying.
He repeated things all the time if nobody was listening to him. Like. "I got 15 points at such and such." or he'd decide that, when he wins something, he has to shove it in everyone's faces. "Hey, Uncle Brian, guess how many points I got!" then, "Hey, mom, guess how many points I got!" All the way through dad, grandma, aunt, and cousin(me). THE SAME ******** LINE. EVERY TIME.

And I've never heard a kid cry so much over nothing. He cries because he has to go to bed. Go to the bathroom. Brush his teeth. Take a bath. Wants to go home. Is homesick. Wants to go to the condo after we've checked out. Wants to sit in front.
blah blah blah cry cry cry.

I hate kids. This is why I'm not having any kids. Ever. I hate them. I wish they'd all die. Yes, I realise I was a kid at one point.
But my parents will vouch that I never, EVER cried, screamed, disobeyed rules, talked back, or didn't go to bed on time. I was quiet, had my own schedule, smart, and a book worm. The only thing going against me is that I weighed 11.5 pounds when I was born and that I made my mom incredibly sick while she was pregnant. Otherwise. "Perfect child" she says.

Toddler years, anyway.

So we get into this conversation at the condo about how I'm being a smart alec, talking back to my mom and stuff. I can see how she can get that, being as I kind of sounded snide after a while. Although I made a concious effort to bite my tongue every time I wanted to say something really rude. You know, after I realised the whole vacation was one huge trip to suckville.

It was depressing. And disappointing.

I have this whole list of things to do before I die, 'yknow? The one big one was swim with dolphins. Apparently, it was on everyone's list.
But, we never swam with dolphins. We floated. And stuck our hands out. The dolphins weren't even wild. Hell. There wasn't even dolphins. It was dolphin. Between ten people. For thirty minutes. After that my whole time to Hawaii, as that and the already-failed whale watching, I just didn't bother looking forward to the rest of the trip.

Just for your curiousity's sake, here was that list:

1. Swim with dolphins.
2. Live/be with a pack of wolves.
3. Ride a whale. Or just sit ontop of one. Privately.
4. Pet a Maned Wolf, and/or see one in person in Brazil.
5. Pet an Okapi. Again.
6. Pet a Red-tailed Hawk
7. Do that whole figure out past lives thing.

Throughout the Hawaii trip, when I slept, I kept dreaming about my RPs with Evil Disco(blue-dog on DA). We broke up as friends a long time a go, because he was being a stupid b*****d, and I miss him a lot. I mentally added a number to my "things to do before I die" list that was "Make up with Evil Disco." But the thing was, I don't think I can suck up my pride this time.
Because I was ******** right in that argument. And He broke it off with me because I called him prejudice. I keep telling myself that I don't need to be hanging out with people who can't handle being called-and truthfully at that-- prejudice.

Here's the deal. We were having an argument about music. He introduced me to Muse. I think Muse was the band we were talking about. It might have been some german band. He liked those. Anyway, whatever band we were talking about, I mentioned making an AMV to. Something along the lines of "I have got to make an AMV to this song sometime". And he said to ask the band first. And I asked why. And he said to get permission or something. And I reputed, "Why should I ask permission to make an AMV to the song when you don't even buy their CDs?" He downloads all his music. Never buys any ******** CDs.
So then we got into some argument, what exactly was said I'm not quite sure, but it got started when I called him prejudice because of his whole stealing music and me honoring it and having to ask permission. He refused to be my friend unless I said sorry.

A multitude of times, I said that if sorry was all it took to heal a "major ego blow" as he put it, then he needed some help and I wasn't going to say sorry because I don't lie, and I was being truthful about the whole prejudice thing. Anyway, that was like a year a go. It only popped up now because I had nothing better to do in Hawaii and I really do miss him. He tought me a lot of stuff. Cybering, sex, anatomy, drawing, coloring, friendship, music.. A lot of stuff.
We met through the Gaia personals for RP buddies. Then became friends. We did Post Nuclear Fallot together. Apparently it's a fairly popular RP that a lot of people read, even though only me and Evil Disco were RPing in it. Got a lot of random fan-posts in the original thread in barton town and then when it moved to the guilds, we got a lot of fan PMs. Kind of weird.

Anyway, I miss Evil Disco, but moreso, Isiah. Isiah was an awesome character...

.. ANyway. I went off topic.

But while I'm on this, I'll have to say that a few weeks a go, about a week before I went to Hawaii, I had suicidal thoughts again. I was crying myself to sleep. The funny thing was. And I swear to you guys, I'm not lying, I was going to get on the computer and PM Twistex.

That just bugs me. Really really bugs me. I keep hopping from one friend to the next looking for attention in those types of situations. Ever since Ghost cut me off and started 'dating' Nios, I've had nobody's shoulder to cry on. Nobody that I trusted, anyway. Not to say I don't know trust my other friends with that stuff, but when I'm in that mood, when I'm all depressed, I want somebody to kick me into gear and say "You're a stupid a*****e when you think that" not coddle me and say it's okay. Which is what most of my friends will do. But Ghost and Twist, they're definate "you're a stupid a*****e for thinking that" cards. So naturally I'd gravitate toward them.

I hate the PM all planned out in my head. I was was typing it up in my head while I was bawling my eyes out for NO REASON. It went something like this:

Subject: Hey
Body:
Hey Twist, I know you get lots of mail everyday, but I hope you see this one and read it fully. I know you hate people who get all suicidal on you and you don't want to be friends with them anymore, but I'd really like it if you helped me.

I'm having a really tough time and I don't know why. Everything is going wrong. All my days are plagued with hoping that I will die soon. Any way. For someone to kidnap me, for someone to murder me, for some sharp object to accidentally fall on me.. Anything. I just really want to die and I can't handle this, and I'm too chicken to commit suicide by myself.
I talked to the guys in #C&T one time about my past suicide attempts and they all said nothing would've killed me. I really feel like I need to die.

I know I shouldn't be thinking this, and I need help. I cry myself to sleep all the time because I'm not dead yet. I shouldn't be feeling like this. Please help me.

You're the only friend I have left, and it's almost if we're not friends at all since we don't talk much.

Then I had two other versions for "desperate" replies. One was asking if he would murder me, as that would be an honor. The other was something like, "I need to get away from my parents, can I please live with you for a while."
I obviously wasn't thinking straight.

I ended up passing out and not even leaving the bed. When I woke up the feeling was gone. I still wanted to die, but I did not want to PM Twistex about it. I did not want to burden him like I've burdened so many other people with it.

I stopped crying myself to sleep after that night, but if anyone asks me how I want to die, my answer is one of two options:

a.) protecting one of my few friends, even if they don't know I'm doing it.
b.) being murdered. By anyone.