• Harry Potter and the Misuse of Duro

    SH: Hola, everyone, hope you like this story, and remember, Duro turns whatever the caster wants into stone, unless you’re a Harry Potter freak like I am, you already know how the spells work, but I just want to keep others informed. biggrin

    Disclaimer: I do not own any other pop culture references used in this story, I only own the plot. J.K. Rowling owns the characters, spells, and books.

    Chapter 3: The Misuse of Duro

    Voldemort and his Death Eaters were relaxing in his evil lair of evilness, because that’s what evil lairs are, evil (because everyone knows that, duh). Anyway, Voldemort was relaxing on his... uh, throne... chair of evilness? Never mind, he was sitting on an evil chair that’s all you need to know, so he got Wormtail to bring him something to drink, it was an iced tea (an evil iced tea, mind you) with two and half spoonfuls of sugar, a lemon with 4 seeds in it, a pinch of kiwi, a half tea spoon of gin and rum, and a bendy straw, and it must be in a special cup crystallized in the fireplace of the bodies of those he killed with Avada Kedavra, and with the sand that was near the place where the Pyramids of Giza were. Geez, talk about spoiled, but then again, trying to take over the world is hard work, so I guess one does disserve a day to pamper oneself. Who knew that the Dark Lord, Voldemort, liked evil iced tea, we have so much in common!

    But anyway, as Wormtail was bringing Voldemort the iced tea, Voldemort stopped him half way up the stairs to his evil throne. He examined the cup extensively before slapping it out of Wormtail’s hand, and making it land in Lucius’ hair turning it all sticky and making it smell sweet and lemony, evilly lemony.

    “What the hell, Wormtail?!” Voldemort shouted at him, Wormtail flinched and fell to the ground in terror, “Is it so ******** hard to ask for good evil iced tea?!” (Did that last sentence make any sense to you all?) Now Wormtail was a pile of tears and fear because of the furious dark lord, the way he was spazzing over an evil iced tea made him look like one of those girls on Sweet Sixteen on MTV, you know the ones that are all like, “God, daddy, why do you hate me?! I wanted a gray Lexus, not a Ferrari, now the party’s ruined, bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!”


    Oh, sorry, off track, “You thought I wouldn’t notice that you only put two spoonfuls of sugar, a lemon with 5 seeds in it, a smidge of kiwi, a quarter tea spoon of gin and rum, and a slightly bendy straw?! What the f***?! And, the cup is only crystallized from the sand that you find on a beach, and was only created on the flames of those that Lucius despised!”

    “I’m sorry, master!” Wormtail sobbed, “I don’t want your apology, dammit! I want an evil iced tea! Urgh! You know what? DURO!” Voldemort flicked his wand at Wormtail and turned him to stone, other death eaters turned around to see what made their dark lord so distressed, “My Lord, what is it?” Bellatrix asked walking over, Voldemort’s eye began to twitch, “Duro!” he shouted, turning her into stone. “My Lord, was that really necessary –“ “Duro!” Lucius was now a statue, “Duro! Duro! Duro!” Voldemort fired off the spell to his oldest members of the death eaters into statues.

    After a few more minutes, Voldemort turned to face his new recruit of death eaters who flinched under his menacing gaze. “Well?! What’re you standing there for?! Get this s**t out on the lawn now!” The recruits jumped up and immediately got to work, putting the statues in an evil formation out in his lawn of evilness. “Ugh, I need a drink...” Voldemort said rubbing his temple with is fingers.

    -Later that night-

    A severe thunderstorm came rolling over the evil lair of Voldemort, and lightning was very frequent, striking in many places, and unfortunately lightning struck, and destroyed all of Voldemort’s loyal henchmen, and henchwoman, and left them in a pile of burning rubble, waiting to be found by their master in the morning.

    -The next morning-

    Voldemort rose up out of bed and stretched like a cat before putting on his Family Guy slippers that had Stewie for the slipper. He then put on his velvety, Slytherin green robe of evilness before walking down into the garden. “Okay, my servants, I will release you from the spell –“ As Voldemort pulled out his wand, he saw the piles of rubble that were once his servants. “Goddammit... God... dammmit,” Voldemort dropped his wand and fell to his knees and threw his hands up in the air, “DAMN YOU, JACK SPARROW!!!”

