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This week has been nothing but bad.

After sex on.. Monday, I think it was. I was in a really bad mood. I said something on how I wasn't really into it, or something like that. But you know. At least we had sex that day. I sat at the corner of the bed and huffed for a while, then when we moved out of his room, I pinned it on "I just felt like a guy and I did a very un-guy-thing."
Consequently, I was on the bottom for the first time that day.

That day and subsequently others, I've been getting more and more self concious about it. First I wouldn't take my shirt off. Then I wouldn't take my bra off. Then We wouldn't have sex. Then I'd just force him to have sex while we were wearing boxers(It's actually not that hard, and can work out easily enough).

Then yesterday, I just took my shirt off but left the bra & boxers on and tried to have sex. Yeah, I was a little horny, but not as horny as I should've been.
The whole time I was just imagining the roles reversed, and it kind of helped. But then about halfway through I started getting dry for no reason I could figure, and for a while Will was just "I'll pull out, do something, and we can get back on track."

"But I don't want you to pull out."

"I'll do something to make you wet again."

- "But I don't want you to pull out."

"Ugh." Well, he wins. and then pulls out, and then says he's going to do oral. I say no. He asks why multiple times. I said I don't want to talk about it. He said "Is it some stupid self-concious thing?"
"Yes!" I whined.

"Then I don't care, I'm doing it." So he pulls my boxers off and starts going in. Yes, it was good. Yes, my body liked it, but I just started whining, and about five minutes pass where I'm not getting any wetter, and he finally asks "What's wrong?"

"I don't want to do this...." I whine. He gives up, says "Fine, then you won't get it."

At that point, I just flip on my side, everything off but the bra, and start crying.
Not because I was violated, no.
Because this is the first time:
1. He didn't c** while we were having sex
2. We didn't finish having sex.
3. I've cried infront of him
4. I've ruined sex
5. My gender identity has ever screwed up sex.
6. I couldn't finish him off.

After a while, he says if he had known the whole story, he wouldn't have given me head. But he also said that he didn't understand this. Stuff. But you could tell he was trying to.
I had to try and explain androgynism to him. I guess my explanations kind of suck. But then, I guess everything kind of sucks when you're crying about how you ruined sex and you feel like you're the only person in the world who is as screwed up in the head as you are(about gender).

I don't know. It's gotten really REALLY bad this week. I'm so male it hurts.