    Watching from the doorway, the new recruits were severely creeped out by their master’s Pirates of the Caribbean two reference. After he finished yelling, Voldemort stood up and shoved passed the group of newbies before packing a suitcase and heading towards a door, “If I come back and you’re having a sexy party, a crack, or a sexy crack party, I’ll kill you all.” The recruits then nodded quickly before heading back to their rooms after their Lord apperated away with a –POP!-... Or maybe it was a -CRACK!-, I don't know, choose which ever one works for you...

    -In some random city in England-

    Voldemort was in a room with renowned psychologist, Dr. Psycholygist. He was laying down a green leather seat while the doctor sat in another chair across from him, “Now... Mr. Riddle, is it?” “Please, call me Voldemort.” “Okay, Mr. Voldemort, what seems to be the problem?” “Well, my minions were spited by lightning after I had them turned into stone using Duro because they couldn’t get me a freakin’ evil iced tea- I asked for a half a teaspoon of gin and rum, goddammit, half a freaking teaspoon!”

    “Mmhmm and now does that make you feel?” “It makes me feel that my minions are getting lazy, and don’t have my best interests of happiness at heart.” “And how does that make you feel?” “Well, no one really loved me in the past, and now my minions are the closest thing I have to people that I can get rid of with a flick of my wrist if they disturb me, seeing as I was unable to that when I was younger.”

    “Hmm. I think I see the problem, Mr. Voldemort, you have to realize that you can’t just Duro everyone that doesn’t meet your demands, it’s not healthy and it hurts the people that are trying their hardest to kill those that oppose you, so you can take over the world.”
    “... You know, I suppose you’re right doctor.” “Of course, I am a doctor you know, but anyway have you ever thought about releasing stress through musical activity?” “... Well, now that I think about it...”

    -A couple weeks later-

    A large crowd was gathering near a newly installed stage in Hogsmeade, “Hermione, I can’t believe you got us tickets to a show that’s sold out!” Ron said as he hugged her gratefully, “You’re welcome Ron; I hope you guys enjoy the show.” “So, who’s playing exactly?” Harry asked. “Hold on,” Hermione said as she fished the tickets out of her pocket, “Uh, it says that a new group called Volximort and the Death Dealers are playing.” “...Why does that sound vaguely familiar?” “I don’t know, but who cares, the show’s about to start!” Hermione said as she pointed to the stage.

    Now, everybody please put your hand together for Volximort and the Death Dealers!

    Everyone in the crowd began to shout in excitement as the curtain rose, and the lights dimmed out. Suddenly, a small bass beat began to pump through the speakers, and the lights came on, showing the group with their backs turned towards the audience. Hermione saw the ‘V’ on one of the singers shirts, and saw ‘DD’ on the others, she grabbed Ron and Harry’s shirt before pointing, “Look, I think that’s Volximort!” “Cool!” They both said.

    Then ‘Volximort’ began to bob up and down before chanting, “Go, go, go, go, go, go, go,” and then he turned around, and that’s when the trio stopped jumping and screaming, “Go, shawty, it’s yo birfday, we goin’ party like it’s yo birfday, and we goin’ sip Bacardi like it’s yo birfday, and you know we don’t give a f- cuz’ it’s yo birfday.”

    “Oh,” Hermione started, “My,” Ron said, “God.” Harry finished, as they stared at Voldemort rapping on stage about someone’s ‘birfday’, getting drunk, and something about having sex and not making love. They shuddered; Voldemort and sex should not me used in the same sentence...ever.

    They then started to ease out of the crowd and ran back to Hogwarts like they were being chased by werewolves.

    Back at Hogsmeade, Voldemort was halfway through his song before he took off his cap he had placed sideways on his head, threw it on the ground and pulled out his wand before shouting, “F*** this! AVADA KEDAVRA!!!” and ended up killing the entire audience.


    SH: So, kudos to you who get the Volximort and the Death Dealers part, and hoped you like the story, peace, mis amigos! biggrin

    The Jack Sparrow thing, I put that in there when I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean 2 on USA. XD